


Truly Madly Deeply

by amateurish



Category: GOT7
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2018-08-30 00:10:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 65,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8511268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amateurish/pseuds/amateurish
Summary: Youngjae's account of his love for Jaebum and how it comes to be.





	1. Bittersweet Symphony

No matter how I think about it, falling in love with your best friend is the most cliché thing ever. But was it a bad thing? No. But was it a good thing? I guess, no, at least in my case. No, because when your best friend is less on talking and more on glaring, you know you are doomed and you will always have to be the one to talk and relay emotions. You will always have to be the one to make things smoother when even you are short of words. It never gets easy when you are a ball of emotions, always heavy on sentiments and easy to sulk when your best friend doesn’t listen to your non-stop banter because the poor soul was too busy eating food, the one thing he is absolutely dedicated to doing.

Jaebum was always a man of few words. He smiles a lot, even laughs a lot but words don’t come to him naturally. He is always very active when it comes to games and entertainment, he loves competitions and winning but when it comes to emotions or any kind of tug of war of hearts, he is a deadbeat loser. He was a big mess when he started feeling things and I was way too aware of his flaws so I was always around to make things easier for him. I was around when he first started liking a girl. He used to be a nervous mess around her and he never even had to tell me that he liked her, I just knew. So, I was there to subtly make a date happen. Jaebum is beautiful but a lack of words always goes against him. He manages to impress but fails to keep it up because he is not really social. How is he friends with me? Well, because we have an unhealthy attachment to each other since childhood. We grew up in the same environment, but we are polar opposites. I laugh easily, make friends easily, I am outgoing and fun. Jaebum is quiet, simple, introverted, not very comfortable around strangers and prefers to be to himself unless I am around. We have a love for same kind of music so our conversations always gravitate around music and sometimes I think we like to associate every aspect of our life with music to strike the right chord with each other. Our friendship is poetic and Jaebum is the silent undercurrent to the meters to my colourful words and it so happens that he leads me to places I am not used to going in my mind with the way he is, the way he requires me to constantly be by his side so that people don’t end up hating him or hitting him, for that matter.

Jaebum comes off selfish and arrogant sometimes, but what he is inside, I know. He is a scared puppy with a pure heart, he comes off as a simple guy with little to offer but if you get to know him, you will know he will never stop giving. Jaebum loves to make sure everyone he knows and loves are okay, he does that in his own way. He likes to gift little, useful things to people on their birthdays, not expensive stuff they would be scared to lose. He remembers, believe me, he remembers everything about you if you happen to become his friend. He loves to help old people, he just goes offering his help whenever he sees old people and I sometimes have to explain to some annoyed old men that he is just trying to be nice, only for Jaebum to try and offer his help again. Jaebum loves food, so much that he forgets the existence of others around him when he is eating. He likes spicy food, chicken made traditional style and I am guilty of using it to my advantage to make him do things that I like. Things like taking pictures of him being cute (he hates it to his core) or taking him to a hair salon to get his hair cut (punk hates haircuts because his hair grows surprisingly fast).

You might think Jaebum must talk to me a lot, but that’s not really true. Partly that’s because he doesn’t need to. I know what he is thinking about, or what he needs even before he says it. And partly it’s because I am always talking to him, never giving him the chance to start a conversation. It’s been fifteen years that I have known him and over this period of time, being by his side, I have realized that I have loved him every step of the way. I have known him at his best and at his worst. I have given him a part of my soul that I can never ask back and he has been the one sun around whom my whole existence revolves. Sounds romantic? Sort of, but there is always a twist when it comes to romance, isn’t there? I too have my twist, although I am not sure if it actually is a twist.

Well, so to say, my twist is Jaebum himself. Even with the lack of words, he is pretty transparent, he always is. He knows his dependence on me and lately he is trying hard to be more independent, after a certain girl broke up with him because she found our attachment “too much to stomach”. And when Jaebum decides on something, he makes it happen. So I know he is going to detach himself from me. His first step towards this detachment is going to a remote village in Thailand to create awareness about health of elephants. Three weeks, Jaebum will be away for three weeks and even if he doesn’t say, he is doing it to get away from me. Knowing him, I am not saying anything because, heck, I know in his mind, I am just the friend he needs to project a feeling of normalcy on his mind. I am a friend to Jaebum, a best friend he was lucky to have and a best friend who is truly, madly, deeply in love with him. He just doesn’t know of the love, maybe he never will and may be in my sane mind, I will never ever tell him about it because I am so scared of him. I am so scared that he will drown me, he will break me into pieces and put me together with just a smile, he will fill me up and empty me at the same time and he will never say the words I will want to hear. He is Jaebum and he is the source of the bittersweet pain that I experience every hour of every day that I am around him and I am so addicted to it.

“Can you please not eat a lot there? You might need time to adjust to the water and meat,” I try to sound casual and all he does is nod.

“Are you going to tell them to at least arrange for a decent quarter? You don’t want to get bit there Jaebum, also your allergies might act up. Did you keep your Epipen and meds properly? He nods and I just close my eyes. This is so hard.

“Okay. Can you may be call me at least once a week to let me know you are alive? And please Jaebum, please, stop putting the phone on silent. It really pisses me off,” for the third time he just nods and I feel my head pounding.

“I will drop you at the airport?” I ask slowly. I don’t want to hurt his pride while he is doing something so drastic to get away from me. Going to another country with zero social skills and knowing only two Thai words- Sawadikap and Khop khun Khap.

“I will take a cab,” he says without even looking at me and I understand that more than this anti-social animal, I am going to have the toughest three weeks of my life.

**

Pain is synonymous with feelings when you have unrequited love. But I am so horribly unlucky that I don’t even have the courage to confess to Jaebum. Its been twenty four hours that he is gone and I miss him so much. People miss the voice of the one they love, the touch, the smell, I miss the silence, the nods and the smiles. I miss Jaebum, the heart in my chest that races every time he is around me. The comfortable silence that laces us when I am quiet and soaking in his beautiful, angelic presence around me. I miss the very bright mornings that I have experienced just at the thought of seeing him. I miss every little thing that is Jaebum, every little thought that is Jaebum, every little dream that is Jaebum.

“Can you stop being a weirdo and just come down for breakfast?” my sister is one loud mouth, just like me and we share the same laugh. My sister is also the one who can read me like an open book but chooses to not hurt me with her findings, only proving how I read her like an open book myself. If I am ever thankful for something in my life other than Jaebum, I am thankful for her existence. She is a big ball of sunshine I draw energy from and the one person I know I am going to go to, once I break down.

“Yeah! What have you made today?”

“Me? You kidding? Mom made pancakes and eggs, let’s go otter,” she smiles brightly and I can’t help but smile back.

Sometime in the afternoon, Jaebum messages.

**I am safe, no insects at quarters. Found many Koreans here so no communication problem.**

I sigh in relief and reply him back instantly.

**Good. Take care. Listen to our playlist if you feel lonely.** **J**

Unfortunately my message never gets delivered, I guess there is a network issue on his end.

A couple of days pass in a jiffy and I am still not used to not seeing Jaebum daily. It hurts to think that he feels comfortable amongst strangers and chose to distance me when I am his best friend. It is a weird world and my love story is even weirder. Would I just buck up and take my chance at a confession when he is back? I don’t think so because that would totally beat his purpose of going away. Also, he might flip out and never see me again in the first place. I cannot risk it. My story just cannot stop being such a cliché!

I started taking piano lessons and I am guessing it is the most amazing thing that I have ever done for myself. I also made new friends there and turns out I am a natural with the piano. My instructor thinks I am a musical protégé and I just can’t stop laughing. He says even my laugh has a melody. If only Jaebum was here, he would have definitely smirked at that. He complains that I am going to get him deaf in his thirties itself. He always tells me he has to hold his phone away from his ear while talking to me and loud noises remind him of me. Isn’t it weird that I can connect a compliment from a stranger to Jaebum? Well, truly, madly, deeply didn’t just happen easily, did it?

Painfully or not, a week has already passed and I am also learning to sing as I play the piano. I cannot wait to surprise Jaebum when he gets back. I am learning a beautiful ballad and I am going to play it to him on his birthday as his gift. I want to see him squeal!

Jaebum hasn’t called me even once and I haven’t called him either, fearing he would come to some conclusions and decide that we, in fact, have a “hard to stomach attachment”. To know if he is doing well, I call his mom and she is happy to tell me he is. She misses me and has asked me for lunch so that is one thing I am looking forward to. Jaebum’s mom is always relieved that he had a friend like me. She relies on me, much like most of his family because they are constantly worried about his behaviour. They were scared that he would never make any friends but thanks to me, he knows a few people around and manages to sit through social gatherings without being hit. They love me to death and if I didn’t have my own family, they would have adopted me happily and coddled me to no end, which they actually do even now.

“You need to talk to him about this son, he just went off to Thailand. We were so afraid he was starting to get depressed because of his break up. But he said he needed to do some social work to make positive changes in his personality so it was hard for us to say no,” Jaebum’s mom sighs.

“You don’t have to worry, it is good that he is trying, isn’t it? I was shocked too but then again, we need for him to meet new people on his own. It will be a big learning experience and he is also doing good work. Don’t worry,” I smile and she relaxes.

Well, it takes me a long time to accept that Jaebum might actually be successful at decreasing his dependence on me. If I think about it, I was heartbroken when he started dating Amy, not because I was jealous but because Amy was a perfectly amazing girl. She didn’t lack anything at all, she was the most understanding girl that I have ever known. She dealt really well with Jaebum’s silence and his ‘charm’ but as days passed she realized it took a toll on her. She started losing herself in the process of being with Jaebum and she just saw through me. She saw through my longing and she saw through my pain. But what she saw also included how Jaebum was really ignorant to all of my feelings and she was sure I was never going to tell him because even she feared how he would react. Before she broke up with Jaebum, she came to see me.

“You should tell him, you know,” I didn’t know what she was talking about. “It is obvious sometimes, you are a pro at hiding and pushing it down, but it still surfaces,” I cant help but look at her with an expression close to regret.

“I am sorry Amy,” I was so ashamed of myself in that moment.

“He needs you, I hope he understands that he needs you so much more than as a solution for his quirks and flaws. He needs you for who you are and what you do to complete his life. Is he smart enough to know that? No. So you have to help him see it on his own. His attachment to you is too toxic for him to see you beyond a pacifier or a helper. He has to need you beyond that and for that to happen you have to let him go,” she sounded so genuine when she said that and acting on her really good intentions, she had told Jaebum that she was leaving him because she couldn’t take our attachment anymore. Isn’t this all too funny? Well, it is funny in a way that gives pain. Jaebum and pain, pain and Jaebum, two things that keep me awake every night.

“Did you have dinner yet?” Jaebum finds comfort in talking about food and at this point I am too desperate to hear his voice. He could talk utter nonsense for all I care and I would still hear him talk with the same interest.

“I did, an hour ago. Are you doing well?” Being delicate is the only way for me right now.

“Yes.”

“Good.”

“Okay. Goodnight then,” Jaebum sounds conclusive and I understand that I have to, yet again, be the one to let him do what he needs to and I cannot help him or myself in this moment.

“Goodnight Jaebummie,” I hang up, tears welling in my eyes, just because- Jaebum!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how this came out but I am really happy that I wrote it. Thank you for reading.   
> 2jae pairing is a different kind of pairing because Jaebum comes off as a dominant while Youngjae comes off the funny and goofy one. Wanted to have a different take on the pairing.


	2. Restraint

It had finally dawned on me that even I had to start working on moving away from Jaebum. All these years, everything was about him. I made everything about him because I was too engrossed in pleasing my yearning heart with his company and the pleasure of being the one he relied on when he was shrouded with loneliness, a loneliness he had no cure for because he just couldn’t deal with people easily. He couldn’t do it unless he made an effort, an effort which took all of his energy away. I was there to make his effort see fruit, put what little I had to offer to make it a bit easier for him.

I wouldn’t say that we are a close knit group of friends but there are 7 of us who know each other quite well. Now, this knowing did not happen out of choice but happened over a period of time. In this weird, weirder world, we found our quirks to fit well with each other so we clung to one another. We aren’t like glue, but like a rubber band, we stretch ourselves to accommodate the crazy that we hold, each one of us having a personality you could write books about, laugh about, cry about and sing about. This is poetic in so many ways, to gratify your imperfections like this, more so, to say that there are more like you who you are close with! But yeah, that is a truth that never ceases to exist. We are a bunch of weirdos that fit together like pieces of a puzzle, a puzzle that very few will sit down to solve. 

Even if Jaebum has 5 other people he can actually recognize and talk to in public, he chooses to still maintain his silence when he is with us, together. Jaebum is like this, he will care for us like we are his babies but he will not do it with words, he will do it with actions and the six of us are satisfied with it, rather we have learned to live with it.

How we all happened to meet? Well, music. We met at different intervals at different music concerts or places that were closely related to music. How? We were the only ones critically analysing every beat that played, the hidden meaning behind the lyrics, the soulful way in which the beat and the music transcended the crowd into a momentary bliss. We didn’t just sway with the music, we lived it and breathed it, and we cherished it and lingered with it even after it was all over. Mark, Jackson, Jinyoung, Bambam and Yugyeom made my life so much easier because I had a new place to go to, new challenges to face, new faces to look at and most importantly new people with whom I could form memories, other than with Jaebum. No matter what, Jaebum was always a constant in my life even as these guys stepped into our puddle one after the other. Why they stayed, I really don’t know, but I am thankful that they did.

“Has he called?” Jinyoung asked me as we devoured spicy chicken at a local restaurant.

“He did, yesterday,” I swallowed.

“What’s the big deal even if he didn’t? It’s not like he was going to talk a lot! I am sure he must have said as many as four words to you,” Bambam laughs, bouncing this thin legs in the air just because he can.

“Of course, that’s pretty precise when it comes to Jaebum,” Jackson quipped. “Jaebum is the only one to whom Mark here can lose, when it comes to lack of words,” he looked at Mark and laughed his hyena laugh, spitting a little food in his direction.

“Whatevs,” was all Mark said waving mildly towards Jackson and getting back to eating.

“I met Amy the other day, she is moving back to the U.S. She said she got a job there,” Jinyoung says and I suddenly feel my heart getting heavier. Guilt didn’t leave me, nor will it ever.

“I guess, I will see her off then. Do you think she must have called him? Good thing that he is away when she is about to leave,” I say without looking at the others.

“You shouldn’t. You really shouldn’t. It will only make him mad. Just stay away, you need to stay away Youngjae ah,” Jinyoung places his hand on my shoulder and again my heart breaks a little but I compose myself. When Amy broke up with Jaebum, these people knew that I was the reason behind it. They never explicitly asked me about it or commented on it but it was obvious that they knew. No matter the crazy, they were smart, if not all of them, Jinyoung and Jackson were. Would they be friends with Jaebum if I hadn’t been there? I don’t think so. It took them a long while to get used to his ways and I made sure that I showed them a side of him that they would appreciate. They were smart, but they still didn’t know about my feelings for him and I was so proud that I had hid them well, not because I wanted to, but because I needed to. If they did find out, they would act on it for me. They would make things happen because quirks or not, our friendship was deep rooted and real. So, when I think about it again, I stand corrected. We are a close knit group, we just don’t say it or accept it enough.

“Yugyeomi, my little bird, why are you so silent today? Did Mark bite you and transfer his germs of silence into you?” I ask him and Mark glares at me.

“Nothing. I am going to the U.S for a week for a dance training session, nervous about language, as always,” he sighs and he looks adorable. He towers over all of us but wins us with his smile, every time. His innocence is precious and so is he. “Oh. Mark, please open your precious mouth and help the poor child for once,” Jackson mocks Mark for the nth time and Mark manages to smile warmly at Yugyeomi, stating his answer yet again without using words. If only words were cheaper and hearts stronger!

**

Was there a reason Jaebum was the way he is? I don’t know. I remember him being the kid who sat by the bench while other kids played. He was the kid who laughed at jokes but never made one. The one who smiled a lot but never said something sweet. He was the teenager who was never interested in adventures, never eager to try beer or sneak out of the house in the middle of the night. Was he boring? No! He loved to read, I have to tell you about it. He is very well read and if you ask him about something, he will definitely add his two important cents to the conversation. Will he ever boast about how good he is at almost everything he does? Never. How did I come to befriend him? I was curious. I followed my curiosity and Jaebum presented a challenge. I was up for a challenge even as a little child. I was up for reading between the very few lines that he spoke, up for sitting with him and watching people have fun, enjoying his silence even as a teenager when all the others did was yap all day about booze, girls and whatnot. I was eager to explore his mysteriousness, I was eager to unravel the secret that Jaebum was and keep it to myself forever. I still try and fail but that doesn’t stop me from trying again.

As we grew up, he took a liking to sports and video games. Even as a team mate, he rarely made conversation but since he was a good player nobody cared. He loved video games because he was crazy competitive, even now, and the games didn’t need for him to talk to people. Did I tell you how his voice is angelic? He sings with his soul and I imagined him sprouting angel wings every time I heard him sing! Jaebum is an angel, seriously. His falsetto is flawless and there is a slight husk to his voice. It is sharp but falls down to a soft one just as easily, it makes your heart flutter. When I heard him sing for the first time, he was in his backyard gardening and I stood there like an idiot, not knowing what was happening to my brain. Jaebum loves gardening and his family owns farmland and a big backyard full of exotic plants and flowers, and a vegetable patch. Jaebum is a perfect soul in a perfect body but God has him reserved, much like the most beautiful flower, just not ready to bloom for the entire world.

**

Amy left for the U.S, a week before Jaebum was to return and I am not even sure if Jaebum knows about it. With the way things were progressing, I didn’t want to get involved. What I knew to the best of my heart was that Jaebum loved Amy dearly. He tried his best for her to be happy but when things started to fall apart, he didn’t know what to do and he was too himself, unable to ask or consult anyone. To think that a man like Jaebum had fallen in love and held onto a girl for six months in itself is a big achievement. Jaebum hurt, he hurt really badly after the breakup, going into an ever reclusive state, making it harder for me to penetrate his mind and heart. But I never stopped trying and that is when he told me the reason behind their breakup. Not that I didn’t already know, but getting him to talk and relieve his pain was essential or he would have gone on a downward spiral and I couldn’t have that at any cost.

Two weeks had already passed and weirdly enough, he called on the same day that Amy left.

“How are you?”

“I am fine. And you?”

“Me too. How are the others doing? I am getting souvenirs.”

“They are all good. I will tell them.”

“Okay. So, Amy left.” He never shared things about him and Amy after their break up and this was the first time he mentioned something about her to me. I was surprised.

“I know. Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I am okay,” his voice was heavier than usual and from all the time that I know him, I knew that he was containing his tears. He was being Jaebum.

“Come back Jaebummie. You know you are not alone,” I say and I know it is not something I should have said but I couldn’t control myself.

“I need to go now. Bye,” he hung up on me and I wasn’t even surprised.

Images of Jaebum’s face started to flash in front of my eyes, a smiling Jaebum, his crinkled little eyes, the two beauty spots under his eyebrow, his fine jawline and a beautiful set of pearly whites peeking out neatly. These were the images that I had stuffed my heart with, I don’t know when I started saving all of him into my heart, as if I knew I would need it in the future. Jaebum was breath-taking and even when he was in another country, unaware of my feelings, being a reclusive, unresponsive and distant friend, he made my heart flutter and my stomach turn. Jaebum was slowly drawing out my very existence and I was giving in to him like I was made for it.


	3. Letting loose

I feel like a teenager sometimes, even when I am in my early twenties. Reason? Jaebum. He is going to be back in a couple of hours from now and I can’t feel anything but excitement pooling at the pit of my stomach. I am showing extreme restraint on my part by not going to the airport to pick him up and that in itself is making me feel a bit dizzy. I don’t know how long this is going to stretch, maybe it will end in me never seeing him again if he decides on it, or maybe he will just go back to being normal with me. I don’t know. All I care about in this moment is to see him and make sure he is alright.

“Why aren’t you going to the airport again?” Jackson is ever curious about everything and I just shrug to avoid the conversation.

“He can’t get me souvenirs from my own country! He should buy me something here, tsk,” Bambam has so many complaints.

“Just take the free stuff, like the free loader that you are Bammie,” Yugyeomi hits him in the head and they laugh. Thank God that they are here, I would have gone crazy thinking about how he was going to behave when he got here. My anxiety is floating in my chest, dangerously to the brink, it can take over me any moment if I remain alone and keep on thinking about the worst. I am just letting my excitement rule me over the anxiety and it is not easy.

“Did he say anything about Amy when you talked?” we are sitting in my living room, sprawled across the sofa and legs tangled, too lazy to care who is comfortable and who isn’t.

“He just told me that she left and I told him I already knew,” I look at him sheepishly. “What? Why did you tell him you knew? You didn’t have to. You are trouble otter,” he clings to my arm.

“I just said it, I don’t know why. Whatever happens, I hope he is alright,” I sigh.

“You are way too invested in him. You should have a life of your own, you know. He is a big boy, he can take care of himself,” Jinyoung says delicately but I can’t meet his eyes.

“It’s just habit. I don’t lose anything, do I?” I try to sound as convincing as I can. 

The main advantage of living two houses away from Jaebum is that I can always look out my window and see his front yard. I can also see him gardening in the backyard if I am standing in my own, although not so clearly. I am not a stalker, but I just thought to mention that more than once I sit in the window in the hope to see him go out for a stroll and then join him out of the blue. Yeah, I am a mild stalker, but what to do? I take what I can and I don’t regret it, so judge all you want.

Two hours later I hear a car door slam and instinctively we all crowd around the window to see who it is. I see him get out of the cab, his hair longer than usual, moving towards the boot of the cab to get his baggage. For a split second I think he is going to glance towards my window because he stops, as if thinking of something and then goes in.

“You wanna go say hi?” Jackson looks at all of us excitedly. He is always excited, even when he is sad. It is his quirk, his eyes will shine even if he is having a shitty day.

“May be in a while? We can’t just hog him the moment he is back, can we?” Jinyoung says calmly.

“Hi is all that he is going to say anyway, so yeah, let’s literally go hi him in a while,” Bambam snorts.

It’s 4 in the afternoon and we walk towards his house and I can feel my heart race. Three weeks of not looking into his deep eyes, three weeks of not talking more than a few sentences, three weeks of utter silence, three weeks without my sun.

“Oh, all of you are here, oh that is so nice,” Jaebum’s mom welcomes us and we sit down in their living room like a normal bunch of friends, and that feeling in itself is too much for all of us to handle so we shift uncomfortably.

“Jaebum is taking a shower, he will be down soon. Son, will you help me in the kitchen? I will give you guys some lemonade while you wait,” she gestures at me and I get up with a nod.

“Will you talk to him and see if he is doing okay after all of the others are gone? He hasn’t said a word after he got back,” she sighs and I know how she feels. I pat her shoulder and I am surprised even I have learned to answer questions without uttering any words. She smiles at me and I smile back.

I take a tray full of tall lemonade glasses towards the living room and that is exactly the moment he takes the stairs to get down. I can’t see him but I can hear him, my back facing the staircase. I can feel him approaching me and swiftly passing by me to join the others in the living room. I get goose bumps just by that. He is back and he is here, in front of me. I have never felt this nervous before.

I put down the tray on the table and the others help themselves. I don’t dare to look at him just yet because my heart hasn’t calmed down.

“So, where are the souvenirs?” Jackson is too much sometimes. He nudges Jaebum and he flinches.

“In my bag. I will give them to you later?” he says slowly and that is when I hear his voice and all the pain behind it. I want to get up, hug him tight and tell him it is going to be okay but again, I sit there without even looking at him.

“We came to say hi, man, you should get your hair cut. You look like a gangster. Yah, take him to the salon,” Jinyoung pats my knee and I nod, without looking up.

“I can go by myself Jinyoung,” he says and my heart starts to break.

I finally find the courage to look at him and I find him beautiful, yet again. So beautiful. Even with the slight tan, the long hair, the tired looking face, Jaebum is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. He looks at me for a while and breaks the gaze. I feel my stomach turn, I don’t know why, is it because I am shy? Is it because he seems indifferent? I just know that I am a mess inside and I try my best to compose myself.

They talk to him for ten-fifteen odd minutes and get up to leave because the silence starts to creep on them. Mark looks comfortable but he gets up all the same when the others do. He promises to meet up on the weekend and go to the club to hear a new band play. I get up to leave too because I am not at all confident to talk to him alone. His mom signals me to wait and so I do, with much discomfort.

“I will join you guys at the café in a while? I have to help auntie with something, see you,” I wave at them and they leave. Jaebum doesn’t look at me, just rushes to his room.

“Go, talk to him,” his mom is so eager to know what is up with him.

“Amy left for the U.S while he was away. Maybe that is why he is being like this,” I whisper to her and she holds my shoulders tightly.

“Dear lord, why! He is going to be such a mess, go talk to him. Only you can get him out of this, please son,” she yearns and I nod.

I take the stairs that lead towards his room and a new gloom sets in my heart. Is this the last time that I am going to see him? Is he finally going to tell me that he blames me for his breakup? Is he going to tell me he doesn’t need me anymore? My legs feel heavy at all these thoughts but I muster all the strength I have and decide to face him. I knock on the door but there is no response.

“Jaebum?” still no response and I rest my forehead against the door, tears slowly pooling in my eyes.

“Jaebummie,” I dare to knock again, a little louder this time and I hear the lock turn. I turn the knob and open the door. I see him standing by the window, hands in his pockets and foot tapping nervously. I close the door behind me and rest against it.

Minutes pass by in silence, none of us move. We stand there in each other’s company, just like that. This isn’t the first time that this is happening. When we were teenagers, we used to be in the same room and not talk to each other for hours. We were comfortable, rather I was. We used to do things we liked and never invaded each other’s personal space. Jaebum’s mom used to come up to the room thinking we slept off, only to find us at different ends of the room doing our own thing. But we were always together, by no means did we discuss the silence that engulfed us, I never asked him why he didn’t talk and he never cared to explain, assuming I knew this is what being his friend was like.

After around 5 minutes, he turns around to face me, resting his head against the window pane and looking at me with a questioning gaze. I stare back at him, I don’t know how I manage to find the courage to look him in the eye.

“Are you okay?” I say between a gulp and my lips shiver.

“Hmm,” he nods. I keep looking at him to see if he is telling the truth or merely giving me a response. He looks indifferent and that completely pisses me off.

“Can you answer me again, more seriously? Are you okay?” my voice gains a bigger volume this time.

“Yeah,” he answers just as loudly. “Why are you here?” he asks and I am thrown.

“What do you mean? Can’t I be here to see if you are doing okay?” I feel betrayed, I don’t why, but I just do.

“You don’t have to,” he shudders and I can see that his eyes give way to tears that slowly flow down his beautiful, stoic face. He changes like the weather, one minute he is the clear sky giving way to sunshine and the other he is clouded and ready to explode.

“So that you cry it out alone? When have I ever let you endure things alone Jaebum?” I feel my own restraint breaking along with my voice.

He cries, no sobs, just tears flowing down mercilessly, breaking my heart into a million pieces. He weeps for the loss of someone other than me and I still feel the pain shoot through my heart. I feel helpless but responsible, I feel so many things as I see the man I love break down in front of my eyes. I don’t know when my own tears wet my cheeks and my vision gets crowded.

“Jaebummie,” I whisper. I see him raise his head up and look at me. He freezes in his spot. Maybe this is the first time that he has seen me cry. In our fifteen years of friendship, this is the first time he has seen me be so vulnerable. It was always my choice to hide how he made me feel, it was a choice I made because I always wanted him to know I was strong and that I would be by his side, no matter what. I never wanted him to see me as someone weak because that would have made him apprehensive to be around me. He would’ve hated to take help of someone who themselves needed help. It would have been the end of our friendship. Today, I had let myself loose, not because I wanted to, but because today I couldn’t endure his pain.

I wipe my cheeks and my eyes as I look at him again.

“I understand if you never want to see me again. I will not be a constant reminder of Amy breaking up with you. You don’t have to say it, okay? I understand,” I don’t believe I am saying the things I was most afraid of. I will choose never seeing him again over his silent tears any day. I will choose to not be around him when he smiles or laughs, eats like a hungry caveman, sings like an angel or sways to the music like someone possessed. I would give it all up in a heartbeat if it means he will never cry again. I am so far gone, and I don’t regret it.

I walk towards him and he keeps looking at me with those deep eyes. He stands straight as I keep on talking steps closer than necessary. Our feet are touching now and I don’t care what happens next because I have to look into his eyes closely, so I do just that. I hold him by the shoulders lightly and look into his eyes. It is a beautiful moment because I look into his teary eyes with my teary eyes. So, we are equal, he isn’t the one who keeps on towering over me with his existence. He isn’t the Jaebum who can break me anymore, whose smile can make me see the stars, whose laugh makes me weak in the knees. He is just the Jaebum who is in pain, just like I am. It changes so many things on so many levels for me. Maybe that is why I have the confidence of invading his personal space. There is a first time for everything and maybe this day is the ‘first time’ day after all.

Jaebum is not used to this proximity, even if we have known each other for so long. I have never been so close to him physically. Yes, we have hugged a few times, but just because there was no other choice. We preferred hugging over holding hands anytime of the day. Today, I was being bold because I sensed this was the last time I was going to be with him like this, even when he hadn’t said anything about not seeing me ever again. I had just let my fears manifest in front of my eyes because of his tears and I had assumed the worst. That happens when the person in front of you doesn’t say things to support or refute you. You just assume the worst, it is human nature to assume the worst when there is nothing said. This moment is a big example of what happens when you are not vocal about things. Fifteen years and I am still not used to it completely, I still manage to think the worst things possible when in reality, all Jaebum might be thinking about is why I was in his face right now.

My hands move from his shoulders to cup his face. I rub my thumbs under his eyes and wipe what little wetness there is. Even with his little eyes, he is wide eyed right now because he is beyond understanding what is happening. I am breathing heavily because even I am not used to being so close to him. My breath ghosts over his lips and chin and I stand on my toes to actually be able to look at his eyes properly.

“Jaebum, you know I am sorry, right? You know I didn’t mean for you two to break up? I never did anything to keep you away from each other. You have to believe me,” I say as I look into his eyes. He stares at me like I am an alien and I am totally confused because he doesn’t even blink.

“Jaebum?” I look at him questioningly and he still doesn’t say a word or blink. His mouth is slightly open and his lips are parted. I feel sorry that my eyes strayed and I looked at his lips. It must be my brain playing with my eyes because the moment I realize where I am looking I immediately go back to looking into his eyes.

“Jaebum? Can you please say something?” I rest my toes for a second and again stand on my toes. This time he blinks and gulps nervously. He frowns too. He then puts his hands on mine, he is practically cupping his own face right now. The moment he touches my hands, a shiver runs down my spine and I am too aware of myself. He tightens his hold on my hands as I try to remove them from his face.

“I missed you Youngjae,” he whispers and I lose control over my toes. I put my heels on the ground and my hands are still in his.

“Whha..at?”

“I said I missed you. Please don’t make me repeat it,” Jaebum looks at his feet and I realize this is the first time he has said something like this to me. What more is this day going to bring us?

“Please tell me it was not because you wanted to punch me in the face,” I utter and I too look at my shoes. He lets go of my hands and turns his back, resting his forehead on the window pane.

“No…not for that…” he whispers.

“I am so sorry for putting you through this. I should have left you alone a long time ago. How did I even expect a girl to be with you when I was with you every moment she wasn’t? I am sorry that you are my habit Jaebum. You are a habit I cannot get rid of. I should have known better than to hog your life and keep on making decisions or taking steps for you. I hate that my life has always been about your happiness and in that process I actually led you to sadness. I am sorry,” I sob loudly and I cannot stop myself anymore. Tears spill out graciously and I am in no mood to control myself.

“I am sorry that life is difficult for someone like you, I am sorry that people give so much importance to the words you utter than the feelings you feel inside of your heart. I am sorry that they don’t see the beauty that you hold and I always try to show it to them. I have seen it, I see it every day. It is almost compulsive of me to help you and say the things you are thinking out loud to people. I am such an idiot that I forget you are a grown up man and that you can handle your feelings better now. I should have trusted you more, Jaebum. I am sorry for sticking to you like glue,” I keep on whimpering and coughing while I say everything that is bottled inside my heart, everything except the reason why I stick to him like glue.

“Don’t cry,” he says without turning back. It is loud and clear and is full of emotions I do not understand. “Youngjae, don’t cry,” his repeating it makes me stop sobbing and I gulp down my pain and tears and clear my throat painfully. I wipe my face with my sleeve and look at Jaebum’s back. He is still resting his forehead on the window pane.

“No matter how many times I say, it will still not be enough. I am sorry,” I let go of all my self-control and hug him. I slide my arms under his, entwining my own fingers on his chest. I rest my cheek against his back and hug him as tightly as I can. I can feel the warmth that his body radiates and I could even die like this without any regrets. I press myself against him because I belong to him, he doesn’t know it but I do and that is enough reason for me to enjoy the pure bliss of being so close to him. That is enough reason for me to forget, just for a moment, the overwhelming pain of separation that I am going to experience after I leave. I know, this is as far as it gets for me and I am not even sad about it. But just as things start, they come to an end too. I let go of him and take a few steps back.

“Goodbye Jaebummie,” I turn around abruptly and leave, without waiting for a response. I would rather die than hear him say goodbye to me.

 


	4. Drenched

It’s been a week that I haven’t seen Jaebum and I haven’t tried to get in touch with him. My friends are confused about what really happened because I didn’t show on the weekend to check out the new band. Jaebum didn’t show either. It rarely happens that we miss attending a new show at the club. Of course they all come to check up on me and I am a big mess. I haven’t left my room and I am in my pajamas all day, confusing the shit out of my parents. I need time too, don’t I? For once, I am the one who is broken and needs time fixing and I am alone, except for the occasional bump-ins with my annoyingly loud sister. She knows something serious is up but she won’t go prying until I take an initiative to open up to her.

“Otter your little friends are here to see you,” she knocks on my door loudly and yells loud enough to make the boys hear her. Aish my sister! I sigh because now there is going to be a rapid fire round of questions. Oh God! Why do I have friends again?

I take slow steps to the staircase and I am sure the dragging noise that my feet are making has all the devils sitting downstairs to perk up their ears.

“Hey Sulkqueen, what is up with you? And what is up with noona calling us little, huh? Did she even see my muscles?” Jackson and his penchant for weirdly fitting pet names! I actually sulk at him again. Fresh sulk for him!

“Nothing…how are you guys here? Don’t you have work and stuff?” I mumble as I sit between Yugyeom and Jinyoung. God, Yugyeom smells sweet, just like a baby so I lean in on his shoulder and actually nuzzle in his neck like a pervert. He taps my head and I feel good.

“Do you want me to pamper you for a change? I will be leaving soon so I will like to see you go back to being normal, please hyung…” he keeps on petting my head and I already feel better.

“Yes please, yes,” I put my arms around him and hug him shamelessly. “Arasso, arasso. Come here hyung,” he hugs me back and I feel blessed for the first time in one week.

“Aren’t you a pair of cuties, my little dongsaengs,” Jackson jumps on us and puts his arms around us. I feel smothered and I don’t mind one bit.

We head up to my room and it is all crammed as all of them lodge themselves on my poor bed. Bambam keeps on looking at everything, I feel really weird because I haven’t cleaned my room in a week, everything is just scattered, like my thoughts.

“So what is up with you and Jaebum? Had a fight?” Jinyoung.

“Yeah hyung, what is up? You didn’t show at the club last night. What’s wrong?” Bambam.

“Is Jaebum giving you a hard time? Want me to settle it for you?” Jackson.

“Are you okay?” Yugyeom.

Mark just rubs circles on my back and smiles at me reassuringly.

“Yah, don’t ask me so many questions. I am okay,” I sit down, shoulders slouched.

“Look, we don’t know how you deal with him, even after all these years, we find it difficult to strike a conversation with him. So, if you don’t tell us what happened, we might never find out. We are planning to go see him after this, you know. We can already guess that he is going to be queasy because you won’t be there to steer the conversation for him,” Jinyoung and his way with words. I just cant think of a way to dodge his bullet of an argument.

“Guys, he thinks he is too dependent on me and he wants to decrease that dependence. It is only wise to give him time to do that, don’t you think? So I haven’t been imposing my company on him. You can go see him, I am sure he will be happy to see you guys,” I smile but I know it is my fakest one.

“Arasso. Did he say it explicitly that he didn’t want to see you?” Jinyoung!

That puts me in a deep thought. He never said anything about not seeing me again. But when am I ever wrong about guessing what he is wants?

“No. But I know that is what he wants. He hasn’t talked to me all week and even when we went to see him, he hardly talked to me. It is only proof that he doesn’t want me around him,” my voice starts to break so I clear my throat.

“We cannot forget about his breakup, maybe he blames me for it. It is hurtful when he looks at me like I am a culprit, it hurts me,” I am on the brink of letting my restraint go, yet again, so I concentrate on being as composed as I can be.

“Blames you for it? He has the audacity to blame you for it? You set them up in the first place. He would have never asked her out on his own. My God, Jaebum! What is wrong with him,” Jinyoung is pissed and I know a pissed Jinyoung is too much to handle.

“Calm down. Let it be. Let us not get into negative thoughts. He is having a hard time after Amy left, give him some understanding, okay?”

“Otter, you are so…” Jackson wants to say something but he stops mid-sentence and looks away. Oh God, Jackson is such a weirdo.

“Okay then. We will go see how he is doing. You take care of yourself, okay?” Jinyoung gets up and everybody follows.

“Oh that reminds me, you need to check this new band out. They are amazing! They have a perfect balance when it comes to music. They will be playing this week again, don’t miss it,” he pats my shoulder and I nod.

“Don’t ask him questions about me, okay? Please. Do not make him uncomfortable. He is already going to be stressed seeing all of you at once and I won’t be there so it is going to be hard for him. Just be easy, okay?”

“Yes. We will take care of your son, don’t worry,” Jackson smirks and I hit his head.

I stand in the window and see them walk to his gate. What must Jaebum be doing right now? I admit, I sit in the window most of the times in the hope of seeing a glimpse of him but I guess he hasn’t left the house at all. Maybe he does gardening but I have not been to my backyard in a while so I don’t know. I miss him, I miss him so much. I cannot stop thinking about him even for a second. It breaks my heart when I realize he hasn’t called me or tried to get in touch with me. Maybe, everything I was thinking was right after all. My best friend doesn’t want me anymore. I am no longer needed to comfort him or be with him. Took fifteen years, huh?

Have I told you how I have dealt with my feeling for Jaebum? I write. I write letters to him. What is so special about these letters? They are dated and do not exceed a page each. Reason? My way of controlling my feelings. Yeah, I am a weirdo. Eight years since I realised my feelings for him. I have written numerous letters and filled diaries with them. I sit down to write yet another letter to Jaebum and boy it is going to be so hard to fit all that I feel in a page.

_Jagiya,_

_How have you been? A week since I last saw you. I miss you. I miss your smile and the light in your eyes. I am sorry for everything, I will hate to see you cry again, so here I am, away from you. Please try to be normal with the guys when they come to see you, okay? Please take care of yourself because I don’t want anything to happen to you. It’s a bit cloudy today, just like my heart. I wish I could say everything that my heart holds and then fall into your arms and break down. I wish everything was easier when it comes to us. I wish you felt the same way about me. I couldn’t play the piano and the ballad I had prepared for you. Maybe someday we will go back to being friends and I can play it for you. Ever since I fell in love with you, I just can’t stop wishing for things. Please don’t think I am greedy, I am just a man in love. I want to say more, but the lines end here jagiya. I love you so much, always._

_Youngjae._

I can’t hold back my tears and all the love I feel for Jaebum in this moment. It is a strange addiction, to love and in turn to pain. It gets to me every time I think about the day I first felt something for Jaebum. We were sitting at a park nearby and as usual he was busy reading a book while I doing my assignment. He was engrossed in reading and when he is like that, even if you yell at him, he won’t pay any heed to you. It was a particularly breezy afternoon and his hair flew in all directions, settling back as it is on his head because, uh, Jaebum has freakishly straight hair. I was distracted the moment the wind started playing with the pages of my notebook so I turned to look at him. There he was, clutching the pages of his book tightly, reading like his life depended on it. A fringe of his hair was touching his forehead delicately, swinging to the tune of the wind. As he blinked, his beauty spots were so prominently visible. His slightly parted lips shivered because something must have happened in the story that he didn’t expect. He gulped as his eyes hungrily roamed on the pages, taking in more of the story. I stared at him blankly because I just couldn’t avert my eyes. It was beautiful, the sight was beautiful and my mind wouldn’t let me get back to what I was doing. I felt my stomach do a flip and I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. After that day, I couldn’t look at him and not feel awed by his beauty, not just by his physical beauty but the beauty of his heart.

I started noticing every little thing about him, how he smiled purely and how he was always helping people around him. He radiated a warmth that wasn’t really directed to me but it still engulfed me, whole. I could feel my pupils dilate every time he was around me, my heart skip a beat when his shoulder brushed against mine while walking down the street. I could read his thoughts as easily as the wind ruffled the leaves. It was love, it was love of the highest kind, a love for his heart, for his soul that my heart felt over and over again and it sometimes oozed out of me when I smiled wider than I usually did. I found the world to be beautiful and colourful, I found a poem in what little words I knew, a song that did nothing much to me suddenly made me wonder how life would be without him. It was overwhelming and frightening, it embodied me and so it was there to stay for all these years, without ever making its way to my tongue. And now it was oozing out of me, with the way my body shuddered and my eyes gave way to tears, yearning for his warmth, because it was cold, it was so cold without him.

A downpour started just as I looked out the window. The world was crying with me. The raindrops drenched everything, without any discrimination. Isn’t this the way love drenches your heart? Without discrimination, without holding back, not less not more. It is love, nothing less or nothing more. I heard the door to my room open and I turned back to see who it was, my heart wildly hoping it was Jaebum, but it was Jackson. It was Jackson who looked at me with understanding eyes, eyes that told me he was right by my side when I needed him. I got up, still standing in front of the window as little drops made their way inside, settling on my arm, cold wind blowing and giving me goose bumps.

“Youngjae…” he walked slowly towards me. He held me by my shoulders and said the words I least expected to hear. “It will never be easy, but you can’t back off. You cannot,” he put his arms around me and I hugged him, only then realizing that he must have felt just this at some point in his life to understand me so well. While I broke down in the arms of a friend, I didn’t notice a figure drenching in the rain looking at my window, frozen to the spot. Love and easy do not fit in one sentence, do they?


	5. Principles of detachment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> x

Comfort, comfort is what you seek in moments of despair. This comfort is a bit too overrated when you have a lot of people to fall back on, but this very comfort becomes a privilege when you feel lost and alone. The comfort that Jackson was providing me was a privilege, which I would value forever, even after all this passes.

“Who?”

“Mark.”

We hug tighter and shed silent tears and it becomes an embrace that dissolves us completely. If we understood each other’s pain completely, there would be no wars, only peace and love. Yeah, I am a Naruto fan, sorry, forgot to tell you that.

My sister knocks on the door slowly and we let go of each other, wiping our faces quickly. We look at each other and we know we are going to fail at hiding our current state of minds. I open the door, albeit with a nervous, heavy heart.

“Hot cocoa for my otter and his little friend,” she smiles brightly.

“Aaah noona, I am not little, look at my biceps,” Jackson doesn’t wait to flex his muscles and my sister bursts into fits of laughter, almost dropping the mugs in her hand, which I hurriedly take away and push her out.

We sip the cocoa as we engulf into a comfortable silence and I realize this silence, the silence of this kind is never going to leave my life.

“I don’t want to pry, but since when?”

“Almost a year,” Jackson sighs as he answers. “What is the problem? I am sure it is not as bad as me and…well, you know…” I gulp.

“He is the problem. He can’t be around me and he can’t be without me. He gives me all kinds of mixed signals. He confuses me. Let it be, my head hurts when I think about it. May be I should just move away or something,” he gets up and puts the cup on my table. “It stopped raining, I should go, I can drive back safely now that the rain has stopped,” he fishes out his car key and looks at me.

“Jackson, you said not to back out. You cannot move away, that’s backing out,” I look at him and shrug.

“I know, and that is why it is not easy. Not when you get thoughts about leaving, about forgetting, about not feeling anymore. It gets hard and it continues to be that way. It’s not like I haven’t tried moving away before. I couldn’t go through with it. Who is going to take care of him? Shit! I am so screwed otter,” he hangs his head and we stay like that because I don’t know what to say.

“We have each other. Let us figure this out. After all, isn’t it our fault that we fell in love with these weirdos in the first place?” I almost let out a laugh, an ironic laugh.

“Uhh. That makes us weird too,” he shakes his head and walks to the door.

“Call me if you need anything, anything at all. Don’t be alone, it hurts a lot when you are alone, I am here, okay?” he smiles and leaves.

I spend the night thinking about what tomorrow is going to bring. The dense, cool air rushes through my window, sending shivers across my body. I think about all the winter nights that I spent snuggled in my covers, imagining how it would be to look into Jaebum’s eyes and see the same love that my eyes radiate. Even then, it was the most ridiculous thought that crossed my mind, impossible more than ridiculous. I pulled my covers a little closer and felt contented with the warmth they provided. My head was heavy with all the things that had been going through my mind all day so I was already in a slumber until I heard the door of my bedroom open. Someone tiptoed towards my bed and planted a kiss on my forehead. My sister, she run her fingers through my hair and planted another kiss on my forehead. She was very affectionate, since the beginning, as far as I can remember. She tells me she is going to cuddle with me even when I am 50 and I can’t help but smile at how weirdly cute she is.

“You know I am here for you, right?” she whispers. She doesn’t know I can hear her and my heart pools with love for this beautiful creature that is hoarding my bed right now. Today, I feel comfort, I finally feel the comfort that warms your heart and makes it hurt a little less. This is that warmth, making me feel much better, making my worries sink and numbing my heart to the pain. She cuddles with me for a while and then leaves as quietly as she came. I drift into a peaceful slumber, sure that Jaebum would be in my dreams even when I am at the brink of a major breakdown, even when my heart is weak to his mere mention.

Sometime in the middle of the night I wake up to go to the bathroom. I glance out of the window. I see that a faint light is glowing in the front yard of Jaebum’s house. It is the light of his room projecting on the front yard. What is he doing up at this ungodly hour? I stare in the direction for God knows how long until I start feeling uncomfortable. With much difficulty, I get back to my bed and lie down, pushing all bad thoughts away, making way for my sleep again.

The morning is really cold, I am almost shivering while I make my way downstairs for breakfast. The rains have made everything gloomier and the cold doesn’t help either.

“You are up early, are you going try finding a job again?” my father enquires and a pang of guilt is directly transported from my heart to my face.

“Uhh, sure. I will do that,” I say in an almost inaudible voice, my slight nod conveying my answer.

“You can take a few more days off if you want though, I was just curious, I am not pushing you, okay?” he clarifies and I instantly dig into my breakfast with relief.

“I just spoke to Jaebum’s mom. She needs to go to a hospital, her driver is on leave and Mr Im is out of town. So I insisted you will drive her. Can you please go to her right away after you are done?” my mother urges me to finish my breakfast quickly.

“What happened?”

“Jaebum is sick.” And just like that my morning turns into a gloomy mess and clouds start to pool over our town yet again. My heart beats rapidly in my chest as I imagine all the things that may be wrong with Jaebum until my mom shakes me out of my reverie. “You will go help her, right?” “Of course. Don’t worry,” I gulp because this is going to be extremely hard.

The anticipation of seeing Jaebum is troubling, not because I am nervous, but because an ill Jaebum is clingy. Yes, even with the way he is, he likes to be taken care of when he is ill. He likes being smothered and pampered because, well, people are weird. When I reach his gate, my heart gets a bit erratic because I don’t know what is going to happen today. We haven’t seen or talked to each other since more than a week. I am just hoping he doesn’t kick me out or ignore me. I am prepared to tell him that I came here because my mom insisted. I push open the gate and walk towards the door. Jaebum’s mom sees me through the window and rushes to open the door.

“Oh, you came, thank you honey,” she kisses my cheek and I smile. “What kept you away for a week? Is everything okay? Did my son give you a hard time again?” she enquires and I shake my head. “No, I was busy and I just wanted to him deal with the breakup, I didn’t want to shroud him with my thoughts on it,” I make up a story that manages to convince his mother. No, I am not a compulsive liar, but sometimes you have to lie in order to avoid crazy situations and a big round of questioning.

“The doctor was here, we don’t need to drive to the hospital. Your uncle called in a favour with his friend. Stay for a while, I will cook something for brunch. Go see Jaebum, he must have heard you already,” she pushes me towards the staircase and I feel a bit dizzy. I know I cannot avoid seeing Jaebum because that will make her suspicious so I slowly ascend the stairs. I stand in front of his bedroom door and I suddenly realize that beyond this door is the person who has been at the centre of everything in my life. Is it a mistake to give someone this much power over you? Of course it is. What is the worst part about this situation? Jaebum has no idea of how much power he has over me.

I knock on the door but there is no response so I turn the knob and peek in. I see him wrapped in blankets, the tip of his nose red and the colour of his face flushed. It is it too much to find him beautiful even now?

“Jaebummie,” I call out and he painfully opens his eyes to look at me. Why is it that for a glance, for us to look at each other, for us to be in the same room, he has to get ill or I have to lose control of my emotions? Sigh. I walk towards his bed even when I can clearly see he is displeased to see me. _Sulk all you want Jaebum, if you are sick you get to see me, whether you like it or not._

I sit on his bed, on his side, a little over his blankets that are currently giving him warmth.

“What happened? How did you catch the flu suddenly?”

“Got wet,” he answers without even looking at me. I guess the ceiling is prettier.

“How?”

“Was walking and yesterday’s storm got me drenched,” he coughs as he speaks, his forehead forming a frown and his overall body language being negative.

“Okay. I didn’t come here out of choice, auntie had asked me to drive you guys to the hospital, so stop making a face, I am leaving,” I get up to leave but he gets hold of my wrist and his hold is really tight even if he is sick. I am startled by this contact and I turn to look at him. He looks at me with intense eyes, not blinking and trying to convey something which I cannot understand.

“Let go,” things start pooling in my chest and before I break down, I just want to rush out of here.

I try to free my wrist but his hold only tightens. “I said let go Jaebum,” I hiss in pain. “Jaebum, it hurts, please,” he finally let go and I grasp my wrist with my other hand and rub it frantically.

“I am sure someone will kiss your wrist and make the pain go away,” he says and my eyes widen.

“What did you say?” I sound incredulous because Jaebum never talks like this.

“I said someone will kiss your pain goodbye, what did you not understand?” he sounds pissed and I don’t know what really is happening here.

“You are sick and are rambling. I guess it is the meds. I think I should leave and let you rest,” I turn and yet again stop when he says, “Oh, do you have a date? I am sorry that I kept you,” “What is wrong with you? You know I am not dating anybody, why are saying all these things? Are you projecting your anger on me like this Jaebum? Can you please just stop with all this? I am already in pain, please don’t be an ass right now, I cannot take it,” tears well up in my eyes and I shake. “I know you think Amy broke up with you because of me but I was not at fault really. I didn’t do anything to keep you two apart. So, stop punishing me, okay? Just stop it before I break and I don’t have a friend like you do who will pick my pieces up and put me back together, okay? I am sorry that I came to see you, auntie insisted I saw you so I came. Goodbye and take care,” I wipe the tears in my eyes and walk towards the door without turning back.

“I can’t believe that you said goodbye, you said goodbye to me, and never in fifteen years did you use that word with me like this, even when I was the most difficult person to deal with. But today you did, wow,” he coughs heavily and his eyes start to water, he isn’t sure whether it’s the flu or if he is crying.

I linger at the door mulling on his words and my heart churns at the thought of hurting Jaebum with just a single word which I said in my frustration. I feel awful but at this point if I turn back and comfort him, I will only fall in deeper, I will only care more and I will only hurt more.

“All good things come to an end. Sorry. I hope you get well soon,” I dash out of his room, press myself against the door and cry myself out as silently as possible until I hear a nerve shattering noise coming from the room. Looks like he dropped something and broke it into pieces. When things break, they make a noise, when hearts break there is only a painful silence, and my relationship with silence is that of a lifetime so I walk down with heavy steps and leave without saying bye to auntie. Now, Jaebum needs to learn that I am taking back the power little by little, and one day, I will take it all back. Because I am not a punchbag, I am not a tool to let out anger, I am someone who cares, someone who has always been there. If he cannot love I will have to accept it and move on because breaking down is not pretty. It never is.


	6. Unleashed

It was one of those weekends today when we went to the club and heard a band play. Now, Jinyoung had asked me to come and not miss the band that was playing so I decided to go. I had no expectations regarding how the night would go but I was glad that I was finally stepping out of the house. Jackson came to pick me up and I was more than glad that he did. All the others were going to meet us there. I didn’t have the heart to ask Jinyoung if Jaebum was coming, assuming he wouldn’t, rather hoping he wouldn’t.

The drive to the club wasn’t a very long one but it turned out to be a good one. Jackson is funny, he is always up for making people react the way he wants them to. I like that about him a lot. He masks his pain really well and uses his humour as his defence. I was seeing a whole new Jackson today, not because I was spending some alone time with him coincidentally, but because I knew what he was going through and still saw him smile and laugh, get excited when I did the same. There is a strange bond in between people who feel the same pain and yes, it strengthens their relationship. In this moment, I am glad to have a friend like Jackson who with his every smile teaches me to hold myself together and control the pain. I am not going to gratify my pain anymore, it can rip my heart all it wants but I am going to smile, smile because Jackson wants me to, because Jackson needs me to, because I want to.

Jackson pulls up in the parking lot and the guys are already there, standing near Jinyoung’s car and talking. The moment they see us pull up, they walk towards us. Jackson unexpectedly gets down fast, running to my side of the door and opening it for me like a gentleman. It makes me laugh.

“Why thank you Sir,” I bow to him, “The pleasure is mine Sir,” he bows back and we break into a chuckle. The others stand there open mouthed not understanding what is really happening. They are quick to shrug it off because we are all different kinds of crazy, so yeah. Mark doesn’t look like he is going to shrug it off anytime soon though.

“We need to wait for Jaebum, he will be here any minute,” Jinyoung looks at his watch and my heart does something I would never get used to. Jackson holds my hand tight and I take a long breath and try to calm down.

“You mind if me and Youngjae go in and order our drinks? Will save time,” Jackson asks Jinyoung and he nods.

“Fruit punch for them, don’t spoil them just yet, okay?” he warns, pointing at Yugyeom and Bambam. We both turn to get inside the club, ignoring the whines coming from the little ones.

“You doing okay?” Jackson rubs circles on my back and I nod. “What about you? Not that you are away from the source of…you know,” my voice trails. “Sheesh! I am fine. He can go fuck himself, really. I asked him if he wanted me to pick him up, do you what he said?” I raise my eyebrows. “He said I should stop acting like a chauffeur to him, I hung up on him without a word. I am starting to question my emotions more than ever now. What did I see in him?” “May be the handsome face and the flawless milky white skin and the irresistible lips?” I chuckle. “Yah! Shut up. Don’t be smart with me. He can keep all that to himself for all I care. Let us enjoy this night without the mentions of our ‘you know whos’, okay?” and I am happy to smile for Jackson yet again.

We order the drinks and wait for them at our table. In a couple of minutes the others make their way into the club. A cold shiver runs down my spine as I see Jaebum snake his way through the crowd towards the table. He looks like the full moon on a dark night. His jet black hair combed well and his big forehead shining in colourful light. His black jacket and grey t-shirt make him look classy if not overdressed. The colour of his face has returned, proof of a full recovery and his pink lips are shut tight. All in all, he is the ever charming Jaebum without even realizing it. I avert my eyes from him and concentrate on everything but him. From the corner of my eye, I can see him glance in my direction and it feels weird because we have never been this awkward before. Jackson is sitting by my side and there is an empty chair right beside me which no one thinks of occupying, assuming it is reserved for Jaebum because he always sits with me. But today, when Yugyeom comes to pick his drink up, I pull him down and make him sit beside me. That makes Jaebum sit in between Jinyoung and Mark and he is already queasy in the spot. _Well, Jaebummie, that’s what you get for being an ass to me that day._

The show starts and I am entranced by music which is a perfect R&B, swaying and tapping my feet with the rhythm. This band is amazing, seven of them enjoying their every moment on the stage. The lyrics is cute and stays back in my mind even after their performance is over. I loved all the songs they performed, each of a different genre but their charm remains the same. They do hip hop well too and I suddenly have the urge to quit this boring life and be a part of a band. On my side, Jackson is enjoying the rap a lot and he sways and hums along, smiling at me brightly. We are enjoying the show privately, me and Jackson. That makes it more exhilarating. This was my thing with Jaebum, we did this a lot and well today, I am doing it with Jackson and it doesn’t feel odd anymore. May be I am being spiteful and maybe I am going to hate it when I get home but in this moment I didn’t refrain myself and this is when I feel the most self-involved for the first time in the last fifteen years.

It is our tradition to go eat spicy chicken at our favourite local restaurant after the show so without any discussion we head towards the parking lot.

“Aren’t you coming with us?” Jinyoung asks me and I shake my head. “I will go with Jackson, see you there,” I hop towards Jackson’s car but I miss the look on both Mark’s and Jaebum’s face. The rest of the evening is uneventful except for the stolen glances and mixed expressions that Jaebum’s face was decorated with.

We didn’t live too far from the restaurant so I was going to walk home and so was Jaebum. Jackson raised his eyebrows at me, asking me if he wanted me to drop him home. I shook my head. It was time to take more power back and that was what I was going to do. Saying our goodbyes, we both started to walk towards our homes. It was silent, like always, the route and Jaebum. I consciously started walking a little fast, not wanting to walk by his side because I didn’t even want to be by his side anymore. After all these years, anger had set in. Anger, which I had kept at bay, remembering how precious Jaebum was to me. Thinking and explaining it to myself that he couldn’t comprehend my feelings. Blaming myself because I didn’t have the courage to tell him about it. But recently I had started to feel betrayed, betrayed because he hadn’t once said that he didn’t blame me for his break up, he hadn’t stopped me when I apologised for something I never did, he hadn’t given me the comfort that I deserved for being innocent, for being too good a friend to him all my life. Instead he had asked me questions about dating? Who does that? He had put in physical pain in the list too, seriously, what on earth was he thinking when he did that?

He matched my steps and I kept evading him. It was as if he wanted to walk with me even if he had nothing to say. _Sorry Jaebum, it is time for you to talk or you are going to lose me forever. It is time for you to leave your reclusive, quiet self behind and say what needs to be said._ My heart kept beating loudly in my chest, for the first time not because I had butterflies in my stomach, but because it burned with anger and molten pain was drowning it time and again.

“Why don’t you walk with me? Why are you doing this?” he had finally found his voice after we played the chase game for a while.

“I don’t want to be by your side, isn’t it evident to you yet?” I spat because no, I was not going to be a silent, all tolerating monk today. Jaebum needed some treatment, something I should have done long ago. It was a now or never situation, even I exaggerate sometimes, you know I am just too much about everything but tonight, it was all too serious.

“Why? Why are you behaving like this?”

“Because you are an ass. You have been an ass all your life Jaebum. I kept being with you because I wasn’t a shitty person to leave someone when things got difficult. But well, I just broke when everything with Amy happened and you didn’t even tell me you didn’t blame me. You let me feel the guilt Jaebum, you let me writhe in pain due to that guilt and you made me see you hurt and broken. You went away to Thailand for three fucking weeks as if you wanted to get away from me, to reinforce that I was at fault! You never once thought to tell me it wasn’t my fault or that I was innocent. Instead, you treated me like an ass that you are, you asked me stupid questions about dating Jaebum, who does that to someone who is hurting? And you have the audacity today to ask me why I am behaving like this? You need to see a doctor Jaebum, you need to check if you have a heart or not.”

“I don’t want to be friends with a person who uses me as a punching bag, who projects his anger and frustration on me when all I need is comfort. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t know the value of words, the value of my presence and my emotions. I am tired, eight years, I am tired. I am exhausted and the worst part is that this exhaustion was not able to keep me away from you. You remained so lost in your world while I kept on losing a part myself being with you. Why don’t we just end it? You have 5 other friends besides me, you have people you can talk to except me, so why are we even friends Jaebum? Just let me end this pain, I have had enough, I am tired okay? Your silence is going to be a problem. It ALWAYS was a problem, but I dealt with it because I made myself like that for you. That is how much I cared for you. The moment you really had to show an ounce of emotion for me, to care for me, you disappointed me, you disappointed me so much!” tears start falling from my eyes and I don’t care. They flow like my emotions right now, I have no doubt that I am going to sleep peacefully tonight because I have said all the things I needed to. I realize that we had stopped in the middle of the side walk and thankfully it was deserted and my outburst had remained private. My whole body was trembling and I was appalled by the immense self-control that I had shown by not telling him that I was in love with him, I was since past eight years.

Is it absurd that I hadn’t lost my patience before? I know it is. Why now? Because once you start dealing with what life offers you, you start to change yourself to fight the pain, your heart gets bigger to contain happiness, and it becomes stronger to deal with the troubles. But every once in a while, you need to tend to your heart. You need to take care of it lovingly. Who does it? The people who love you do it for you. They love you, they spend time with you, create happy memories with you, they make you feel loved.

But what happens when you never have time to tend to your heart? You start to wither, your heart starts to fall apart and every attack becomes that much more painful until you finally break down. Yes, I had people who made me happy, who took care of me, but one incomplete chapter, one complication that was Jaebum had made me weak, I had forgotten what it meant to take care of myself. I had forgotten how much I needed to be happy, my sanity was slowly slipping away from my hands. I had become an obsessive fool only to wake up from my dream land to face the reality. A reality in which Jaebum was apprehensive to make me realize I was precious and that he cared for me.

My face is wet with tears and I wipe them with my sleeve. Jaebum is looking at me with God knows what emotion but I am too tired to put my deductive skills to work today to figure it out so I just start walking again. I know, even if I am counting the last moments of my life, Jaebum wouldn’t say he needed me, he would never ever do anything remotely close to that. He will just zip his mouth like always while I perish. Even in such deep despair, I know he is never going to say what needs to be said.

He grabbed my arm and turned me around. I was aghast because this is not what I was hoping to get from him. I didn’t want him to get aggressive, I wanted him to say the right words. I wanted his face to turn gentle, his eyes to show emotion, his tongue to function normally and utter words that made sense. I wanted him to tend to my heart!

There he was, trembling from head to toe, eyes watery and lips parted. His hands had landed back on his sides and his posture reeked of confusion, frustration, anger and most importantly realization. His face had left all colour and his fingers had made a fist. He was standing barely at arm’s length from me and I could clearly hear his hitched breath. So there, he was reacting to my words, he was reacting to my pain, my anger, my frustration, and he was reacting to me. He was. In my abyss of a mind, it made me happy that I had yet again breached his wall and flown inside his well-guarded heart like a high tide, unstoppable and unrelenting. His eyes were what I would call amorphous because they were not capable to exhibit everything he was feeling. For once, they had become something I couldn’t read and for once they were looking right into me, without losing focus.

“You ca..an’t…Youngjae, you can’t…” he muttered as tears flowed freely through his eyes. Even now, I could feel my heart clench. It clenched against my will, I had no control over anything and my heart reminded me of if yet again.

“I can’t what Jaebum? Fucking say it, okay? Use that goddamn tongue of yours for once. Don’t make me rack my brains out to figure out what you think I can’t do. I will kill you if you expect as much as a smile from me after today. You have this one chance to speak or we are done. We are so done. Don’t ever expect me to be your guiding fucking light in this world so that people don’t end up killing you,” I say and yet again realize how I cannot control anything anymore.

“You cannot leave me. You just cannot. If you leave me…” he gulps and takes a deep breath, his throat making a weird noise as he does.

“If you leave me I will be lost Youngjae. I will be nothing without you…” and like a spell his words worked on me, my tears making their way again, my whole body shaking at those few words. But I didn’t know what more was to come because if there was one thing I couldn’t predict about Jaebum was his reaction to emotions. From the looks of it, I was going to find out.

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for putting up with this, really! This fic draws a lot from me when I write a chapter. It restrains and liberates me at the same time. This chapter was about Youngjae from start to finish and he turns out to be the powerful man that I hope he is. He suddenly tranformed from an all tolerating, loving and ever present friend to a no bullshit kind of a guy. It took his heart eight years to get here, that is how powerful his love was for Jaebum. He never strayed or doubted his control but when it comes down to defending your very respect and dignity, Youngjae will be relentless. I am sorry for such a huge ass author note, I am sure nobody does this explaining shit but I thought you guys should know how I felt even if every word of this story is mine. Thank you for being so patient and so overwhelmingly sensitive to this story.


	7. Need

“If you leave me I will be lost Youngjae. I will be nothing without you…” he sniffled and I couldn’t help but feel that time had stopped. “I know…I know I have been a really bad friend but…Youngjae, you know me, right? You know I cannot…I cannot say what I feel. It takes a lot out of me to…to be expressive. I am sorry, okay? Please don’t leave me Youngjae, you are my best friend. I need you, I need you so much in my life,” he sobbed and I felt so weak in so many ways. There we were, on the sidewalk crying our eyes out and being so stupidly emotional. But somehow, it just felt right. I had to get some things cleared, remembering all the things that Amy had said to me.

“You need me for what? To decipher the world and people for you? To show them the side of you which you are incapable of showing? Is that why you need me?” I looked into his eyes and tried to see the flicker of emotion which was supposed to lead me to his answer. I couldn’t read him anymore because I was distracted by his tears.

“No. I need you because…I need you because you are you Youngjae. There is nobody like you in this world and I know it. You are the only one I can actually talk to…well the one to whom I talk the most. You know what Amy said when she broke up with me?” a fresh wave of tears flowed through his eyes, as if the memory had undone a wound that he tried so much to heal. “She said, ‘Jaebum, you are such a fool. You are so dependent on your best friend. I don’t know how he puts up with you. To keep reading between the lines to just be friends with you, that is hell of a lot for me to understand. I know we are supposed to love each other, but I cannot do the same for you, I cannot do what Youngjae does for you because I would rather spend that time making happy memories with someone else, some who is easy to figure out. Youngjae must be extraordinary and you are such a fool to not see it.’ I went to Thailand, not to make you feel guilty but to figure out what she tried to tell me. I am sorry I never told you that I didn’t blame you for my break up. I am sorry that I went away. Don’t hold it against me Jae, please,” he coughed and his sobs became louder and I didn’t know what to do.

Jaebum was slowly undoing all the chains that bound his heart and I was sure I was not going to be strong enough to handle him when that happened. Why? Because he had never said these many sentences in quick succession. He was an actual introvert. There were times when he would stop talking entirely but when you looked into his eyes you could see he was having so many discussions with himself inside his mind. He thought a lot about a lot of things and then he would arrive at a conclusion by himself, his eyes changing into something different, you could never know what he was thinking about. Sometimes, even I thought he was borderline crazy and that made me want to take care of him even more. Everything led to the same destination for me, everything led me to Jaebum and my heart showed me how my love for him was logical. Who does that? Find logic in love? Well, when you love someone like Jaebum, you end up doing impossible things.

“Did you understand what Amy tried to tell you?” I mustered the courage to dig into my own grave. If he did find out what she was trying to tell him, this night was the night when he confirms that I am in love with him. If he wasn’t able to understand what she said, then this was yet another common day where he was being an ignorant dumbass and I would have to put up with it. All in all, I was a target of two different kinds of pains, awaiting to be hit by one of them. If he manages to decode my love for him, he is going to be a big mess because his brain is going to go into overdrive. He doesn’t know how to handle emotions anyway and when he knows that his best friend, his very definition of solace was in love with him, where was he going to go? What was he going to do? If he didn’t understand Amy’s words, I was going to have to live with the guilt of never having the courage to confess. It sucked.

“I…Youngjae I…” he was having difficulty breathing and it scared me to death. I leapt forward and held his shoulders. “Jaebummie, you okay?” I rubbed his arms slowly until he calmed down. His head was down and his face was red because he had cried a lot. The tip of his nose looked adorable because it had gone a light shade of pink and I wanted to touch it so bad. I was drifting in his beauty again, his beauty was today decorated with pain, yes, it really was. Jaebum looked human, he looked beautifully vulnerable and so fragile that I wanted to hold him gently in my arms. It is so weird that one moment you want to hurt the person you love so much because you need some weird satisfaction, and when you actually do that, you suddenly want to take care of them and make them feel loved again.

Jaebum slowly looked up and into my eyes. My hands were still gripping his shoulders. He took a step forward and before I knew it, his hands made their way to my waist. His grip was tight and I felt a tingly sensation at the pit of my stomach because not in a million alternate universes was Jaebum supposed to touch my waist. My hands went down immediately, slightly touching his as they fell on my sides. He pulled me closer and we were inches apart. His grip further tightened on my waist and I was numb in my head because I didn’t know how to react. I was tongue tied and suddenly everything went silent. His rubbed his thumbs against my shirt and I felt goose bumps on my entire body. I closed my eyes instantly as I felt this little physical contact do a million things to me. His hands moved slowly, I could feel the movement so clearly against the fabric of my shirt. His hands had inched upwards as he touched my sides, ever so gently. He entwined his fingers together behind my back and pulled me in a hug, a hug so warm that I felt all my pain wash away. He hugged me by himself, Jaebum hugged me. I couldn’t believe it. My chin rested against his shoulder and I could actually smell his cologne. His hands remained tight behind my back as if not planning to let me go anytime soon. My arms hung lamely against his until the moment I felt his breath against my neck, I wrapped them around him, holding him tighter.

“Jae…why do you smell like sunshine?” he whispered and I felt that my painful existence had led me to this questionable moment. I gulped nervously. “Whh…aat?” I wasn’t sure I had heard him right because it could be my mind playing tricks on me since I was in an unbelievable situation right now. “I asked, why do you smell like sunshine Jae?” he repeated, his lips painfully close to my ears, so much that I could feel his breath ghosting over it. “Uhhh…I don’t know,” I mumbled against his shoulder. “Can you please forgive me for all the bad things I did to you? Please. I will never let you go Jae. I will not…” his grip tightened and I was pretty sure I was going to have a hard time breathing or I was going to have some broken bones. His right hand was on my head and his fingers roamed in my hair while his left was tightly wrapped against my waist. I felt something wet on my back and heard him sniffle softly. My back continued to get wet as he clutched me tighter.

“This was really hard for me to do Jae, do you now realize how much I need you and what you mean to me? Please Jae, never talk about leaving me again. It will break me,” his sobs were rocking him in my embrace. “What little normalcy and comfort I have in my life because of you will be gone. I don’t know what else to say,” he sobbed.

“Jaebummie…don’t cry. Please don’t cry,” it felt like I was repeating the same words that Jaebum had said to me when I had cried in front of him. It was strangely familiar but this time I was saying the words and the tears were falling from his eyes. I felt him gulp his pain away just like I had done that day. He calmed down in a few minutes as we stayed in each other’s embrace. So this was how he was when he was overwhelmed by his heart.  So many years of knowing this person and still not knowing so many things about him.

Something pooled inside my stomach and I realized how much the words ‘let’s end this’ had affected him. We were just friends in his eyes and still it mattered so much to him. He didn’t want me to leave him. So when I took back some power, I gotten so much more in return with it. I couldn’t even think about what was right and what was wrong, all I could think about was the intoxicating smell of Jaebum and his arms around me, his words resonating in my ears and his breath against my neck. I could remain like this forever but it started raining. I hated the rain so much right now because I wanted to be in his arms a little longer. He let me go as we started getting drenched. We started running towards home. This time, I was running with him and not ahead of him. We were in front of my house within a few minutes, completely wet and panting.

“Come inside Jaebum,” I said in between my pants. “I should head home,” he said apprehensively so I just pulled him by his wrist and led him into the house.

“Otter, what the hell! I called you a million times, where were you?” my sister shakes me by the shoulders and yells in my face. “Yah! I am wet, I need to dry myself up. I was at the club, we got late. Sorry my phone was on silent, now move,” I push her aside and climb the stairs. “Come on, are you going to stand there like a statue forever?” I yell at Jaebum and hear him climb the stairs.

“These kids got the carpet wet, Eomma…” I could hear my sister yell and I knew I was going to get into trouble later. We got into the room and I closed the door behind us, I don’t know why I did that but I just did. I opened the wardrobe and handed him a towel. He got his jacket off and set it on the chair near the window.

“Oh you can see my front yard so clearly from here,” he muttered and I shot my head in his direction. Right, Jaebum had been to my house a lot of times but whenever we were home, we never hung out in my room. We either sat in the small garden in my backyard or in the patio. Another reason why he never frequented my room was because I didn’t let him. I was afraid I would do something stupid in an enclosed space with him ever since I realized my feelings for him. Although he had seen my room many times before, he didn’t know about me moving the table to the window or the reason why I did that in the first place.  

“Uhh…yeah. Do you want to change into something comfortable? I could lend you a shirt,” I asked without looking at him. “No, its okay, I should probably go home,” he was busy wiping his hair dry. “Okay, I will get us some coffee. You should talk to mom, you haven’t seen her in a while, right? Just call and tell auntie that you are here. I will go get the coffee, okay?” I move towards the door and dash down the stairs, my heart thumping wildly. I change into dry clothes hastily and walk towards the kitchen to make coffee.

**

Jaebum looked around the room and made himself comfortable on the bed. He thought about all the things that happened this evening and he being in Youngjae’s room was proof that he had been forgiven. That made him smile. He walked to the window and gazed outside. It was still raining albeit not as heavily. He remembered the day he saw Youngjae in Jackson’s arms. It had done something to him, he had felt pissed in that moment and he didn’t understand why. Was it because he thought he was the only one Youngjae was comfortable hugging? Was it because he was scared that Youngjae didn’t want to see him anymore? He didn’t know. The rain reminded him of that day and it was really hard for him to take his mind off that memory. He sat on the chair and rested his chin on his arms. A beautiful brown diary with a single golden rose on its cover attracted his attention because it was right in front of him. He apprehensively opened it. He flipped through the pages and noticed that only one page was written on. He began to read:

Jagiya,

How have you been? A week since I last saw you. I miss you. I miss your smile and the light in your eyes. I am sorry for everything, I will hate to see you cry again, so here I am, away from you. Please try to be normal with the guys when they come to see you, okay? Please take care of yourself because I don’t want anything to happen to you. It’s a bit cloudy today, just like my heart. I wish I could say everything that my heart holds and then fall into your arms and break down. I wish everything was easier when it comes to us. I wish you felt the same way about me. I couldn’t play the piano and the ballad I had prepared for you. Maybe someday we will go back to being friends and I can play it for you. Ever since I fell in love with you, I just can’t stop wishing for things. Please don’t think I am greedy, I am just a man in love. I want to say more, but the lines end here jagiya. I love you so much, always.

Youngjae.

His mouth remained open for what felt like eternity. Youngjae loved someone? Who? It was dated on the same day that Jaebum had seen him hug Jackson, the same day when it had been a complete week he hadn’t seen Youngjae. Could it be…? Youngjae was in love with him? He reread the letter again, again and again. This was…new and it was confusing and it was making him blush and it was making his stomach turn and it was making him feel out of control. It was making him feel a lot of things. Again. Feeling so many things in one day…it was driving him mad. He closed the diary and got up hurriedly and sat on the bed. He rethought everything that Youngjae had said to him. He had said, ‘I am tired, eight years, I am tired’ but they had been friends since more than eight years. Eight years ago, they were sixteen. Was he talking about the time since he fell in love with Jaebum?

The door of the room opened and Youngjae walked in with two coffee mugs, along with the aroma. Youngjae looked stunning in the black tshirt, his skin shone against the room’s calming light. He had a small smile plastered on his face as he handed Jaebum the mug and Jaebum felt his heart do somersaults, something he had never felt before. Youngjae sat across from Jaebum and they silently sipped the coffee, relishing the hot beverage in the cold weather. Jaebum was shivering, thanks to his wet clothes but the coffee was slowly doing its work, warming Jaebum to his toes. Was it just the coffee? The thought of it having something to do with Youngjae scared Jaebum to death.

“I am sorry, I sat on your bed with wet clothes,” Jaebum didn’t dare to look into Youngjae’s eyes because his heart just wouldn’t calm down.

“It’s okay. Did you call auntie?” Jaebum had forgotten to call his mom and now he was going to be in trouble. But the reason why he had forgotten was lying on the table. He shook his head and Youngjae clicked his tongue. “Good job Jaebummie, she is going to yell. I guess my mom must have told her you are here so she might not,” Youngjae smiled cheekily. “She did?” “Yeah, I asked her to. So, don’t worry,” he smiled wide and Jaebum felt blinding for a second. It was getting harder for him to stay still so he stood up abruptly. Youngjae stood up too, confused.

“I should go, see you tomorrow?” Jaebum gulped. “Uhh…are you okay?” “I am A-okay Jae. Tomorrow then?” Youngjae nodded and Jaebum bolted out of the room as if he was possessed. Youngjae had no idea what had happened but he was hoping it was nothing bad. He stood by the window and saw Jaebum rush to his house. When he got inside his gate, he turned to look at the window and stared at Youngjae. Youngjae shifted uncomfortably in his spot as he felt Jaebum stare. He waved and Jaebum waved back before rushing inside. Youngjae turned and saw that Jaebum had left his jacket on the chair, he picked it up and smelled it. Jaebum’s smell was intoxicating and after tonight, his very existence in Youngjae’s life was like a drug. Youngjae had to finally admit that he needed Jaebum more than Jaebum needed him.


	8. Again

Jaebum and I were walking on the side walk, not talking, just walking with each other. The wind was blowing treacherously, making Jaebum’s hair fly in all directions. His eyes squinted to avoid the dust from getting into his eyes. His lips were parted and the hands that were in his pockets were now covering his eyes because the wind was blowing dramatically. Suddenly, it stopped.

Warm rays of sun light hit Jaebum’s face and he looked illuminated. He closed his eyes as he tilted his chin upwards to revel in the warmth. A slight smile was visible on the corners of his thin lips. He gulped and his Adam’s apple moved, looking like ripples created in a silent lake. We walked, we never stopped walking. The warm sun had vanished and was followed by a chilling afternoon. The air was colder than ever. Jaebum gripped his elbows and shivered. His nose became pink and he shut his lips tightly because he couldn’t contain how cold he felt. He bit his lip as shook him from head to toe. His cheeks were a faint pink and his eyes blinked really fast as if he was scared they would freeze. I remember how he looked as he bent his head down, arms tight around himself, trying to find his own warmth.

I looked around and suddenly the trees were crimson, the wind was no longer chilly but a pleasant, breezy one. The side walk seemed endless, just like how I imagined walking with Jaebum would be. I would walk with him forever and not regret it. The breezy wind, Jaebum’s favourite kind, made him smile and he had a skip in his step. He glanced at me and smiled wide. He hadn’t looked at me before this, not when he shivered, not when he was feeling warm and content, not when the wind was monstrous. He looked at me when it had gotten breezy, as if the breezy wind reminded him of me. He held my hand and we skipped on the side walk together like little children enjoying their evening. His laughter echoed through my mind and I gripped his hand tighter, never wanting to let go. Even in my subconscious mind, I was thankful to have such beautiful dreams where every season reminded me of Jaebum, every step I took was beside him and my very happiness was defined by his illuminating smile.

The morning was gracious even when in reality it was unbearably cold. I felt warm and happy and somehow the gloom the clouds brought did not dampen my spirits. I smiled as I got up from my bed, gripping the covers close to me because my heart was so full of happy thoughts. Jaebum’s touch still lingered with me and it made my hair stand on end. Oh my God, he was doing it to me again, I was going back to being a teenager with a big crush and I was not even ashamed of it. I clicked my tongue and cursed because whenever I started my day like this, I was bound to screw something up. I was distracted all day and that resulted in blunders. I stretched and lazily walked to the bathroom.

Half an hour later I was downstairs stuffing my mouth with breakfast and I don’t really know what I was excited about. I was smiling at my sister throughout breakfast and her expressions were borderline creepy to say the least. After breakfast, she pulled me to a corner and looked at me from head to toe. “You alright? Please don’t tell me that you had your first kiss or something! You are smiling like an insane person and it is so damn creepy after all the days you were moping,” her eyes are wide as she waits for my response. “Aish! Be happy that I am smiling, you are always complaining about something or the other noona, I am just happy. You think I got my first kiss, like really?” I narrowed my eyes at her and sighed. “Okay, as long as my little otter is happy, noona is happy too,” she pulled my cheeks and I whined. “I am not a child anymore noona, stop doing that,” “Not in a million years,” she walked away smiling cheekily.

The guys were going to meet me at the café, like every other day, after they were off from work and the maknaes were done with college. Jaebum helped his dad with business so he was allowed to take leave whenever he wanted, but sometimes his dad would insist he stayed and helped and Jaebum would gladly sit 12 hours straight at the office to help him. I was the only one who was jobless, not that my parents expected me to earn since we were well to do. My dad was of the opinion that I should keep myself busy. My management education was supposed to be put to use but it did not excite me anymore. I wanted to learn music and he never said no to that. I decided to resume my piano lessons because I had dropped out without notice because I was depressed.

“Oh, I thought you would never show,” my instructor was pleased to see me but he did pretend to be pissed. “Sorry hyung, something came up. I am here to resume, unless you want to kick me out?” “Arasso. Who am I to kick out a genius like you?” he chuckled and I was so happy to be back. I played a song that I had in my mind since long and I couldn’t help but think about Jaebum.

_This emptiness would be me,_

_Along the lines of my stoic life,_

_My loneliness would lie with me,_

_This is how tomorrows without you would be,_

_The sun would still be bright and glee,_

_But warmth missing and rays not blinding me,_

_There would be no light to my days,_

_This is how tomorrows without you would be,_

_This is how tomorrows without you would be…_

 

It was almost 6 when I left the class and headed towards the café. It had gotten really cold and I regretted not getting a warmer jacket. But I was in a reasonably good mood so I let the cold shivers not bother me much. I was the first one to reach the café. We frequented it so much that our booth always remained available. I sometimes think that the owner secretly keeps it reserved for us. The smell of coffee and the soft background music is a great combination.

“Hello, where are you? I got here like ten minutes ago, come fast,” I hurriedly spoke to Jackson and he said he was on the way. Jackson’s job was really interesting. He taught Mandarin and English at a school. It was vocational so the number of students varied. Girls were really crazy about him so he ended up getting more students than expected. I felt sad for the girls because uh Jackson was so taken!

“Yah, come on fast before I have to shift to a smaller booth!” Jinyoung muttered apologies but argued that the maknaes had made him wait because Bambam couldn’t decide what jacket to wear. I sighed.

Mark walked in looking all dapper and for a second I was afraid that I had forgotten something important, someone’s birthday or some kind of celebration. He looked good, solidly handsome in his black button down shirt and ripped blue jeans. He had rolled up his sleeves and his milky white hands were adorned by a bracelet and a smartwatch, his blonde locks resting on his forehead beautifully. He turned quite a few heads as he made his way towards the booth.

“Hyung, what’s with you looking so handsome today?” I asked him even before he sat down. “Uhh? I just put on whatever,” he said opening the menu card and we went back to being silent.

“Youngjae-ah, need to ask you something,” he said delicately after a few moments and I shot up to look at him. “What is it hyung?”

“Promise to keep this between us. Please,” he cleared his throat nervously and I could see his palms were sweaty and his eyes were wandering everywhere.

“Promise. You can trust me, you know that. What is it?”

“Err…are you and Jackson…?” my mouth went wide open at the suggestion and I literally wanted to laugh loudly but since I was in a ‘good’ mood I decided to have some fun on my own. Warning lights shone in my head but it was easy to ignore them.

“Me and Jackson what hyung?” I acted as if I didn’t understand his question. His face contorted into something unreadable and I could tell he was going through some inner turmoil at being asked to elaborate his question.

“Ummm…are you two…do you…Jackson and you?” he touched his forehead because it was difficult to put it delicately and I was acting like a dumbass. I wanted to laugh so badly but I kept a straight face. Well, I can be an ass sometimes. Judge all you want! It doesn’t happen every day that I get to have some fun and past few days were too much to handle so I am entitled to have some fun, okay?

“Jackson is…amazing. He is always smiling and making me laugh. I like him,” I smile innocently and look at Mark. His face falls instantly. It’s as if I have said something disastrous and I cannot wait to tell Jackson that Mark is uh so taken! Mark looks at me with puppy eyes and tries to give me a small smile but fails miserably and puts his head down. I instantly feel guilty for being so mean.

“Mark hyung, look at me, yah, look at me,” I nudge his hand but his head is down. I pinch him and he winces.

“Awwww…. that hurt,” Mark finally looks at me and I let out a chuckle. “Hyung, you are so cute. Why are you so cute?” I ask and he blushes. “I am not cute. Have some manners while talking to your hyung,” he whispers.

“Jackson and I are friends. I guess that answers your question. I like him as a truly good friend who makes me laugh and such people are precious unless you have made him feel otherwise,” I smirk. “Stop treating him like shit hyung or I might have to change my mind about him, you understand what I mean, right? Unless you want me to take him away, treat him good,” I pretend to sound serious.

“I heard you say my name, what’s up?” Jackson sits beside me, a little too close than I expected but well, Jackson is Jackson, if he is not extra he is not Jackson. He looks at Mark and I can literally see his pupils dilate and the air knock out of his chest. He gulps nervously as Mark stares at him. Jackson’s gaze is constantly roaming on Mark’s face, from his eyes to his lips, to his chin, again lips.

“Uh! Get a room, you two,” I whisper under my breath, surprisingly Jackson catches it and blushes profusely. Mark doesn’t know what is making Jackson blush so much so he leans in and looks at Jackson carefully, trying hard to meet his eyes again, which are now focused on his shoes. A couple of minutes pass by like this when the two of them are being absolutely adorable and I can’t take it.

**Hyung, you are making him nervous, stop staring.**

I send a message to Mark. He gets his phone out of his pocket, eyes still focused on Jackson. He reads my text and looks at me. He nods, a bright smile appears on his face. Uh both of them are so taken!

The others arrive, making hell lot of noise for sophisticated people to handle and the whole café glances at the noisy bunch making its way to the booth. Jaebum is still not here and I wonder if he has forgotten that we were supposed to meet here.

“Shhh! Can you kids keep it down? God!” Jinyoung hisses at them as he grabs their arms and pushes them into the booth unceremoniously, they scramble and straighten up, hitting Mark’s arm while doing so.

“What’s all the commotion about?”

“Bambam took forever to get ready and he wouldn’t accept that he is acting like a damn diva these days. Yugyeom here is just impossible because he keeps on messing with my hair, God, these kids!” Yugyeom laughs naughtily while Bambam rolls his eyes.

“Yugyeom-ah, done with packing yet?” Mark puts his arm around the maknae and the giant baby moves in closer, cuddling with Mark. “Almost hyung, I wish you could come with me and interpret for me, it would be so simple that way,” he sighs. “It’s okay, just call me if it gets too tough, okay? I have taught you enough for you to survive for a week,” he squeezes Yugyeom’s arm and the boy relaxes.

“Yugyeomi, aren’t you being all cutie cutie today? Come here,” I bend down and pull his cheeks making a kissy pout. Yugyeom is our favourite when it comes to coddling. We love to coddle him, all of us, he is the cutest of us all. He smiles and I feel happy, today I feel really happy.

Jaebum walks in and my heart does somersaults because Mark is not the only one who looks drop dead gorgeous today. Jaebum is wearing a grey pullover and black skin tight pants. His hair is neatly done and he is wearing different piercings today, single diamond studs in each ear with black rings at the back. He stands awkwardly because he doesn’t know where to sit, he usually sits with me but now Jackson is sticking to me and Jinyoung has his head on Jackson’s shoulder while the maknaes are reeling against each other, totally putting their weights on Mark’s shoulder. Jackson understands and he slightly moves away from me, pushes Jinyoung, almost throwing him off the seat. They both get up and let him come sit beside me. The sudden proximity, for the very first time after yesterday makes my heart flutter and reminds of his hands on my waist. I am sure my face is tomato red by now because Mark can’t stop looking at my face. The maknaes are too busy observing Jaebum’s piercings and I am hoping they won’t paying attention to my face. Mark is not the smartest when it comes to picking up things like these so he continues to stare and looks like he is trying to decipher why people sitting on the opposite side suddenly start blushing out of the blue today.

Jaebum looks at me as he settles down beside me, shamelessly staring at my side profile, so much that I cannot move or say anything until he looks elsewhere.

**Is he making you nervous like I was making Jackson nervous?**

I check Mark hyung’s text and look at him. He wiggles his eyebrows and I widen my eyes, quickly shaking my head. The evening is spent talking, drinking coffee, eating cupcakes and putting a list together of sound tracks the café owner could use to entertain the crowd. He bows three times when we give him the list and offers us a 20% discount just because!

The moment we step out, the cold wind sends shivers down my spine. The maknaes move towards Jinyoung’s car and Mark automatically moves towards Jackson’s. Jaebum and I wave to them and start walking towards our home.

The walk on the side walk is like the one I dreamed about today. I am nervous, I am really nervous but I am excited too. Jaebum has his hands in his pocket and his side face does things to my heart that I cannot even describe. How does God make such a perfect jawline? And how does he pair it with a perfectly sharp nose and such delicate lips? This is perfection beyond explanation.

“Jae? Hello? I asked you something,” he waves his hand in front of my face to get my attention. We suddenly stop walking and I blink at him in confusion.

“Err what? Sorry, I spaced out. What did you say?”

“I asked why aren’t you wearing something warmer? You are shivering,” he repeats calmly.

“I didn’t expect it to get this cold. It’s okay, we don’t have a long way to reach home anyway,” I say but he doesn’t appear convinced.

We walk in silence for a while again and I can’t keep my eyes off him. It feels like he put in extra effort to look good today. Normally, he looks good in anything and everything but today seems something different.

“Jae…,” he whispers and I am suddenly brought back to reality. I look ahead and pretend as if I wasn’t staring.

“Hmm?” I tilt my head towards him expecting a response.

“Err…” Jaebum looked very nervous and I wasn’t sure what the reason behind it was but a nervous Jaebum was an extremely cute Jaebum so I was pretty happy to see him like that. “What is it Jaebummie?” it came out way too sweeter than what I had planned and I suddenly felt guilty. He cleared his throat when he heard me and I had an immediate urge to apologize but it would make me look guiltier so I just gulped nervously.

“Come home for dinner tonight? Mom and dad are out of station, I got late today because I was taking care of some things at the office. Would you come?” he asked me without looking at me.

“Ummm…sure. Do you want me to call the others too? Is that why you are nervous?”

“Noo. Let’s not call the others. I am not sure I have enough food,” he says guiltily and I blush at the thought of having dinner with Jaebum, alone in his house. Wow, just the thought has warning lights going off in my brain.

“Err…I wasn’t sure you had forgiven me completely, so I was a bit nervous about that…I am sorry for everything Jae. I…I want to make it up to you,” he says and even in the shivering cold evening, I feel warmth travel to my toes.

“I will freshen up and see you in 45 minutes? I am not upset anymore, you don’t have to be so nervous around me Jaebum. See you,” I wave at him and a new excitement fills in my heart.

I climb the stairs to my room hurriedly and I feel really amazing. Spending time alone with Jaebum for the first time is going to be a quite an experience. Yes, we have spent countless afternoons at the park alone, sat in the patio or the backyard alone but nothing compares to spending an evening alone in his house, without any supervision. It is different, so different that I start to panic a bit. I look at myself in the mirror and I suddenly feel hopelessly ugly. What am I going to wear? Do I even have nice clothes? Casual enough to wear to his house but good enough to make me look presentable?

“Noona…” I yell at the top of my voice and she leaps up the stairs like a monkey.

“What is it? Why are you yelling?” she stands beside me, while I stare at my clothes. “You want me to help you clean this shit?”

“Shit? You are saying I don’t have anything worth at all to wear? Noona…” I whine and she chuckles.

“Do you have a date?” she asks pointedly and I immediately avoid her gaze, she follows me like a hawk. “Aaniyo. Why would you think that?”

“Why did you call me here?”

“What should I wear? I feel really ugly. Nobody can make me feel better like you do noona…” I curl up to her arm and she affectionately ruffles my hair. “Awww baby, noona will make you look like the cute otter that you are. But first you have to tell me where the hell are you going?”

“Jaebum’s place for dinner. Today all of us met at the café and I suddenly realized I don’t have a very good fashion sense while the others were looking so cool noona. I cry! Help me,” I pout and she laughs.

“Arasso, so you want to impress the others this evening huh?” I frantically nod because I somehow know she wont stretch it if she assumes all of us are going to Jaebum’s for dinner. My nod is enough to convince her and she rummages through my wardrobe and pulls out a black Henley shirt and a pair of blue denims. She tops it off with a grey sleeveless hoodie and I suddenly know my sister is so much better when it comes to picking out what to wear than I will ever be.

I thank her by hugging her and she is happy. Just as she is about to leave, she turns and looks at me.

“Youngjae, Jaebum is stupid. You have to spell it out for him. Remember that otter,” she winks and I am flabbergasted that she knows.

“Aish! What are you even talking about? Go away,” I shoo her and she laughs as she descends the stairs.

After a quick hot shower and putting on the clothes that my sister has chosen for me, I make my way to Jaebum’s house. I delicately hold his jacket in my hands and I suddenly feel a strange sense of belonging to that piece of clothing.

Strangely so, the door is unlocked so I walk in. “Jaebum?” no response. I look around the kitchen and the living room but there is no sign of him. “Jaebum?” I yell loudly and wait for a response. “In the shower, will be down in a minute,” I blush at the thought of him being drenched wet, standing under the shower in his naked glory and I police myself to not go any further. I make myself comfortable on the sofa. A couple of minutes later, he descends the stairs, looking bath fresh, slightly wet hair, wearing his favourite cat paw pajama set. I let out a laugh. He stares at me and I have the sudden urge to stop but I cannot.

“What? Why are you laughing?” “Damn! You still have this? God! Grow up, you weirdo!” I laugh looking at him from head to toe. He shrugs and heads towards the kitchen, I follow.

“You forgot your jacket at my place yesterday. I put it on the coffee table,” I say and his eyes suddenly go wide for a fraction of a second but he is back to being normal in the next. I don’t know what is making him behave like this.

He silently heats the food and sets the plates in front of me while I just stare at him shamelessly. He is not looking at me because he is with food. Food and Jaebum’s relationship sometimes makes me jealous. Jaebum gives his undivided attention to food as if it is the most precious thing in his life. I always think it stems from the fact that people don’t expect him to speak when he is eating, so he is really comfortable in his skin when he eats.  

“What are you looking at?” he asks and I am caught red handed ogling his face. “Uhh! Nothing. New piercings?” I look at anywhere but his face. “Yeah! Was bored of the old ones so I changed…” we start eating and silence envelops us again. Jaebum is so beautiful when he eats. He is not messy, he eats savouring every bite. His bites are usually really big, I don’t know why, but they are. His head is bent down as he picks every bite carefully and transfers it into his mouth with the chopsticks. What is beautiful about Jaebum eating? It’s how his lips move when he chews, how his delicate fingers hold the chopsticks, the movement of his Adam’s apple, how he licks his lips after every other bite. It is all too beautiful because he could make the most beautiful host of an eating show. Heck, he could make the most beautiful model for any damn product in this world.

“Are you going to eat at all or just stare at my face? Is something wrong with my face?” he consciously touches his face with his left hand.

_Everything is wrong with your face Jaebum, it is brutal of you to have such a perfect face, it is fatal for me to see you up close being so you! Hajima!_

My heartbeat steadily rises and I try to shift in my spot to find a comfortable position and continue to take small morsels of the food right in front of me. We finish dinner without talking much, as I expected but Jaebum is happy because he is full and that shows on his face.

“Jae, do you believe in serendipity? Do you believe that we are born with a purpose and gravitate to someone that completes us?” his voice is soft and his eyes are closed as if mulling over his own question. His question has me perplexed because it is very unlikely of him to set a platform for a long discussion. This question does call for a long discussion and I had a lot to say about it.

“We are made of parts of the universe Jaebum, some of these parts are similar to someone more than others. What do they call it? Stardust. Same stardust people…it is strange but I do believe some people cross seas or move mountains, or just move an inch and are with the person who completes them in ways hard to describe. I believe it happens every day. Do you?” we are sitting on the sofa, resting our heads in its fluffy cushions and I feel relaxed. It is like my forever tightening heart loosened a bit, ever since yesterday.

“What about the people you meet on the way Jae? What about your journey until you find the other half of you?”

“They leave a part of them with you and make you a better person. Nobody you meet goes away without leaving a ripple in your placid existence, the only difference being the happiness or sadness that ensues. Everyone has a role to play Jaebum. What is wrong? Why are you asking these questions all of a sudden?”

He doesn’t answer and I turn to look at him. His eyes are still closed, his lips slightly parted. He gulps nervously as if he realized something and opens his eyes, slowly turns his head in my direction.

“What is it? You know you can talk to me,” I say softly looking in his eyes. His head falls down and he looks depressed? Why is he depressed? What happened? My brain throws all kinds of worrying questions towards me. I try my best to decipher why his mood is down.

“Jaebummie, are you, perhaps, lonely?” I muster the courage to ask him the question and he winces. That answers my question immediately. Of course he feels lonely. Amy leaving without seeing him must have made him belittle himself and that in turn has got him into a reclusive phase, it cannot be called a phase anymore because Jaebum is naturally reclusive. The situation only worsens when he delves deeper in to reclusion and you have to literally pull him out with all might. It is difficult for me this time, to get him out of it. I don’t feel comfortable telling him that he is not alone, because who am I kidding, I cannot make him feel whole because nobody can replace the person you love. In his eyes, I am just a friend. The loneliness that he feels cannot be taken away by a friend and this powerlessness makes me feel guilty.

“Jaebum, I know whatever happened hurt you deeply but you did everything you could to save it. Don’t blame yourself for anything. Try to move on, we all are here to help you. You don’t have to feel lonely,” I say earnestly. He nods but a bit hesitantly and I take what I get because it is much better than what I expected. His eyes reflect a turmoil in his heart and I am scared it will envelope me if I stay too long and if I am unable to comfort him, I will never be able to forgive myself because even if he did say he didn’t blame me for anything, I still have residual guilt in my heart. For the first time in all these years, I want him to endure this alone because I am too broken to fix him.

“I should go now, you should take rest since you worked all day,” I get up and so does he. I walk towards the door and he is closely behind me. The moment I try to put my hand on the door knob he grabs my wrist tightly. I turn to look at him in surprise. “Jaebum?” he doesn’t respond but his hold on my wrist tightens. I twist my wrist but he doesn’t let go. “What is wrong?” I ask him but he doesn’t respond. He pushes me against the door, my back hurts and I let out a yelp.  

“Why are you doing this?” I ask him as I rub my wrist. He hovers over me and I start panicking. He has me caged against the door and I have no clue why this is even happening. I try to remember what I did or said to make him react like this but I can’t think of anything. He is dangerously close to my face and my heart can’t stop beating loudly.

“Shit Jae, you confuse me. You have to stop it. Stop being like this,” he bangs his palm against the door and the noise startles me. His lips are slightly touching my forehead and his breath is erratic, tears are shining in his eyes and I am so shocked to react to whatever is happening. I raise my hands and place them on his chest to push him away but I am not strong enough to do that. “Move, please. Let me go,” I whisper. He shakes his head and continues to block me. “Are you punishing me?” I try to push him again but he doesn’t relent. “What has gotten into you? Let me go, please,” this time he whines and still shakes his head. “Stop crying and tell me what is wrong. I am really scared right now, please, look at me,” I cup his face and try to make him look at me but his head is down and he won’t look up. “Stay,” is all he manages to say and I hear his voice vibrating with an emotion that I haven’t deciphered yet. To me, this is him asking me to stay because of a foreign feeling that I have never seen him feel. He has never expressed it before so I cannot understand it.

“You want me to stay? That’s it? Why did you have to put me through this for that? I would have stayed if you just asked me to,” I say with a bated breath, my heart going into another round of arrhythmia. His chin rests on my head and his hands grip my arms loosely when I agree to stay. He shifts and his cheek is against my ear. “Sunshine…how?” his grip tightens against my arms and I wince. “What?” “How do you smell like sunshine even in this weather Jae? You confuse me,” he whispers in my ear and a shiver shoots down my spine. His nose is touching my cheek and I am sure I am blushing like a school girl right now. I am too weak to react to his touch in any other way. I want to push him away to escape this situation but I cannot.

He rests his chin on my shoulder, the difference in our height makes him bend down a little to do that. He hugs me as if he is too scared to let go and in that moment I realize he feels so lonely that he is scared to be alone in his house. The man of few words, who is comfortable with not talking for hours, not being social or outgoing is lonely beyond measure and is holding me in his arms because he doesn’t want to break down. Again, I will have to be his rock, steadfast and strong to support him, as the pain finally sets in, so does the loneliness. Only this time I am going to finally lose every part of me to comfort him, and I am not even scared anymore.

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is off the entire rhythm of the story but just like everyday is not same in our lives, it is not same for Youngjae too. Even if it starts differently, it ends with him being enveloped with the same weighing feelings. I am hoping you will still like this story because it is quickly moving towards an end. I am sorry if I have disappointed you in anyway and also forgive my lame attempt at writing a song. I have done so many things differently while writing this story. Thank you for being here and thank you for tolerating my author notes.


	9. The Other Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter from Jaebum's point of view because I think you all deserve to know what the stone man/madman/silent man is thinking. He does think a lot, a lot. He is really sensitive and extra when it comes to Youngjae but that doesn't stop him from being a dumbass. 
> 
> Try not to hate me after this and forgive any discrepancies or mistakes.

Ever since I remember, Youngjae has a warm energy surrounding him, always. The way he smiles, talks and the way he cares for the people around him, it is all too warm and positive. Sometimes I felt really lucky to have found a friend like him, these days I feel lucky every day. There is a constant fight between my mind and my heart. Believe me, I have so many thoughts going around in my mind but I cannot lay them out, I just cannot. It is too difficult to voice my thoughts for me. Why? I don’t know, it just is. May be it is because I was the only child and my parents were workaholics when I was growing up. It wasn’t until I was ten that my mother noticed how reclusive I was and decided to quit her job and stay at home for me. It was too late by then. I had only one friend, Youngjae. I didn’t think I needed any more.

I don’t have many memories of deep conversations or evenings spent laughing or partying with Youngjae. All I have is the strongest feeling of comfort that I have felt being around him since we became friends. Youngjae is the most selfless person I have ever known. He doesn’t hesitate to give his all to the people he cares about. He does it so easily that I am afraid someday he is going to get broken because of it. I am more afraid that I would be of absolutely no help to him when that happens.

In our friendship, I have felt so useless so many times. When Youngjae was not his usual self, I couldn’t cheer him up like he did. He would not laugh or talk and I would wonder what to say to him to get him back to normal. It was a really tedious time for me to see him silent. All I did was sit in a room with him all day and just be there for him. I was always scared that one day he would talk about what was bothering him and I would not be able to help him at all. I was scared of how disappointed he would be then, in me and my friendship. That day never came. Was it because he knows me too well or because he was too strong to deal with his stuff on his own, I will never know. Comforting words or not, I cared for him. I cared for him dearly throughout our friendship.

I remember during our middle school, he was sick and couldn’t even leave the bed for four whole days. I bought him fruits and juice every day, but I could never give them to him in person. I just put them in his fridge and told Auntie about it. I took notes for him at school and I also made sure he took care of himself. I would always ask noona if he had taken his medicines. I felt awkward to go sit with him all day, but I made sure he was recovering. I went and checked on him when he was sleeping because I was too awkward to say the right things to an ill person. It was a hang up in my nature, I wasn’t proud of it but I was of the opinion that I didn’t want to bother people with it. I know my ways are not the best, but really, when I do care about someone, I care for them from the depth of my heart. And Youngjae is one of them and I hope he knows it, the other five morons surprisingly have made it to the list too!

I was and I still am the most difficult person to deal with and Youngjae still is comfortable around me. Does it surprise me? Everyday! I don’t know where he finds the courage and endurance to put up with an ass like me. Yes, I have a good heart but there are millions who have more than a good heart. But Youngjae sticks by me. He is like the wind to my sail, it is just weird to say this but he is always breezy and pleasant, he is always leading me on, never letting me stop.

Puberty wasn’t very kind to me, I was so awkward when my voice changed, my body was huge, with broad shoulders and I looked ganglier no matter what I did. Youngjae, on the other hand, had grown well, subtly reflecting his manly charms. I remember him to be the most pleasant, kind and composed guy who understood the undercurrents of my emotions when even I wasn’t sure of what I was feeling. We weren’t of the type to talk about girls or about the several mundane things you suddenly find interesting when you move towards adulthood. We were the kind who stayed back to read good books, listened to good music on weekends and if at all possible, ate something ridiculously delicious. That was our definition of happiness.

I never gave much to Youngjae, even when he was always telling me how the world works, helping me talk to people when I had no heart to, nurturing my soul in ways that made sure I wasn’t a lost cause. It was all too important. If he hadn’t been in my life, I would have lived like a cave man and social life would not be a part of my existence at all. I guess, I would have been holed up all day in my room reading or playing games, I would have gotten home schooled and would have never seen the light of the day or step out of the comfort of my house. That’s the reason why my parents coddle Youngjae so much. It doesn’t even make me jealous anymore. I won’t be surprised if he is included in my father’s will in the future; that is how much they have grown to love him. Who wouldn’t love the person who makes your son behave like a normal person and not a madman? His presence in my life is like a light that never ceases to die down. It only shines brighter and illuminates my world and I am not afraid of the darkness that’s inside me anymore. I am not afraid of losing myself anymore.  

The same taste in music strengthened our friendship a lot. Yes, it must be weird to know this but music is a reason I am completely bound to Youngjae. Since times we knew our taste in music matched, I have never enjoyed listening to music alone. If I do, I am always thinking about Youngjae and imagining what he would have to say about the beat or the feel of the song. Youngjae is a constant in my life and I would never be able to change that, even if I wanted to.

The first time I saw Amy, I was shocked. I had never felt enticed by a girl before. It was strange and it was new. She wasn’t the petite, blonde beauty or the one with shining skin or a vivacious charm, like how most people picture American girls. She was a simple girl who was always immersed in reading books. I would find her at the public library every time I visited it. She sat in a corner, forgetting the world and getting immersed in the book she read. She was so much like me when it came to the love of books. I did not have the courage to ever approach her but it had already been a month that I noticed her. I was always nervous when she was around, so much that I would just nod or shake my head to the questions Youngjae asked me. He was so sharp even then. He knew it before I could tell him. I was shocked when one day she came up to me and handed me a ‘to-read’ list of books. “I think you will really like them. I see you at the library daily. You should check these books out.” I had nodded and forced a smile out of my stone like face.

The next day I saw her talking to Youngjae and I knew he was the reason that she had talked to me in the first place. Our dates became common. When I wasn’t working with dad at the office, I was with Amy and when I wasn’t with Amy, I was always with Youngjae. It bugged me, I saw less and less of him ever since Amy came into my life. I would always head to his house when I was done spending time with Amy. I had fallen in love with her but I still needed him to keep me sane because I felt overwhelmed with the emotions I was feeling. I needed the comfort that he provided me through his advice, his ways to suggest how I could treat her better and talk to her more. Sometimes, I just needed him in front of my eyes to feel normal and in control. He had that effect on me.

Six months into the relationship, most of which I had survived because of Youngjae constantly telling me what to do, Amy and I had reached an impasse. I was at fault, I know I was. I hadn’t taken the relationship to the next level. Imagine, I wasn’t a man of words, how was I supposed to be the man to take a step and be intimate with her when I couldn’t even say nice things to her on my own? I complimented her when she asked me questions like “Hey, how do I look in this dress?” or “Which colour suits me the best?” but when we were alone and she would put her head on my shoulder, I couldn’t bring myself to caress her cheek or touch her face. She had kissed me and I was so shocked that I almost fainted. The next time she kissed me, I had returned her kiss and it felt beautiful. She was happy but I soon came to know she was expecting more and I wasn’t comfortable just yet. Why? Well, because being intimate with someone for the first time is special and you have to be on the same page to make each other happy. For me, it took more time than a usual boyfriend would take, it was a hang-up in my nature I am not proud of but it stopped me from being an impulsive person.

Just a couple of months ago, I had finally gotten to holding her hand on my own and kissing her without her initiation. Youngjae had always asked me to be honest with her about what I felt so one day when she was in a particularly raunchy mood, I had to stop her midway and tell her how I felt. I told her from the bottom of my heart that I was sorry that I was such a moron, that I was slow, I was stupid. I begged for her to give me more time to feel comfortable with her. I told her I was being honest because Youngjae had asked me to and she just snapped. I had never seen her angry, of course I had seen her upset but that day she was really angry. “Youngjae? Really? Does he know about this?” I shook my head violently. “I didn’t share this with him but he always tells me to be honest with you…I…he says if I don’t speak, I will lose you…so…please…don’t be upset,” I had stammered like an idiot. Her eyes looked like she had had a realization and suddenly tears started flowing through her eyes. I didn’t know what I had done wrong and I was speechless. I was so hopeless that I couldn’t even comfort her when she was crying. “Don’t cry,” was all I could manage. “Are you so oblivious to your feelings Jaebum?” she asked me and I didn’t know what she was talking about. “What?” “You are really hopeless, you know? I was so stupid to take this so far. I did it because I fell for you really hard. The mysteriousness was so appealing in the beginning but now I think I cannot handle it. I am sorry Jaebum,” she broke down. “Amy, what are you saying?” I was flabbergasted by what she was insinuating. I can’t forget what she said to me before she finally broke up with me, leaving me tattered and hopeless.

“Jaebum, you are such a fool. You are so dependent on your best friend. I don’t know how he puts up with you. To keep reading between the lines to just be friends with you, that is hell of a lot for me to understand. I know we are supposed to love each other, but I cannot do the same for you, I cannot do what Youngjae does for you because I would rather spend that time making happy memories with someone else, someone who is easy to figure out. Youngjae must be extraordinary and you are such a fool to not see it.”

When she said this, my first thought was that she sees me and Youngjae have an unhealthy attachment. But I still didn’t understand why she broke up with me because of it. Doesn’t every person have an unhealthy attachment with their best friend? Isn’t it the very reason they are your best friend? I didn’t understand what she meant and Amy wasn’t a petty person. She had a reason for everything she said and did so I had to understand what she really meant. I didn’t have the courage to ask her to evaluate and the pain of her leaving me was so big that I had to take care of it first. I had to go away because I didn’t want to trouble Youngjae with this. He had gotten me in a relationship, he had done more than what I could ask for. I at least wanted to cope with this pain on my own, what kind of a man would I be if I couldn’t do that myself? So I went away to Thailand. To grieve and to find some answer. Being the way I am is not easy. You are always clueless and if someone says something you don’t understand, it physically hurts you to decipher the true meaning behind their words. I went through that pain but I still couldn’t understand what she meant.

Thailand was a different experience. The main reason for me to go to a sociable place to do some social work was because I wanted to distract myself. Perhaps, put myself in a different kind of pain so that I didn’t get entangled in the one I had. It was so hard to live there, to talk to people on my own, not having Youngjae on my side. Three weeks felt like three years because it was impossible to deal with so many people without pissing a few off. I was called arrogant and proud because I had my mouth shut 95% of the times when I was asked questions or discussions were held. It was hurtful because I really liked those people. They had come there for a cause. I respected them for that and I was ashamed of myself because I saw it as an escape. Elephants are beautiful animals, they have raw strength but a tender disposition. They are a paradox, just like me, a paradox that made me think only of Youngjae and how much I needed him to make my life worthwhile. It was the only realization I came back with.  

Youngjae. The question and the answer. What would happen if I wiped him off from my memories? I would never have memories in the first place. The day I got back from Thailand was the day I saw him cry for the first time. It did things to my heart that I couldn’t understand myself. Of course I have seen him cry as a child and once or twice as a teenager. But after we hit adulthood, I never saw him break down even once. As much as I know, he is one of the strongest people in my life. Sometimes, Youngjae towered me with his existence. Even when I was hurting and weak, I couldn’t see him cry. It was a huge let down on my part to make him cry out of my own pain. I hated myself for doing that to him. “Don’t cry,” were the only words I could say but surprisingly they worked on him. I wondered why they didn’t work with Amy. I had made him feel guilty and neglected.

My behaviour had suggested that I didn’t need him anymore, that Amy had left me because of him, that he was the reason I was in pain. I couldn’t imagine all this because of the way I am. I had given him pain even when I was away from him, I really didn’t know how he put up with me. To feel his arms tightly wrapped around my chest was a different feeling. We never did that. We did hug before at some instances but it was a quick arm around arm kind of a hug, never intense. His hug had made my weakness seem worthless, I had gained strength just by his touch, his sniffles had made me realize how much he cared for me and that I had always had someone to fall back on. Youngjae was a pillar, so strong, so robust that I could lean on him without a doubt. Youngjae. An answer to every question, a reason to smile, comfort personified. Youngjae, my own personal drug to survive life.

I stayed away from him even when I realized he was the only one who could make me feel normal after Amy. I did it because I couldn’t forget how I hurt him. I didn’t even tell him I didn’t blame him. Yeah, call me stupid, I am a big moron when it comes to words and saying them. I was out of touch with him for a week because I was recovering and trying to find the right words to comfort him but then one evening I saw him hugging Jackson tightly through his window and the rains made it even worse. I was drenched, not only in rain but in another bout of feelings I was not able to understand. I was pissed all night after that. I didn’t even understand if I was pissed at myself, at him or at Jackson. Sometimes, I feel I am going crazy, sometimes I am sure I already am.

He got upset, he got so upset with me when he met me on the weekend and we were walking home. He said he wanted to end the pain and he was tired, he said he didn’t want to walk by my side anymore. Another insinuation that someone wanted to leave me again, someone as precious as Youngjae. It completely broke me to imagine him not being a part of my life. I was so scared, I really had to say something or he would leave me for good, the comfort would go away with him. More than anything else, the pure happiness that I felt when I was with him would be gone. The smiles, the innocence, the reliability, the trust, the bond, the ability to be comfortable in my skin when I was with him would go away. My existence would be so hollow without him. It would leave me with the only option of putting on a mask and living my life in order to not hurt anyone or be hurt by anyone. It was too dangerous a preposition so I finally told him how much he meant to me.  I felt shamelessly selfish at that moment.

I wanted to feel his warmth that he always seemed to radiate. I wanted to feel his presence, his existence close to me so I pulled him closer. I have to tell you how hard my heart was beating when I touched his waist. It was exhilaratingly beautiful. He smelled like sunshine on a rainy day. The warmth was still there, the intoxicating fragrance of his pure, selfless soul was alluring as I imagined it would be. He could keep me locked in his arms for eternity and I wouldn’t get tired of him. He was so precious to me in that moment that I couldn’t stop tears from flowing. Youngjae. The loving, warm power of the universe that kept me sane and alive. Precious Youngjae. The only person I could not imagine my life without.

When I read his letter, the letter in which he addressed me as _jagiya_ , my heart was overwhelmed with emotion. I wanted to cry, I wanted to laugh and I wanted to shout. My heart was so full of what he had written. I was so surprised that he had fallen in love with a fool like me. How could he? What did I ever give him for his heart to feel that way? I couldn’t manage to understand his reasons and I was too scared to ask him because I had crossed a line by reading his diary. I had betrayed him as a friend by invading his privacy, revealing a secret he was so desperately trying to hide. I had seen the side of him he had hidden inside of him since past eight years. I wanted him to tell me how he felt, I wanted to know everything, how it all happened, and why he hid it all this while. It got me obsessed with him, I wanted to uncover him, see him bare the truth and I wanted to see how I felt after he told me everything. I wanted to spend time with him because I was lonely, because it hurt to think he would leave me. I wanted him in front of my eyes all the time, just to remind myself that he was not going anywhere.

After dinner, he started to leave and I couldn’t hold myself together. I wanted to hold him so badly but I was hesitant. I had never outright gotten physical with him but the way I felt when I hugged him yesterday, I wanted to feel that again. Idiot that I am, I scared him with my actions. When I inhaled his fragrance, pure sunshine, I realized he was all that I needed to feel okay. I didn’t want to feel lonely again. I am hoping he remains with me for the night and I relish the warmth that he radiates and try to find the love that he hides for me inside his heart so that I finally find my answer. I cannot wait to find it, I cannot wait to rest my head in his lap and that is exactly what I am planning to do tonight. Youngjae has to stay with me, just like he has all these years.

* * *

 


	10. Hollow

Jaebum held my hand tightly in his as he led me to the living room. It was all happening too fast. I didn’t know what was going on in his mind and like always I was compelled to put all my strength in figuring it out. The mood was still a bit heavy but I am honestly tired of how we always end up tensed when we are with each other. I want him to relax and even when I know I will have to work a lot for it, I decide to give in. It’s for Jaebum after all.

“I need to call home and tell them that I will be late,” I take my phone out of my pocket and dial my home number. He snatches it out of my hands. “Noona, it’s me. Youngjae is staying here tonight to keep me company. Hope that’s okay?” he waits for a response. “Ahh! No noona, jeez! What are you even talking about?” he chuckles and it’s as if I am in some parallel universe right now. What is my sister talking to him about and how the hell is Jaebum even talking and laughing with her right now? God! Did she tell him something about my feelings? Fuck! I snatch the phone back. “Noona? What are you laughing about?” She tells me that she asked Jaebum if he is afraid of ghosts and being alone and if that’s why he wants me to stay over. That makes me chuckle too. “He is a dumbass. It will take him a lifetime to identify a ghost and to even let out a scream. He is anti-social with humans, imagine how it is going to be with the ghosts!” I can’t hold myself back and he glares at me.  “Okay tell mom about me staying here,” I hang up and look at Jaebum. I have spent quite a few nights with Jaebum but always when his parents were home. This is the first time that it is just the two of us. Even when there is no need for me to be nervous, I am overcome with some nervousness. I decide to give my best shot at pretending I am not.

“So Mr Lonesome, what do you want to do?” I casually ask him and sink into the soft sofa. “You tell me, you are the smart one and I am a dumbass,” he pouts and I giggle. “Awww! Jaebummie is pouting, aww aww!” I coo and he whines. “Yah! Stop it,” he sits beside me. I can’t help but stare at his side face, it always appears too perfect to be true.

“Jaebum, you know I am here for you, right? If you have anything to share, you can. I want you to go back to being normal. I can’t see you depressed, okay?” I blurt because I genuinely want him to come out of the break up as soon as possible. I want him to smile more and be happy. I hope for a lot these days, may be God is mad about how greedy I am.

“I know. You know how it gets when emotions are involved,” he clears his throat and I know he is trying his best to talk more about how he feels. “Jae, I have always wanted to ask you something,” he looks anywhere but at me. “What?” I am a bit startled that he wants to question me about something. He practically knows everything about me, save the fact that I love him.

“How is it that you haven’t dated anybody until today?” he looks right into my eyes and I am left breathless. How can I lie to this person? What am I supposed to say to him? My face must show the discomfort I am feeling due to the question so he sighs. “It’s okay if you don’t want to answer. I was just curious,” he shakes his head.

“Umm…well. I never found a girl who I thought was perfect for me.” It wasn’t a lie. I had girls as friends but never did one of them make me want to forget Jaebum and chase after them. There were too many complications involved. I never felt enticed by a girl, or a boy for that matter to leave Jaebum behind. May be love is blind, you don’t see anybody else but only the one you love.

“Oh. We never talked about girls or relationships except for the advice you gave me about Amy. So, I thought to ask you about it, sorry,” he sounded genuinely sorry about bringing it up but I cannot miss the shine in his eyes.

“Would you like to have some ice-cream?” he gets up from the sofa even before I answer. “Okay,” I see him move towards the kitchen and I follow him. He opens the fridge and I see some beer stocked up at the back. “Hey, hand me a beer instead. You can have that ice-cream,” I say and he turns to me, surprised. “You want a drink? Since when?” he inquires. We don’t drink much, a cocktail at the club at the weekend or a beer once in a while, that’s it. When there is absolutely no reason to drink, we don’t. But this night seems to make me want to drink. The total apprehension of what Jaebum is going to share with me makes me want to do something different. “Since right now. Don’t ask more questions, just hand me a beer,” I whine and he does as he is told. He takes one for himself. “Yah, you don’t have to drink with me. You can have ice-cream,” I scold him. “Hey, just one beer is not going to do anything, you know that,” he shrugs.

We head back to the living room and he goes to lock the door properly and looks out the window. He walks to the backyard door and locks it well. “Paranoid much?” I chuckle as I take a gulp of the beer. “No. Precautions,” he sits beside me and we drink our beer in silence. One beer doesn’t do anything, but the thought that I am drinking something that will help me endure and also in turn make me drop a few walls that I have built around my heart makes me relax. Sometimes, it is okay to let go. I see the same look on Jaebum’s face.

“You know, more than once I have thought to get you drunk and see if you still remain inexpressive. I am always wondering if alcohol can get you to talk,” I chuckle. “Jae, when the problem is not physical, how do you expect alcohol to have an effect?” “True that,” I gulp more of the beer. “I did get drunk once,” he confesses. “Well, I laughed a lot and sang on the top my voice. My dad can be too much sometimes,” he laughs and I want to keep on hearing his laughter again and again. I close my eyes and replay the sound in my mind. It has been a while since I have heard him laugh and I already feel high because he is slowly inching towards feeling normal. “Are you okay?” he asks me and I get back to reality, a reality in which I get to listen to his laugh only once in a while. I feel dejected. “Yeah,” I nod and take a big gulp of the remaining beer.

The big clock in the living room is ticking and it is almost 11. My phone rings and its Jackson. He never calls at this hour so my first instinct is that something is wrong. Jaebum curiously looks at the phone in my hand and shifts in his spot uncomfortably.

“Hey Jackson, you alright?” I don’t even say hello. It happens to me all the time. If I get worried I just forget normal etiquette. He chuckles on the other end of the line. “Yes mom,” he laughs some more and I click my tongue. “What’s up?” Jaebum hasn’t moved an inch, not taken a sip of his beer and his ears are totally focused on our conversation.

“I am standing outside your house Youngjae-ah, come out?” “What? Oh my God. I am at Jaebum’s place. Wait, I will be right out. Walk towards his house, will you?” I get up and signal Jaebum to open the door and he slowly gets up. I disconnect the call and hurriedly get out of the gate. Jaebum doesn’t follow me, he stands at the door, leaning on the frame. Jackson hurries towards me, rubbing his palms together. The chill in the wind makes me shiver as well and I wrap my arms around myself.

“Everything okay?” I ask him worriedly. He giggles. “Youngjae-ah, Youngjae-ah,” he giggles some more and he pulls me by my arms, making me go round and round. He then hugs me tightly, I instantly hug him back. While we are still hugging, I finally decide to talk, “Someone looks awfully happy. Care to explain?” he hugs me tighter and a whimper leaves him. “Mark…” quick whimpers escape his mouth. “Okay, you were just giggling and now you are crying. Can you please stop being so Jackson and act normal for a second?” I punch his back and he lets out a mix of what seems like a chuckle and a half-sob. “Youngjae-ah, Mark likes me back,” he says and hugs me even tighter, as if that is even possible. Before I know it, tears pool into my own eyes. “He does? Oh my God, I am so happy for you,” we both sob into each other’s shoulders, not knowing how to feel. To be able to get something you have pined for since long, to be able to be on the same page with someone you like, to be able to experience pure bliss because of someone! What a wonderful moment it must have been when Jackson got to know how Mark felt about him! “After all this time, after knowing him for five years, after all the pain Youngjae-ah,” he nuzzles into my shoulder and I pat his head. “It’s all over, now it is time to be happy Jackson. You have to tell me everything but not now. I am dying with cold here. Let’s meet for coffee tomorrow? Just you and me?” I look at him and smile. Jaebum walks down the stairs and is at the gate just when I ask him about the coffee. “Sure thing. Uh Jaebum, good job on getting this one drunk,” he chuckles and Jaebum just nods. “Yah, just had one beer. I am not drunk,” I quickly wipe my face and so does he. “Ok then, goodnight. Sorry for interrupting your slumber party,” he waves and starts running towards the car. “Yah, be careful. You know what I mean,” he turns back and does a shocked expression mockingly.

“Get inside, you are freezing,” Jaebum says without even looking at me. He turns back and heads to the door really fast and I am not sure what just happened. “Hey, are you okay?” I talk after I lock the front door and follow him. “Why wouldn’t I be?” he snaps and turns around. “Uh! You are acting weird. We were just fine a while ago Jaebum. What is with such mood changes?” I am hell lot confused because Jaebum has these frequently these days, much like a pregnant woman. “Jae, what is it with you and Jackson these days?” he blurts and stands stunned by his own question and I am shocked too.

“You wouldn’t understand,” I retort and I see a frown forming on his forehead. “Is he after you?” Jaebum asks in a small voice and I want to laugh. What is it with boys suggesting I am dating Jackson these days? First Mark and now Jaebum. “Yah! What are you talking about? We are good friends, and he…” I can’t get to complete my sentence because Jaebum grabs my arms tightly, squeezing like his life depends on it. I let out a yelp. “Hey, you are hurting me, stop hurting me like this,” I push him away but it doesn’t work because he continues to hold me tightly. “He what? Hugs you whenever he wants and calls you in the middle of the night?” he asks coldly. “Jaebummie,” I laugh loudly, my laughter reverberating through the room. “You sound like a jealous boyfriend right now,” the moment I say that, he lets go of me. Years with Jaebum, I know how to get him to do exactly what I want. He looks shocked because of my words and I want to really laugh.

“Except that I am not anybody’s boyfriend right now,” he slumps on the sofa dejected and I suddenly feel guilty. “Oh no! Don’t go there again. People end relationships if they don’t work out. Don’t beat yourself about it,” I put my hand on his shoulder. “Easy for you to say Jae. She left without even seeing me, how could she? The worst part is, I don’t even feel bad anymore,” he confesses but at the same time I see a gloom in his eyes. “What do you mean?” I move closer and grab his shoulder tightly. “I was hurt that she thought I didn’t even deserve a proper goodbye. But now, she is gone and I don’t know how I feel about everything. The pain magically disappears and reappears again. I am not sure this is normal,” he clutches his thighs as if in distress. “Listen, that’s because according to you, you two didn’t have a proper closure. It’s the feeling of incompleteness that is bothering you. If she would have bid you goodbye, maybe this wouldn’t have happened,” the memory of Amy going away without seeing him makes me feel bad too. The whole thing about Amy makes me feel horrible and I gulp nervously. I inch away from him a bit because I suddenly feel uncomfortable, as if I am doing something wrong sitting so close to him when he is sad about Amy. I don’t feel comfortable in that moment.

“I need to take a shower. Can you lend me something to wear?” I get up abruptly and he shoots his head up, surprised. “Uhh, okay. Pick whatever you like from the wardrobe. I will do the dishes till you are done,” he gets up and I head towards his room upstairs. I close the door of his room and rest on against the door. Tears pool into my eyes because on any other day, spending a night alone with Jaebum should have excited me to no end. But today, he is broken because he was in love with someone who was not me. The feeling hurts, it hurts so much. Why was it me? Why was I the one going through this? It got me thinking about Jackson and I suddenly felt so jealous of him. He was out there somewhere, having his moment with Mark and I was here locked in Jaebum’s room, crying over something that never happened. I was at fault, I never dared to take a chance with Jaebum, and I regretted not risking everything to get what I wanted. I was such a coward, such a pathetic coward. I pulled my own hair in frustration.

The physical repercussions of a mental breakdown had already started to show and it scared me to no end. I quickly walked towards Jaebum’s wardrobe and opened it. I literally dove into his clothes because they were his, his shirts, his pants, jackets, t-shirts, shorts and everything he wore. I picked out a white t-shirt and black sweats and smelled them. They smelled of Jaebum, so much that I felt like I was hugging him. Even the smell of the detergent didn’t keep me from identifying his fragrance. Or was it my mind playing with me? I cried into the t-shirt because I couldn’t hold it in me anymore. After a few minutes I felt a bit relieved and I walked to the shower. I had to keep myself together because if I didn’t I would create a mess which would get hard to take care of later.

The hot water hit my body and I relaxed, my tension and stress seemed to ease a bit. Jaebum’s shower gel made me smell like him, constantly reminding me of how he smelled. It was intoxicating and I had to accept that it was doing something to my body I was not proud of in that moment. I hurriedly got out of the shower and wrapped myself in his towel. I walked out and wore his clothes, feeling oddly warm and fuzzy. I borrowed a hoodie from his wardrobe and headed downstairs, feeling like Jaebum was on my skin, making me feel a sense of belonging I hadn’t experienced in long.

I heard a hushed voice and silent sobs. I walked closer and saw his sitting at the table, talking on the phone. I stood fixed in my spot.

“Ww..hen?” he asked, stuttering and tears flowing down his eyes. “Do you even have to ask that?” he continued to sob. “I will be waiting. Please don’t say that,” he was full blown crying now. “I…yes, I…want to, once, please,” he pleaded and I was completely lost. I didn’t know what was happening. “Once, only once. Please Amy…” and that is when I understood that he was talking to Amy. The tears in his eyes were testament of his love for Amy. I didn’t even have to question their conversation.

My knees felt a bit weak and my head started throbbing. I didn’t know why, I felt hopeless and hollow. Just when everything was going to back to normal, this happened. If she leaves him again, how am I going to take care of him? I don’t understand what she is planning because she told me she understood my feelings for him and was hoping he understood his. And now they were talking like star crossed lovers, pining for each other due to the distance. I didn’t want to ask him what was going on because I suddenly felt like an intruder in his life. I didn’t want to be involved in his love life any more than I already was and I just wanted some mental peace now. If talking to Amy after all this time led him to being sad once again, I don’t know if I had it in me to get him out of the pain. Even if I spent every ounce of my emotional strength to make him happy, I wasn’t sure I would be successful. I felt spent and exhausted. I wanted to teleport to a different world where I was just his best friend. I wanted to undo my love for him and from what I knew, no matter how much I tried, I would never be able to do that, because I loved him too much. Something inside me snapped.

I ran to the main door, opened it and left without saying a word. I could hear Jaebum yell my name as I ran to my house in the middle of the night, it was all I remembered as I fainted on my stairs, hoping to never wake up again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, okay? :'( I don't know why I put him in so much pain but it just feels like the whole universe is against him. Don't hate me for this. He is being so presumptious but I don't blame him for thinking of the worst possibility because he never gets happiness easily. Even in his moment of distress he is thinking about how he is going to help Jaebum if he ever gets sad again. My sunshine is so precious :'( I repeat, do not hate me for this.
> 
> P.S- This will end soon.
> 
> xoxo


	11. An Iridescent Day

The wind felt cold and heavy, I wanted to curl my toes. The night somehow felt blue and the leaves ruffled on the trees as the wind caressed them ever so slowly. The moon was playing hide and seek with the clouds and there was an eerie silence that engulfed me. Why was I here? The lake in front of me looked deep and pensive, as if contemplating why my reflection was so meek in its dark waters. The winds created ripples in the lake, as if aiming to disturb it but at the same time being gentle enough to make their presence felt. I looked around but there was no one but me in this place I had never visited before. I walked around the lake trying to figure out how I had got here but I couldn’t remember anything. I could hear some rustling behind me and I suddenly turned around. I could see someone approaching me but it wasn’t clear who it was. The clouds were shifting really fast and the moonlight appeared and disappeared as if a mirage. “Who is it?” I managed to say out loud. But I didn’t get a response so I started to move towards the source of the noise. I walked a few steps until I saw two people standing in front of each other.

I walked closer and I could recognize the couple immediately. Jaebum and Amy. My heart started to sink because I didn’t want to be here anymore. I didn’t want to be a disturbing presence in between them. I started to take a step back. Amy had her lips on Jaebum’s but he wasn’t responding. She clung to him, her arms around his neck but he was still. He looked right at me and his eyes widened. He raised his arm towards me as if he wanted to catch me. His fingers moved desperately in my direction. He shifted, displacing Amy’s hands from his neck, her lips no longer on his. “Jae,” he yelled but I didn’t stop. “Jae please Jae, wait,” I heard his voice cracking but I still kept retreating, tears streaming down my face. He took quick steps towards me but I was faster and before I knew it I was at the edge of the lake. One more step and I would fall right into it. “No, please, no, don’t leave me. If you leave me, I will be lost. I will be nothing without you. I need you, I need you so much in my life,” he says as he carefully takes a step towards me. “Liar. Selfish liar. You kissed her and you want her but you pretend to need me. You always hurt me, you hurt me so much. I can’t take it anymore,” I clutch my chest as I cry my heart out.

“Jae…why does it hurt you so much? Tell me…” he looks right into my eyes and I feel my throat go dry and my heart beats menacingly fast. “Because…Jaebummie…I…” I stretch my hand towards him, longing to hold him one last time before I fall but I lose my balance and the next thing I know I am swallowed by cold water, slowly edging to the bottom of the very deep lake. I can still hear him call my name and his breaking voice going distant. “Because I fell for you, so deep,” I mumble under the water and close my eyes, embracing the depths without remorse.

**

My senses were coming back and I could smell the eerie hospital smell and hear people pass me by. I could hear the beeping of the machines to my left, nurses whispering and curtains being pulled. I had no courage to open my eyes because I had broken a sweat. I felt wet somehow and I shivered as the memory of the dream rushed back to me. I could still feel the cold water and taste it in my mouth somehow. I tried to shake off the feeling but it wouldn’t go and my heart started to go into overdrive and the beeping sound the machine was making started to pick up speed. I could hear the nurses yell and someone rush to me and before I could realize who it was, I fell asleep, my mind going silent instantly.

“Is he going to be alright?” noona kept asking the doctor again and again. “Yes. He has a very low blood pressure. Has he not been eating well or did he go through some emotional distress?” “Not that I know of doctor, he was alright this evening. He doesn’t have bad eating habits. When will he regain consciousness?” “Soon. All his tests are normal. He will be okay soon, please don’t worry,” the doctor assures her and she relays the same to my mother who is sitting right beside me. My father is on the other side of the bed and my sister is standing near my mother, looking at me worriedly. “I will be right back,” she says and hurries out.

Jaebum is sitting outside on the bench because he is too awkward to come in. He doesn’t know what to say or do so he chooses to sit outside. He gets up the moment he sees noona.

“Jaebum-ah, he is alright. Don’t worry. Doctor says this is because of emotional distress. Did something happen at your house to upset him to this end?” her tone is a bit curt than usual and Jaebum’s mouth goes dry at the question. Actually he doesn’t know what the hell happened himself. One minute he was talking on the phone and the other I was running out of his house like a maniac. “I don’t know noona. He just ran out without saying anything. I, myself am confused. When will he wake up?” “I guess, really soon. His tests are normal. Doctor said we could take him home once he wakes up. Where are the others?”

“Others? I don’t understand. You want me to call them?” his question throws noona when she realizes we both were alone at Jaebum’s place. She frowns. “You should go home, I will call you when we get him home. Okay? Go get some rest,” she waves even before he gets the chance to say something.

I regained consciousness sometime in the noon and I felt a lingering headache. But it wasn’t strong enough to make me stay in the hospital. I started whining the minute I woke up and tugged at my sister’s sleeve to take me home. My parents were not too eager to take me home just yet but my sister can be very persuasive when she wants to be. I am so glad to have her at my disposal at times like these. Back in the comfort of my home, I feel so much better already, as if nothing had happened.

“You should not see Jaebum for a while. I don’t know what happened when you two were alone at his house but I am making sure you don’t faint again,” noona is one of her ever protective moods and her expression is cold, disposition persistent.

“How did you know we were alone? He didn’t do anything noona, seriously he didn’t. It’s not his fault you know, he doesn’t know how I feel. I heard him talking to Amy on the phone, I guess they are going to make up or something. It just got me back to square one, you know. I feel so pathetic,” I don’t hide how I feel because I need to vent and who better than your sister who knows you way too well.

“He kinda told me it was just the two of you. Otter, you are too kind for your own good. And that girl should make up her mind already. I am not going to interfere in your matters but you will have to listen to me. Concentrate on getting better. Jaebum and everything related can wait. You need to get out of this since it has started to hurt you physically. Listen to me, please,” she puts her arm around me and strokes my hair and I almost purr because who am I kidding, I need attention and love. “Arasso noona, I won’t see him for a couple of days. I will just tell him I am fine, okay? I don’t want him to freak out. These days, he has started freaking out a lot. I suddenly remembered the times we were going to move away, he totally freaked out and threw things around. I don’t want him to go on a rampage when his parents are away. I will just talk to him on the phone, okay? Please say yes,” I hold her hand and she sighs. “So stubborn. Okay. I don’t know why he is so stupid. I could tell you fell for him ever since you started writing diaries after diaries. Oh stop! I didn’t read anything, don’t look at me like that! I just found so many of them stalked in the trunk under your bed one day that I knew it had something to do with your emotions. You soft ball of fur,” she cuddles with me and I feel like I am back to being a five year old when she would make me sit on her lap and kiss me on the cheek. “Ughh! Stop it. I am not a kid anymore, go get me something to eat. I am starving, go,” I push her off the bed and she leaves.

I check my phone and I have a dozen missed calls. I call Jackson because I know he must be freaking out the most. “Jackson? Whoa! Hold up, stop yelling, I have a headache, stop,” the minute he answers my phone he is yelling and complaining about how irresponsible I am and how I should just throw my phone away because it is practically useless when I don’t answer it! Jackson! “Where the fuck have you been?” “Hospital.” “The fuck? Did you hit someone or did someone run you over?” “I fainted. Just after you left yesterday night.” “I am coming over. Stay put. Bye,” “Hello?” he hangs up even before I can say no.

**Jackson: All of us coming over in an hour.**

**Me: Do not call Jaebum. Please.**

**Jackson: Okay. See you.**

My finger hovers over the call button on Jaebum’s contact. I am in a dilemma about what I am going to say to him. I know I need to call him because stupid or not, he must be freaking out. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and think about a field of blooming sunflowers. It calms me down and I call him. He answers instantly. “Hello? Jae?” “Yeah. I just called to tell you I am doing okay. I got back home a couple of hours ago,” I feel a weird tension in my body and I bite on my lip. “Can I come see you? I bought juice and fruits for you,” he asks slowly and my heart breaks a little at how eager he sounds. “I will call you when I feel all better and may be then we can meet? Why don’t you leave the fruits and juice with mom? I will finish them,” I say, trying really hard to sound pleasant. “Oh. Alright. I hope you get well soon,” “Thank you, okay then…” “Umm…Jae?” “Yeah?” “What was yesterday night all about? Did I do or say something wrong to you?” his voice breaks a little as if he is reminded of something very bad. “Aani. It’s nothing. Don’t worry. I will talk to you later, okay? Take care. Auntie will be back today evening, right?” “Yes. Okay then, bye Jae. Please take care,” I hang up and let out a breath that I didn’t know I was holding.

I get up and walk to the window. I glance at Jaebum’s house and something warm creeps into my heart. I want to see him and just end this whole cycle of pain. I want to be able to see him as the caring friend that he is and stop my heart from being so vulnerable around him. It is so weird because people man up to confess their feelings and deal with consequences and here I am, I am going to man up to let go of him because he still has feelings for Amy. I blame myself for seeing a glimmer of hope after he got out of the breakup but who was I kidding, he never saw me that way so how was I even supposed to be with him?

I take a shower and I feel so much better already. My sister stuffs me with fruit, which I assume has come from Jaebum but I don’t dare ask. Jackson and the others come exactly in an hour and my room is again crowded. I hate that Yugyeom is not there, I miss him so much. His smile is a magic cure for a mood slump and his hugs are the best.

“I know, you are missing Yugyeom, stop staring into nothingness. Here, I will hug you and cuddle with you,” Bambam walks to my bed and puts his arm around me. He is warm and smiling than rather being sassy and sarcastic so I enjoy it while I can. “Stop creating such a mess hyung, what is wrong with you?” he asks me in voice laced with honey. I cuddle into him and hold onto him like a little child. “This feels great,” I whisper and he chuckles.

“Yah! We are here too!” Jinyoung slaps my ankle and I open my eyes, smiling sheepishly. “Are you going to tell us what happened or we will have to go find Jaebum and ask him?” “Haha, as if he is going to answer!” Bambam is back with a retort and I sigh. “I am doing just fine. Doctor said I had a low blood pressure or something. Nothing to worry about now,” I look at Jinyoung straight in the eye in the hope that he won’t pester me further. “Youngjae-ah, why do I feel that you are hiding something from us?” _oh shit!_ “I am not! Are you here to comfort me or give me a headache?” I whine. That does it, he moves closer and holds my hand, rubbing circles with his thumb.

“You are awfully quiet,” he looks at Jackson and I too suddenly notice how quiet he is. “Did Mark finally manage to contaminate you?” he winks and lets out a loud laugh. “Yah! Jinyoung-ah, what the hell!” Jackson blushes profusely and turns away. Mark smiles innocently, standing in a corner with his arms crossed over his chest, looking at Jackson from the corner of his eye. I want to out them so badly but I can’t betray Jackson like that.

“Ugh! Hyungs have no decency! Jackson hyung, with the way you are blushing there’s hardly anything left to the imagination so you better tell us what’s with you and Mark hyung, the quiet one, over there,” Bambam points at both of them and I am wide-eyed. Jinyoung is smirking and I suddenly want to laugh and forget all my worries.

“Are we here to check on Youngjae or for an interrogation Bam-ah?” Mark speaks out and Bambam pouts. “We can do both, cant we Youngjae hyung?” he looks at me for support and I nod eagerly. I turn to look at Mark and see him rolling his eyes.

“Fine,” his words make Jackson turn around and look at him with surprise. “Mark…” he says with his eyes wide. But Mark clears his throat ignoring Jackson’s apprehension. “So…” he scratches the back of his neck nervously. “Ummm…well…Jackson and I are sort of…ok how do I put it…?” he looks at Jackson as if that is going to help with words. “Jackson and I are more than friends?” he looks at Jackson to confirm he hasn’t made a blunder but Jackson smiles.

“Oh my God! That we know since ages. Did you kiss? Did you do it yet?” Bambam looks at Mark and Jinyoung hits Bambam in the head but laughs and I join in. “Didn’t you just talk about decency and now you are asking such questions?” Jackson tries to press his throat and Bambam yells. “So..sor..sorry…aww…Mark hyung stop your boyfriend…” that makes Jackson instantly let go and his cheeks are painted pink. “Awww…so cute…soo sooo cute Jackson-ah,” Jinyoung mocks him and Jackson hides behind Mark. “So much love in the air, I tell you,” Jinyoung shakes his head, amused. “Are you feeling better after this? I bet you are,” he rubs my shoulder affectionately and smirks. “I can’t deny that I am,” I smile wide.

The guys leave after they are sure I am okay. I don’t know their standards of determining that but from the looks of it, my hearty laugh should be it. Jackson lingers even after they leave and I know what he has on his mind. “Otter…umm…did something happen? You know you can share with me and I will keep it to myself,” he looks concerned and it makes me let go of my restraints. “Jaebum…umm…I guess he is getting back together with Amy…” it’s like one minute I am laughing heartily and the other I cant see clearly because my eyes are brimming with tears. “Oh my God, is that why you…?” he grabs my shoulder lightly and shakes me a bit. “Do you want me to beat some sense into him? It is affecting you to this end, this is toxic Youngjae-ah. I am sorry but it just is…just tell him everything. Just do it. How is he going to have a long distance relationship with Amy when it was difficult while she was here? I don’t understand why is she even getting back together with him? Do you want me to talk to her?” “No, please no. We cant get involved with their relationship and he doesn’t think of me that way Jackson. What is the use of telling him my feelings and disturbing our friendship? If he wants to get back with her, who am I to stop him?”

“So are you going to be a coward for the rest of your life? When you have feelings like these, you have to take responsibility and not sit around moping forever. Look, I know the stakes are high but you have to do something, right? He is a dumbass, he might not even know that he actually loves you and not Amy. You have to help with that. You should talk to him, it will be stupid if you don’t. It’s now or never otter,” he hugs me and I want to remain like that so that all my problems just melt away. I am so greedy and helpless these days.

“Okay, I will talk to him. I guess, you are right. I will lose myself if I keep it all bottled up like this,” I rest my forehead on his shoulder and he pats my back affectionately. “That’s like my boy,” he smiles. “I am gonna let you rest now. Call me if you need anything, okay?” he turns to leave but I call on him. “How does it feel? Is it anything like you hoped?” “It is like a beautiful dream you never want to come out of,” he smiles a very different smile and I know his eyes reflect the bliss that he feels.

I decide to walk him out and I know it is only Mark that is waiting for him in the car. It is a little past 5 and it is already getting dark and cold. I see them off until I see Jaebum walking towards my house. I don’t even have enough time to rush back inside. He walks towards me and yanks my wrist, dragging me towards his house. “What are you doing? Let me go,” he keeps on dragging me while I shout, my yells falling on deaf ears. He pushes me inside his living room and latches the door. He makes me sit on the couch. “Hello auntie, it’s me Jaebum, Youngjae is at my place. I will leave him back soon, so don’t worry, okay? I am gonna make him eat fruits, yeah yeah,” he hangs up.

“What is this Jaebum? Why did you bring me here?” I get up and look at him, confusion plastered all over my face. His face twitches angrily and I want to desperately know what is wrong with him so I go stand right in front of his face. “You meet the others and say no to meet me?” he asks me coldly, his face so devoid of emotion that a shiver runs down my spine. “Jackson brought them all, he didn’t give me a chance to say no. I didn’t invite them, okay?” something inside me snaps because I am not sure I feel alright being with him alone, in the same room where he was probably making up with Amy, just yesterday night.

“Why didn’t you want to see me? I waited to see you at the hospital but noona sent me home,” he clutches his own hair in frustration. “I couldn’t work all day. You wouldn’t even see me after you got back from the hospital. Why?” he starts kicking the table and splaying the newspapers around and I start to panic. “Please don’t do this, I can’t handle this right now,” I whisper because I already feel my head buzzing a bit.  He stops immediately and makes me sit down. He is on his knees on the carpet and puts his arms on my knees and rests his head on them. Then he grabs both my hands and rests his forehead on my knuckles. “Jaebummie…I am right here, see? I am not leaving you,” I free my hands and rest them on his shoulders and he nestles on my lap.

“Jae…?” “Hmm?” He looks into my eyes and his eyes are shining with tears. “What…?” I find my own voice losing its strength as I see him like this. “It’s not what you think… Amy and I…it’s not what you think,” he again rests his head in my lap. “Why are you crying?” I run my fingers through his hair hesitantly because I haven’t done it before. I feel so much warmth in my heart that I feel it oozing out of my fingertips, my heart surging with so many emotions because his clarification couldn’t have come at a worst time. “I am the cause of your pain…it is always me who gives you pain somehow,” he coughs and his tears wet my pyjamas pretty fast. “Hey, look at me, what are you saying?” I lift his head and make him look at me. “Stop this Jaebummie, I am okay and right in front of you. You don’t have to hurt yourself like this, I am perfectly okay. I really am,” I wipe his tears and cup his face. “I will feel worse if you cry, so please…” I rub my thumbs under his eyes and give him a small smile. He buries his head in my lap again and holds onto me tightly.

Minutes pass by and the clock ticks, we stay just like that. His arms are around my waist, as if he is scared I would run away. He is such a child when he wants to be. I nudge him because it is getting really late and my stomach is growling with hunger. “Move, god, so heavy,” I shake him but he doesn’t relent. “What is this? Coming up with new things every time we see each other these days. Using your physical strength on me over and over again. Are you a bully?” I chuckle. “Move your ass, come on, get up,” I grab his tshirt in my fists and try to move him but I don’t have the strength to do that. His grip around my waist tightens and I stiffen. He grabs my shirt in his fists and I can feel his fingers on my back. “You…move Jaebummie,” I stutter because of the sensation I feel throughout my body. His fingers move, slowly, and they are under my shirt, touching me right where my spine ends. I stiffen even more and my breath hitches. His fingers move on my back like on a piano, playing music for my soul. With magic on their tips, they gently feel my skin over and over again until he panics and pulls away. He looks at me with wide eyes and moves away from me. Panic sets into me too and I get up with what little energy left in me. I rush to the door but he follows. He grabs my wrist and turns me around before I can even make it to the door. I look at him in horror and take steps back, my wrist still in his grip. He moves with me until my back touches the door.

“What…are…you…doing?” he lets go of me when I ask. “You are scaring me Jaebum,” I don’t even know when I start shivering, my heart threatening to jump out of my chest. He takes slow steps towards me and snakes his arms under mine. He almost lifts me into a hug. I hold onto his shoulders for support because I am practically a few inches above ground, not understanding what really is happening. He nuzzles into my neck and his hot breath makes all the hair on my body stand on end. He presses me against himself even harder. “I want to hug you more these days,” he growls against my neck. “Is…iss this normal?” he asks as he puts me down and let’s go of me. He looks at me, confusion and fear apparent. He still has his hands on my shoulder, placed lightly.

“I…don’t know,” I gulp nervously. “I should go now. Auntie and Uncle will be back soon. You should get them food,” I don’t what I am saying but I am very sure I don’t want to remain in front of him while he is so close. He nods slowly and I leave. I walk out slowly but I am dazed. I suddenly remember what Jackson said. He was so right about everything. If I don’t risk it, I am never going to get out of this vicious cycle of pain and since Jaebum clarified that he and Amy weren’t getting back together maybe I should take a shot at telling Jaebum the truth. I linger on the way that leads home. I get out my phone and call Jackson. He answers immediately.

“Hey, you alright?” he asks without even saying hello. “Yes. God! Its not like I came out of a death scare or something. Stop being so worried, jeez,” I scold. “Says the man who fainted on the stairs in the middle of the night,” he says condescendingly. “Okay listen. I am telling him. I just wanted to let you know I am. In case something bad happens, I hope it doesn’t but I am just being safe,” I say really fast. Silence. “Are you sure?” “Yes. He told me there was nothing in between Amy and him anymore. I didn’t press him for the details because it just felt wrong,” I confess and he lets out a sigh. “All the best. Don’t hide anything. Tell him everything. Talk to him like a friend and no matter what he says, please try to respect it, okay?” he says and I sigh too. “Yeah. Thanks Jackson, you are the best,” I mumble and hang up.

I am half way to my house, so I am practically standing equidistant from my safe zone and a potential war zone where I could get hurt brutally and in every way it could be fatal. I take small but determined steps towards his house, my heart thumping loudly in my chest. My finger feels numb when I ring the doorbell. I wait for him to open the door, but at the same time I want to dash from there. My head and my heart are having a vicious battle right now and I feel like I am just a host they use to carry their fights. I breathe in and breathe out to calm myself down and that’s when he answers the door.

“Jae? Are you okay?” he asks and I walk right in without answering his question. “I need to talk to you,” I say while I walk towards the coach. “Oh. What is it?” he is standing right beside me so I turn to look at him. I walk really close to him, warning lights flashing in my mind, my heart going crazy in my chest, a static buzz in my ear. I grab his shoulders tight and look into his eyes. “Promise me you won’t hate me after I tell you. Promise me you won’t let anything change between us,” I shake him slightly and his eyes look at me with adoration. “I will never hate you Jae, are you crazy?” he smiles weakly. “What is it?”

“I am in love you with you Im Jaebum. I think I have been in love with you since past eight years.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! I feel buzzed after writing this chapter. I dont know if it is good or not but it definitely stirred something in me. It is like writing about a home you never had but always wanted to visit, that kind of sickness. I guess I have been listening to Hopeless Love- Jimin Park a lot. I saw it's official video for the first time yesterday (heard the song but never saw the video before) and I was so shocked to see it had her drowning in a swimming pool for a moment. I had by then already written this chapter and I was astounded by how the depths of water elicit the same feelings in everyone. I am sorry if this wasnt a really beautiful chapter emotionally but it was really fulfilling to write it. Expect an end soon. I love you for being here.
> 
> xoxo


	12. Promise

**Youngjae**

“I think I am in love you with you Im Jaebum. I think I have been in love with you since past eight years.” I gulped nervously as I said those words loud, never in my life imagining I could actually say them without breaking down or without making a mess of myself. It so happens that when you are already broken too many times, the anticipation of crumbling into pieces carries no romanticism. It was like one of those moments when you know what is happening behind the curtains, you actually know everything but once you see the curtains opening and revealing what you already know, the surprise is but a reaction that carries no actual sentiment. I looked at Jaebum and his lips were parted and eyes looked a bit wide but not as much as I had expected. He shifted in his spot, gulping nervously and letting out a sigh.

“Oh.” Seriously, he says “Oh” like it is some beautiful word from the 17th century which conveys the innermost feelings of someone’s heart. He says it with zero expressions and I want to scream to the universe for putting me in this situation. “Oh? Is that all you want to say?” my voice changes its pitch and I sound a little more dominant than I have ever been (zero percent, the whole world knows I am pathetic).

Once my confession has slipped my lips, my mind is free of all the thoughts that troubled me. It cannot get any worse. All the possibilities that my brain conjured up have eased because I know there are only two things that can happen today. One: he is going to politely reject my feelings or two: he is going to smile and say he wants me too. The third possibility is the most disturbing so I push it down into the depths of my brain. May be he will slap me across the face and blame me for being such a bad friend and never see me again.

“Say something,” I prod him but at the same time I take a step back. He looks disturbed like he is when he usually dealing with a lot of emotions in his brain. I hate how well I know him. “I know, this is too much to take, but I had to tell you. It was killing me to keep it to myself and honestly Jaebum, the pain is not sweet anymore,” I slouch my shoulders as I look at his carpet.

“Why now?” he clears his throat and asks. “Because I am unable to cope with the emotions and I am slowly breaking down, that’s why,” I shake my head in disappointment, I hate to be a person who does things when it gets harder. I am the kind who waits for it to get worse and then finally lunges into action. I am bound to get hurt.

“I have known this since the day we last went to the club,” he says and now he looks at the carpet. My mind goes numb at this information and I want to find a stake and launch it right into my heart. Just the visual my brain is presenting me is making me more eager to break, throw or destroy something. Anger and confusion is surging in my chest and a lump is forming in my throat. “What do you mean? Okay Jaebum, the love I am talking about is not the kind of love that friends have for each other. This is the kind you felt for Amy. I hope you are not confusing this with something else,” I look at him with desperation and he shakes his head. “Are you saying you knew about my feelings for all these weeks and you didn’t say anything about it?” he nods. “How the fuck did you know? Since when did you get so smart about people’s feelings?” it comes out all wrong but I don’t give a flying fuck. If this person has known my feelings for so long then why did he see me writhe in pain like this for all this time? Did I always love the wrong person all my life? My anger bubbles up and quickly reaches my tongue. “Of course, you knew everything but kept quiet. May be you never wanted to reciprocate these feelings so you never bothered to confront me. Or worse, you didn’t think they were important enough so you just ignored them. Even worse, you still wanted me to be your friend and you were scared I wouldn’t be if you rejected me so you chose to keep mum about this,” I pull my hair out in anger and land my ass on the couch, feeling so much pain, anger and hurt at once.

“Oh my God, I don’t believe this. Why did I even give all this so much importance, why did I cry rivers and pine for you for almost a decade when you just didn’t look at me that way? I am so pathetic, who would love someone pathetic like me? Of course nobody. May be I should die alone and people will cry for me thinking, ‘Oh this man didn’t really find someone to share his life with, that’s so unfortunate’. Why did I even listen to Jackson about this, I should have gone home and you should have kept your hands to yourself. What were you even doing to me?” I stop to take a breath as I babbled so many things in one. I am heaving heavily until I realize Jaebum is standing there transfixed. The biggest question ever that haunts me is how did he know? “Tell me right now, how did you know? Was it Jackson? Oh my God, I am going to fucking kill him, he-”

“Your diary…” his disposition reeks of so much guilt and he doesn’t dare look into my eyes. _Jaebum read my diary?_  “You read my diary?” I squeal like a dying whale and hide my face in my arms. This is turning out to be the worst day of my life. Nothing like the way I imagined my confession day to be. Deep irritation takes over my brain, the contents of my most recent diary entry slowly floating across my brain, the total embarrassment of Jaebum reading into my thoughts like that, the whole ordeal of me fainting and Jaebum knowing how it was because of his conversation with Amy, making it much more embarrassing. The whole universe is against me. It is like I am subject to all the bad things that could happen to someone in a 48 hour period and the attacks just keep on coming in form of such surprise revelations and the veiled arousal I felt when Jaebum touched my back. Pathetic as I am, hot tears roll down my eyes because now I have no face to show. I have made the worst possible decision ever to confess and Jaebum is the worst person ever to love. “I hate you Im Jaebum, I hate you so much,” I say as I give way to my tears and cough like an old man. “Who reads someone’s personal diary Jaebum? Why did you? Do you have no boundaries?” I look at him accusingly and I see a smile on his face? Wait what?

“This is not funny, you idiot. How dare you touch my diary? Why the hell are you smiling like an idiot right now? Are you having a mental episode?” I bark at him and get to my feet. “Just forget it, okay? Forget that I said anything at all. I shouldn’t have. You are the worst Jaebum, you moron. I hate you,” I kick his shin because of the frustration I feel right now. Tears are still making their way out of my eyes and it is disturbing how calm Jaebum is at this moment. “Jae…” he whispers.

“What?” I yell. “You just said you love you and also that you hate me. Which one is it then? Do words really help when you feel so much?” he asks, his eyes softening as he scans my face. “You talked so much right now, does it make you feel better?” he says, voice dead calm and levelled. “Not one bit. I need to go Jaebum. I am hoping you will keep your promise and not hate me. I am sorry for messing your mind up,” I quickly make my way out of his house, he doesn’t follow me. I know I have screwed everything up and Jaebum is completely responsible for making me so mad. I am not worried if he is going to be my friend anymore or not, I am worried I might never forgive him for knowing everything and not doing anything about it. I am worried I might never forgive him for reading my diary without my consent, worried he has seen the innermost feelings of my heart and still chose to not confront me, something that is really unforgivable in my eyes.

I call Jackson the moment I get home. “He fucking knew! Can you believe it?” “What the fuck! How did he know?” “He read my diary Jackson, he is so shameless. He knew since the night we went to the club. I want to kill him,” I yell and throw things around. “Why didn’t he talk to you about it?” “You think I know the answer to that? I am so mad at him right now. I hate him,” “Ok calm down. You know he has issues with starting conversations, right? May be he was afraid that you would get mad, which you really did, so he didn’t tell you about it?” I heave because whatever Jackson is saying right now seems oddly correct but it makes me angrier. “Are you on my team or his, you idiot?” “Otter calm down, you know I am on yours, I have always been,” “Put Mark hyung on the line,” Jackson’s throat clears in embarrassment. “Oh cut the crap Jackson, I know he is with you right now so don’t act all embarrassed. The world knows you two cant have enough of each other. Before I break something else, put him on the phone,”

I move anxiously around my room listening to the rustling on the line until Mark’s baritone voice says hello. “Mark hyung, what do you think I must do? If it was you and you read Jackson’s diary what would you have done?” Silence. “Hyung I am asking you because you and that asshole are similar in a weird way. So what would you have done?” “Umm, Jae, I would have waited for you to talk to me,” “Oh my God hyung…” “Ok listen to me before you go on a rampage! You waited all these years for him, having all these feelings and he didn’t know about them. He didn’t notice them because he was dumb so maybe he wants to give you the chance to actually confess and after reading your diary he must have felt obligated to give you the benefit of choosing a fitting moment or maybe he thought you had a reason to not confess until today. Confronting you would have been so unromantic and would have also revealed that he read your diary without permission. More so, he would have had to tell you the truth on his own, which I presume was really hard for him to do. And would you confront someone or patiently wait for them? You waited eight years and he waited a few weeks, so what’s the big deal? And today he could have hidden the fact that he knew, but he didn’t, he is so honest Jae, give him some credit,” I am left speechless because I have never heard Mark hyung say so many things in the entire time that I have known him. Maybe he is so inclined about reasoning with me because he closely relates to Jaebum due to the similarities in their nature.

“Are you saying me being mad is abnormal?” “Bluntly speaking, yeah! Jae, he has so many difficulties and like always he left the hard carrying to you. It’s your fault really, you have given him this bad habit,” Mark chuckled and I whined angrily. “I hate you hyung,” “Awww Jae, I am so heartbroken. By the way Jackson is pouting because you chose me over him,” “Oh Jackson can deal with it. Go indulge him,” I hang up without a bye and sit on the bed, exasperated.

My phone rings and I look at it. It’s the devil. I let the phone ring, just staring at it intently. I feel so many emotions that I am in no mood to listen to a voice that can melt my heart. The phone goes silent and I let out a sigh. I receive a text from him and I contemplate on whether or not I should open it. I do.

**I am sorry for disappointing you. I really am. Please don’t leave me.**

The first thought that comes to my mind after I read his message is- I wish I could leave you, but it is so unfortunate that I can’t, not now, not ever.

 

**Jaebum**

Youngjae was everything to me. He was the only person I could trust on the darkest day of my life and I would happily jump into anything at his command and believe everything he said without an argument. But today was different. It hurts when you are used to someone so much and that person suddenly chooses to distance you. I wanted to see him so badly and I couldn’t push concern out of my mind. But noona had sent me home and when I called to ask him if I could drop by he had asked me to wait. In the evening I saw the guys leave his house and I completely lost my mind. How can he avoid me like that? And why? Did I do something wrong? I didn’t know. I just was mad at him for giving me distance. The moment he stepped out of his house, most probably to see Jackson out (something that pissed me off to no end), I took quick strides towards the gate. Jackson and presumably Mark had already left and I grabbed him by his wrist and dragged him into the house, his screams doing nothing to my resolve. The next logical step was informing his mother of his whereabouts so I had enough time to ask him the question that was bothering me the most. So I did just that. I lost my temper and yelled at him, demanding an answer to why he was avoiding me. I started to really lose my cool and throwing things around until his quivering voice made me stop.

If there is anything in this world I hate, it is being the reason for Youngjae’s pain or discomfort. I would do anything to see him smile or hear his clear voice and laughter. So when he said he couldn’t handle my recklessness at the moment, something in me just made me stop. I sat him down and comfortably lodged my head on his lap. Youngjae’s lap was the best place to be, somewhere I could just relax and let go of all my fears in the form of tears. He was so comforting and his fingers running through my hair made me feel warm at the pit of my stomach. I would surely love more of this. I would surely love to receive the warmth he radiated every day for the rest of my life. I told him Amy wasn’t a part of my life anymore, I don’t know why I needed him to know that but I somehow felt guilty about harming his health and I just wanted to relax him with that bit of information.

Just like the rainbow doesn’t last long, the moment of bliss didn’t either. He started to move away and I wasn’t ready to let go. My mind was full of selfish thoughts and I wanted to hold onto him till the end of time, till the time I was satisfied. Youngjae ignited some weird feelings in my heart, ever since I knew about his love for me. He smelled intoxicating, even when he was ill and was supposed to smell of meds and hospital. He smelled absolutely tempting and I couldn’t help myself as my hand slid under his shirt to feel the delicate skin of his back. My fingers were not in my control and my heart was beating hard against my chest, my breath hitching as I registered his breath faltering due to my touch. I snapped out of it and felt like a pervert and I could see how scared he looked as well.

I still wasn’t ready to let go of him. I felt like a drug addict for some reason and Youngjae looked like a line of drugs ready to be snorted. I wanted to be close to him, hug him and touch him so bad that I followed him when he tried to rush out of my house. I was seriously out of control and I don’t know what had gotten into me. I was never this blinded by emotions before but when it comes to Youngjae, every emotion is that much intensified. I held him in my arms and inhaled his scent as I nuzzled in his neck. It was the best feeling ever but I had to let go of him. My whole body shuddered because I felt so out of control and this was the first time I felt so weak in the knees, so many new feelings were stirring in me and idiot as I am, I couldn’t deal with them just yet. I asked him if it was normal for me to want to hug him more because he was the only one who had answers to all my questions, when he said he didn’t know, I knew I was doomed.

After he left, I sat down on the couch, trying really hard to calm my heart down. It was still in overdrive and Youngjae’s confession kept echoing in my ears. He was really mad at me for not confronting him but how was I supposed to start the conversation when I was guilty of reading his diary? It was just an understatement to say that I was guilty. I was more than guilty. I was devastated to have crossed that line and betrayed his friendship like that. It was a lapse in judgement, curiosity killing the cat kind of a situation and I could never go back on it. What was more perplexing was that I didn’t know how I felt about a guy loving me. I wasn’t against the idea but I hadn’t imagined it for myself ever. Yes, I am overtly attached to Youngjae, yes, I constantly need him to feel normal and in control of my life but I never reached out to him in that way. After knowing his feelings, I have started to feel this strange longing for him. He keeps on popping in my mind more than once during my day. It slowly has become a habit to imagine him throughout the day. May be I am actually giving the possibility of being with Youngjae a chance, subconsciously. It is difficult to accept it but it is slowly sinking in because now it hurts more to hurt him, it hurts to see him ill and weak, hurts to even think I have made him yearn and cry all these years.

Youngjae’s words had left me feeling paralyzed. Sometimes you know the truth but your mind consciously decides to not register it, as if it is something too out of the world to be true. Youngjae confessing his love for me was just one of those moments. I knew his feelings for me since long but the confession made it really a different and real experience for me. I felt so many things at once, the feeling was like when you climb three stairs at once, when you are at the top while on a giant wheel and descend downwards, when you catch your breath after a long, excruciating workout. It was all too messy because I am so weak with words. I closed my eyes and his face popped up in front of my eyes, that smiling radiant face which never stopped being precious, never stopped being the reason behind my smiles and countless beautiful moments. Youngjae was someone so special and if he wanted me, if he wanted to be with me more than just friends, I was going to give that to him, not out of pity but because just like his friendship his love was going to be true and genuine. It was the least I could do because he never stopped giving. I am not sure if this is the right way to proceed but I am guessing I am going to find out soon. May be I have always loved him, may be more than just a friend but I have never given that idea much thought. May be now is the time I should do it, because love or not, I am never letting Youngjae go.

‘Youngjae,’ saying his name feels so different now. I decide to call him and apologise for being an idiot. I am going to try my best to win him back and actually start being with him, if he still wants that. I know I have to start this time, because if I don’t do something this time, I am going to lose him entirely. I cannot risk that. As expected, he doesn’t answer my call so I leave him a message which in no way actually conveys how sorry I feel but in this moment I cannot do any better. I am going to see him first thing in the morning and fall at his feet if I have to. I cannot bear to see him upset while recuperating.

“Jae, please wait for a few more hours, like how you waited for all these years. I am going to make it up to you, I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for a late and a small update, sigh! I feel unfulfilled with this chapter because it didnt turn out very well :(
> 
> I am debating rating the next few chapters M (are you catching my drift?). I am so sorry again for the long wait. I hope you guys don't hate me after this chapter.
> 
> xoxo


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I am sorry for a late update, I was supposed to update on Sunday but I got caught up and the chapter took a bit longer than expected to reach my level of expectation (still lacks in so many ways but I dont know what to do). A few things before you read this chapter:
> 
> 1\. This is a really lonnnngggg chapter. I am sorry but I didnt want to miss out on the pent up emotions, dividing this in two parts would have killed that heat. So please bear with me for this chapter.
> 
> 2\. This chapter is a bit different from all the chapters that I have written so far. There is a lot of conversation and the characters draw energy from each other. You might find it odd but since the story is about the end, I wanted every character involved. I am sorry if it killed the mood somehow but it was necessary.
> 
> 3\. Please leave your feedback and I am crossing my fingers that you guys like how I led this story here. 
> 
> Thank you so much for being with me!

**Jaebum**

It was really hard for me to wait through the night to see Youngjae again and I got up hastily to get through my morning routine. I was done with everything by 8 but going to see him this early in the morning didn’t feel right. I anxiously roamed my backyard looking at flowers and trying to figure out what I could say to him. ‘ _Youngjae, let’s go out?’ or ‘Youngjae, I feel I should try being with you?’ or ‘Jae, I want to see you happy?’_ “Ewww! I suck big time,” I grimaced as I sat in the patio. My parents had got home late at night and as much as I wanted to tell them about this recent development, I was a bit apprehensive to do that before Youngjae forgave me and before he actually agreed to go out with me. Was I really ready to do this? I had no idea but I was desperate to do something to smooth things over with Youngjae and for once give his heart some medicine. That and all the longing I felt for him was shouting at me to go get him once and for all. I can be a desperate mess when I want to be. I started reading ‘Kafka on the Shore’ from where I had left off three days ago and tried to pass the couple of hours before I could go see Youngjae. 

“Reading this early in the morning? Aren’t you going to the office?” my mother brought some fresh blueberries and set them on the table in front of me. She looked happy and was smiling widely. “You look happy, eomma. Something I should know?” “You know, your father and I had the most amazing time. I guess I needed a break. I am just relaxed. You took good care of the house. It wasn’t as messy as I thought it would be,” she smirked. I smiled at her and got back to reading. She huffed at my indifference and my ability to switch zones effortlessly. “Is Youngjae okay? I had called his mom up to look after you but she was in the hospital at the time, nursing Youngjae,” her tone is a bit pointed and I am not sure what she wants to imply with it. “He is fine. Doctor said it was because of some stress and low blood pressure,” I shrugged, trying really hard to forget that I was the reason behind his collapse. “Jaebum, ummm, did you have something to do with his stress?” “What?” “You can be really hard on him sometimes. I personally find your attachment really disturbing but he always stays rooted. Do not lose that kid to your whims, Jaebum,” she continues pointedly and a frown forms on my face without much ado. I clear my throat because I am on the verge of spilling. Restraint on such matters doesn’t come easy, especially when your mother thinks you are a cold-hearted savage. I cannot blame her, I do appear like that. “Don’t worry, I will take care of him,” I smile convincingly and she is glad I do not try to defend myself. She leaves me to my book and I am glad.

It is a little past ten when I walk towards his house, only to be met by an unpleasant sight. Jackson’s car is parked outside and he gets out of it, a fruit basket in his hand and a jar of Youngjae’s favorite chocolate chip cookies atop it. He looks in my direction and I nod to acknowledge him. He frees his hands by putting the stuff on the car roof and rests against the door, waiting for me to get near.

“Don’t you have school?” I usually don’t start conversations but I am already hating this unwanted intrusion in my plan. I want to get rid of Jackson as soon as I can. I have never behaved like this with him but lately he gets on my nerves. May be it is because Jae has found a good friend in him and I suddenly feel side-stepped a bit because of that. I am such a pathetic human being. “I do. I just came to check on him and drop him some goodies,” he shrugs. “How have you been?” I blink at him blankly as if not understanding his question and then I quickly compose myself. “I have been well,” I answer, hands still in my pocket. “Are you here to see him as well?” his tone a bit pointed than I like, pointed tones since the morning rub me in the wrong way so I close my eyes and sigh, try very hard to not lose my temper. “Yeah,” “You sure about that?” that feels like the last nail in the coffin and I open my eyes and look at him coldly. I move a bit closer to him and do not break eye contact. “Excuse me? Do you have a problem with that?” “You tell me dude. He is recovering and from what I know, you are not helping,” he says, looking straight into my eyes.

“Since when do you care so much? And what do you know?” my voice shakes, I am trying so hard to not lose my cool. “Since always. I know enough, believe me. I think you should wait for him to see you instead of just barging in. It might affect his health,” his tone is calm but his eyes look stubborn and I hate it. “Someone needs to get you back to your senses Jaebum,” he stands straight, his face just inches away, eyes boring holes into mine. “You can’t just toy with him like that. He is hurting,” his lips form a straight line, clearly indicating how he is also trying his best to control himself.

“Nobody tells me what I must or mustn’t do with my best friend,” I say nonchalantly. “But you are not his only friend Jaebum,” that makes me falter a bit and I feel a pang of jealousy. I have to say something to make this guy shut up and why the hell is he even acting like he owns Youngjae? Why? Does he secretly love Youngjae? I can’t have that, can I? In all these years that I have known him, I never thought this guy was trouble, but today, he smells like it. “I may not be his only friend, but I am the one he loves,” I must emit fire from my eyes because his mouth is left agape for a couple of seconds until he smiles. Wait, what?

I see Mark jogging in our direction with a small bag in his hand. He pants and he puts it beside the stuff on the car roof. He looks at me and Jackson and the smile on Jackson’s face confuses him. I must look tense through my body language, looking angrily at Jackson. I look at Mark and he sees the frown on my face. He stares into my eyes for a couple of seconds until I see his eyes glint and a wide smile appear on his face. He puts his arm around Jackson’s shoulder and kisses his cheek. “I got the chocolates Gaga, Jae is gonna squeal like a pig,” he chuckles and plants another kiss on his cheek, Jackson blushes profusely, putting his head down, smile slightly broadening. “Jaebum, this one is already taken so don’t worry, he is not gonna take your man away,” I stand there mortified, my cheeks turning redder by the moment at being exposed like that. “Wait, what?” Jackson shoots his head up to look at Mark alarmingly. “You idiot, you made him jealous. What did you say to him? Look at him, jeez he could have punched you if I wouldn’t have come at the right time,” he shakes his head. “Huh? I was just telling him to not hurt otter. Did I say something wrong?” He facepalms himself. “Gaga, you fool. He thought you were interested in Jae because of all this extra concern that you are showing. I am sure he was clenching his fists throughout your talk. You can be so innocently ignorant sometimes,” he ruffles Jackson’s hair and I sigh.

“Umm Jaebum, we know everything, Mark and I. I am sorry to give you the wrong impression. Otter confided in me, don’t blame him. He was overcooked with all the feelings and complications. He confessed to you, didn’t he? It was my idea,” Jackson says softly and I look at him again. I nod slowly, suddenly not being able to meet his eyes. “You read his diary, and he is mad, right?” I nod again, another sigh escaping my lips. “Do you love him?” I shoot my head up and my eyes widen at the question. I look at Mark for help, I forgot that sudden, awkward questions make me feel weak and that Jae is not here to help me. “Sheesh Jacks, give him a break. Do you need confirmation for everything? Let’s go. Jaebum, give this stuff to Jae. Tell him we stopped by and that because we were getting late, we had to leave, okay?” he hands me the stuff and I look at him gratefully. Jackson gets in the car but Mark stays put. He quickly rushes towards me and whispers in my ear, “You want to win him back?” I nod frantically. “Beg for his forgiveness. Look your best, stupid, take him someplace nice. He is already deeply in love with you. Just remind him of that. And for God’s sake, open your mouth more. For times like these, we have to talk, talking is the key. Work it out, call me if you need me,” he looks into my eyes and nods, hurriedly opening the car door and getting inside. He winks, waving his hand at me affectionately.

 _‘They are together? When did that happen? Was I not paying attention?’_ I sigh, this time with relief that Jackson is not in fact encroaching Jae’s life. I guess it is justified for a friend to worry for his well-being. And the fact that he knows everything means Jae trusts him explicitly. Jae never just involves people in his personal matters unless he trusts them completely. I turn around since Mark’s suggestion actually made sense. I am gonna have to work harder than expected and I am going to do just that.

I get back home and set all the things that Jackson and Mark gave me on the table in my room. I open my laptop, unsure what to do to win Youngjae over. I search ‘how to ask someone out’, ‘best ways to say sorry’ and ‘things to know before dating your best friend’ but nothing seems to do the trick and ease my tension. Seriously, Jae is not going to forgive me if I hold a placard saying ‘Please go out with me’ or send a thousand roses and an apology note or post a song that conveys I love my best friend on my SNS. Sigh!

I pace the room and I am so restless that I fail to notice my mother standing near the door and watching me. “Problem?” I am startled by her voice and I stop short to look at her and violently shake my head. “What is it Jaebum, tell me,” she insists. “Youngjae and I had a fight,” I shift uncomfortably in my spot. “Oh my God! What did you do?” “Why do you always assume I am in the wrong eomma?” I whine. “Because that boy can’t even kill a fly! What did you do this time?” “I am not a child anymore. I am not telling you,” I turn around and face the wall, I can’t believe how childish I am being right now but it rarely happens that my mom comes and asks me if something was wrong. Of course I am to blame for it because I hardly talk to her about things, but today I find her presence comforting. “How about I invite him to dinner, cook all his favourite dishes? You can plan a good apology till the evening and may be take him out for dessert or something?” she stands right behind me and lightly taps my shoulders when I don’t respond. “Thank you! Umm, eomma…” “Oh my God, looks like you messed up big time. Okay, don’t worry, I will call and invite him. He won’t be able to say no to me,” she smiles and I cant help but smile back.

 

**Youngjae**

I feel rejuvenated after a good night’s sleep which began sometime around 3 AM because- JAEBUM! I stretch myself and look at the clock. It is 11:15 AM and the sun is shining rather brightly for a change. The warmth feels really inviting so I decide to go the backyard and enjoy the sunshine until it gets all cloudy again. I finish my morning routine and head downstairs. “Otter, nice timing. We were just about to have lunch, come join us,” my sister is at the dining table setting the plates and I feel my stomach grumble with hunger. “Why didn’t you wake me up noona?” “If shaking you violently, pinching your cheeks, pulling off your blanket doesn’t count as me trying to wake you up, then I don’t know what does! You were sleeping like a pig,” “Oh! I guess I was. Sorry,” I make myself comfortable on the chair and she puts her arms around me. “Sorry? Why does my little button have to be sorry?” she nuzzles into my hair and I whine. “Go away, you always forget I am a grown man,” I try to slightly push her arms away but she is too powerful. She laughs her big laugh that is exactly same as mine and I cant help but smile. “As if that makes you any less squishy or cuter. You are the cutest otter,” she kisses the top of my head and just then my parents join us at the table. “What’s with all the pampering today? Everybody seems to want to pamper you,” “Eomma, noona is always like this. Who else?” “Jaebum’s mother. She has invited you to dinner. She said she was making all your favorite dishes. She wants you there by 6:30,” I cant help but feel a little breathless. 

“Oh cool. That means she is having a barbeque and her kimchi jjigae and chicken soup is to die for. Have fun,” little did my sister know I was confused and scared at the thought of seeing Jaebum again. I pushed it down and enjoyed lunch with my family which involved my parents and my sister talking non-stop about how I should take care of my health more and find my passion and pursue something interesting instead of being home all day. Sigh!

Later, I went to the backyard and relaxed. After confessing and everything that followed, I had let go of so many of the feelings which were trapped in my heart for so long. I felt relieved in such a huge way. Jaebum’s reaction was not a reaction since I had done all the reacting! He hadn’t actually conveyed whether or not he wanted to date me, but since he hadn’t brought up the topic for so many weeks of knowing the truth, it was safe to assume he wasn’t interested in me that way.

How I imagined the day I confessed my feelings to Jaebum? I imagined it to be a chilly winter evening (which it was) and saying the right things, seeing Jaebum smile brightly and telling me how he always felt we had something special. Okay, not saying those words but conveying it through his body language. Such a piece of art he is! The memory of his touch brought goose bumps on my body. He can be so strange sometimes. There had never been any physical contact between us all these years, except for a few hugs and an arm around the shoulder. What his touch had done to me cannot be expressed into words. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sunshine because not only was my face warm but also my heart. It was so stupid but I had already forgiven that dumbass, unknowingly, and much against my will or control. Love does that to you, I guess, you cannot remain mad with the person and you just want to be with them and see them smile. You expand your heart a little every day to occupy their quirks and mistakes and it gets easier and easier to synchronize with each other. When this love is eight years old and as deep as mine, forgiveness comes easy. But anyway, I was not going to let Jaebum know I had forgiven him just yet, I was going to see how far he could go to earn my forgiveness, and I was going to wait for him to work hard for me.

It was late afternoon when I decided to call everyone because I really wanted to hear their voices. I called Jackson, who in turn got the others in conference, except for my little bird who was still in the US. “Hyung, how are you?” “I am doing good Bam, how’s school? Don’t bunk because Yugyeom is not around,” “You think Jinyoung hyung is gonna let me bunk? Another eomma right here!” everybody lets out a laugh at that except for Jinyoung. “Kids should not miss school, definitely not because their best friend is away,” “Hyung, you do sound like an eomma,” “Youngjae-ah, seriously, are you okay?” his concerned voice really touches my heart. “I am, hyung. I will come see you guys at the café tomorrow. Are you still going there regularly? We can’t lose our booth,” “Yah otter, stop worrying about stupid things and concentrate on getting better, stupid is asking about booth and stuff…” Jackson rambles and Mark’s high pitched laughter isn’t missed by anyone. Everybody including me snorts. “Are you two still together? Don’t tell me you took Mark hyung to the school,” Jinyoung bursts laughing. “Yah! He is not with me. Check the call list. He is calling from his work. And why will I take him to school? Jeez,” all of us giggle at how defensive he sounds. “Gaga, they are teasing you, why so serious?” “Hyung, ask them not to!” “Yeah hyung, ask us not to!” Bambam doesn’t leave one opportunity to mock Jackson. “I am gonna kill you Bammie,” “Ask Mark hyung to kill me instead since he is your…” he giggles endlessly and all of us follow. I am already feeling so much better because of this call. Jinyoung and Bambam need to get back to their stuff so they hang up leaving Jackson, Mark and me on the line.

“So did you like the cookies?” “What cookies?” “Your favorite chocolate chip cookies, you dumbass. Are you having a memory loss problem?” “I don’t know what you are talking about. You didn’t give me any cookies,” Silence. “Oh! So he didn’t come see you?” “Who?” “Your one and only,” “Yah!” “We met him in front of your house today. We were in a hurry so we handed him the stuff we got you hoping he would give it to you. But I guess he didn’t come see you after all,” I gulp nervously at this information. “I wouldn’t have talked to him anyway, so good thing he didn’t come. I hate you for giving him all the good stuff you bought me,” “Not like he is going to eat it. Don’t be so upset. He must have come to see you because he was feeling sorry and was worried,” “Again, are you on his team or mine?” “Okay kids, enough. Jae, you are feeling better now, right? That’s the most important thing. Get back to being healthy and we can discuss everything later,” “Yeah hyung. I am alright now. No need to worry. So…” “So?” “His mom invited me to dinner today,” “Owwwww. And?” “And? I am going to go. I cant not go because I love her cooking and she loves me. I daresay, she loves me more than Jaebum,” “Have a good time then. Call me if you need anything,” “And me too,” “I guess calling either one of you will be like calling both of you since you are always together,” Silence. I giggle and say my goodbyes. I already feel so much better about everything.

Around 6 I start to get ready. I wear a simple white sweater and a pair of blue denim jeans. I set my hair neatly with gel and apply some cologne which noona gifted me on my last birthday, bottle still looking new since I hardly use it. I roll up the sleeves of the sweater and look at myself in the mirror. I then decide to change my earrings because I am so bored of them. I wear three silver rings in my piercings and they go pretty well with my look. Satisfied, I descend the stairs and announce that I am leaving. I hear hurried steps until my sister appears in front of me, panting. “Oh?” “What is it?” “Otter, you…” “What? Stop stopping for dramatic effect noona, I don’t wanna get late, what is it?” “You look so handsome, oh my God, what did you do to my baby?” I laugh loudly because what she is saying makes no sense at all.

I am wearing a sweater which was lying around and I am pretty sure my jeans is not washed since forever because I forget to put it in the laundry basket. “Says the woman who thinks I am perfect in anything and everything I wear! How should I even believe what you say?” “Eomma…” she yells until my mother shows up. “What is it? Why are you yelling? How do you even have this much energy after all the work you do?” “Doesn’t this man here look excruciatingly handsome right now?” she points at me and I roll my eyes. My mother looks at me and I am hyperaware of her scrutinizing gaze. “Oh my God, he does! Jae-ah, who will guess you fainted on the porch two days ago?” she cackles away and I shake my head. “I am going. I will be home once I am done with dinner, don’t wait up because I guess I will stay back and help auntie. She sure loves to cook a lot and her kitchen is a mess, so, don’t wait up,” “Sir yessir, sir yes handsome sir,” my sister mock salutes me and I seriously don’t know why I have such a weird family.

The Im residence looks bright and warm as I walk towards it. I feel guilty about not being able to bring something for the dinner but I decide to compensate by helping Jaebum’s mother with everything. I enter their gate and suddenly the anticipation of seeing Jaebum after the sloppy confession night dawns on me. It gets a bit difficult for me to breathe but I close my eyes tight and think about a field of blooming sunflowers, that always seems to work for me, something about the sunshine and the sunflowers always calms me down. I ring the doorbell and wait.

I see Mrs Im peep through the window and then open the door. “Son,” she hugs me warmly and I smile. I get inside and make myself comfortable on the couch. “How are you doing? Are you taking your medicines on time?” “I am alright now, perfect in fact. Yes, I am taking them on time because noona wouldn’t let me do anything until I take them. How was your trip?” “It was wonderful. Your uncle was busy with work for a day but we spent the next roaming around and taking a spa retreat so it was relaxing,” she rummages through the drawers to draw out cutlery so I hurry to help her. “I will be done with the chicken in around half an hour. You aren’t hungry just yet, are you?” “Noo… I am not. Is uncle home yet?” “He will be in an hour, I guess,” “Then let’s wait for him. Do you want me to help you?” “No son, relax. I have got this covered. Why don’t you go upstairs and talk to Jaebum? I will call you two when dinner’s ready. Your uncle will be home by the time I am done, I am going to call him and ask him to rush home,” she smiles wide and for a minute I don’t know what to do. I really want to run home than rather see Jaebum. “He didn’t go to office today?” “Ugh, that boy is troublesome. I don’t know why he didn’t go, said something about self-reflection and trying to sort some things. You know I never pester him,” “Yeah. Troublesome.” I unknowingly frown and shake my head. “Are you sure you don’t want any help?” “I am. Go talk to him,” she urges and I deeply regret agreeing to this.

With a wildly thumping heart, I climb the stairs that lead to Jaebum’s room. I stand in front of the door and remember the last time I was here. I was on the verge of a breakdown. I collect myself before knocking on the door. ‘Dumbass, I am going to make you work hard’ I repeat in my head until he opens a door.

“Jae…” he whispers as I get into the room. He shuts the door and I don’t register him locking it, but he does. “Did you put her up to this dinner thing?” I waste no time in cornering him. He clears his throat awkwardly but doesn’t say anything. “Hello? I asked you something,” I repeat. “Aani. I didn’t ask her to do this. She said she wanted to invite you to dinner and wanted to see how you were doing,” he says softly, still not looking at me. “Is this the stuff Jackson and Mark hyung gave you this morning?” I look at the fruits and chocolates scattered on his table and he quickly approaches me. “Yeah. I was meaning to give them to you tonight. Sorry, I didn’t come by in the morning. I wasn’t sure you wanted to see me,” “Good decision, I didn’t want to see you first thing in the morning and have a sour start to the day,” I blurt because I am a bit pissed because he is acting as if everything is normal. His face contorts into sadness the moment I speak and I suddenly realize that I have never spoken to him like this before. He has always been subject to my sweetness until now. “Oh. Jae…ummm,” he looks at the floor uncomfortably. “What is it?” “I prepared something for you,” he whispers and I don’t even catch half of what he said. “Come again?” “I said I prepared something for you,” he hesitantly looks at me for a response. I blink at him and my mouth forms an o. “Prepared? What?” “Sit down. Are you sure you won’t walk out on me?” he asks me earnestly. “But what is it?” “Just promise me you wont walk out,” he shakes me lightly. “Ok. I wont walk out on you,” he runs excitedly towards his shelf and fetches his guitar.

“Please don’t tell me you are going to play me the tune you used to play when you first started learning the guitar,” I whine and he shakes his violently. “Just listen to me, okay? Forget everything and just listen to me,” he says softly, a small smile appearing on his face. He positions the guitar on his thigh properly and strums the chords aimlessly, creating a loud yet melodious sound. Then he starts to play, a perfect melody, a song which I have never heard before. Just as I am absorbing his perfection with the guitar, he starts to SING! Jaebum is fucking singing and playing the guitar and my mouth falls open…

 

_Will you listen to my story?_

_It'll just be a minute_

_How can I explain?_

 

_What ever happened here_

_Never meant to hurt you_

_How could I cause you so much pain?_

 

_When I say I'm sorry_

_Will you believe me?_

_Listen to my story_

_Say you wont leave me_

_When I say I'm sorry_

_Can you forgive me?_

_When I say I'll always be there_

_Will you believe_

_Will you believe me?_

 

_All the words that I come up with_

_They're like gasoline on flames_

_There's no excuse_

_No explanation_

_Believe me_

_If I could I'd undo what I did wrong_

_I'd give away all that I own_

 

_When I say I'm sorry_

_Will you believe me?_

_Listen to my story_

_Say you wont leave me_

_When I say I'm sorry_

_Can you forgive me?_

_When I say I'll always be there_

_Will you believe_

_Will you believe me?_

 

_If I told you_

_I've been cleaning my soul_

_And if I promised you_

_I'll regain control_

_Will you open your door_

_And let me in?_

_Take me for who I am_

_And not for who I've been?_

 

_Who I've been..._

 

_When I say I'm sorry_

_Will you believe me?_

_Listen to my story_

_Say you wont leave me_

_When I say I'm sorry_

_Can you forgive me?_

_When I say I'll always be there_

_Will you believe?_

 

_When I say I'm sorry_

_(When I say I'm sorry)_

_When I say I'm sorry_

_(When I say I'm sorry)_

_When I say I'm sorry_

_Can you forgive me?_

_When I say I'll always be there_

_Will you believe?_

 

Whatever hard feelings I have had for Jaebum, his lack of understanding, his ruthlessness, his ignorance, his stupidity, everything just washes away with the way he sings. His voice reverberates through my heart, his gaze silently making me sway in between fantasy and reality, his delicate fingers on the chords moving gracefully, creating a rhythm that makes my soul feel warm. His words cutting through every barrier I tried to create to keep him at bay, crumbling without any efforts. My heart is pumping so much warmth into my body with blood. I don’t want to blink, I fear this beautiful sight will get distorted if I do, I want to stay like this, looking at him, hearing him sing, staring into his eyes that are so full of emotions. It feels like all my love had led me to this moment, this beautiful moment which I would always save in my heart, like a fresh supply of life.  

His eyes are brimming with tears as he strums the guitar, belting notes effortlessly with a slightly cracking voice. He keeps on singing ‘When I say I am sorry, will you believe me?’ for a while until he ends the song, puts the guitar aside and literally falls to his knees in front of me, eyes overflowing with tears and emotions and quivering lips.

“Jae, please…please,” he shudders and breaks down completely. “Jaebum, get up, oh my God, what is this?” I quickly grab him by the shoulders and make him stand up. “Oh my God, babo, stop crying, you are such an idiot,” I quickly wipe his cheeks but I realize my own voice is cracking. He holds me by the shoulders and makes me sit down. He sits near my feet and looks up at me. “Jae, I really am sorry. I know I messed up big time, I betrayed your trust by reading your personal diary, I didn’t talk to you about your feelings even after knowing them. Actually Jae, those feelings confused me to no end. They scared me so much because I cannot imagine a life without you and then I suddenly found out you loved me since such a long time and I felt so bad about never figuring it out. I am sorry Jae, please forgive me for all the madness that I bring in our friendship. I am sorry, you need to please give me one last chance, please…” he says with much difficulty, sobbing constantly, sniffling every time he talks about my feelings.

“I forgive you Jaebum. I already did. I did it involuntarily because…well! I guess I just lashed out at you out of spite. I was upset like a normal human being would be when he doesn’t get an expected reaction to his confession and instead ends up finding disturbing information. Don’t mope about this anymore. I forgive you. I will very much appreciate it if you never crossed such boundaries again because those diary entries are how I managed to contain my feelings for you all these years and they are a part of me which I tried really hard to keep locked away from you. I understand you don’t love me and you don’t want to be with me romantically and I don’t blame you for it. I just want you to learn to respect my feelings for once,” my face is wet with tears and my voice is hoarse because I am holding in an outburst. I wipe my face dry and compose myself and I stare into his eyes, which are still shining with emotions.

There is a knock on the door and we suddenly scuttle away from each other. “Eomma, we will be down in a few minutes,” he yells and there is silence again. I gulp nervously as our eyes meet again. He stares at me intently. “Jae, let’s talk after dinner. We need to talk, please?” we both get up, eyes still locked on each other. I nod. He walks towards the door and I see his broad shoulders, his slightly misplaced shirt exposing his right shoulder and I don’t know what gets into me. His hand is one the door knob and I am right behind him until I put my hands on his waist. He freezes in his spot and I feel my heart beating crazily in my chest as I slightly push him against the door. I hover over his exposed shoulder and my fingers trace his neck, ever so gently. Feeling his soft skin under my fingertips is like a high which I desperately want to experience. His breath hitches immediately and for a change I feel I have so much power over him. It gives me so much confidence that I feel his nape with the tip of my nose, lips rubbing against his delicate skin until I reach his shoulder. “Jaebummie…don’t lock the door next time, I don’t know if I can hold myself back anymore…and yes…let’s talk,” I whisper. And for the very first time, Jaebum’s silence seems justified. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is called Sorry by Chris Daughtry. I loveeee it so much. Youngjae's behavior is odd but sometimes otter likes to break his chains and do something that he would normally hesitate to do. This behavior is prompted by him leaving all his worries behind since he has confessed to Jaebum. A little sexual tension seemed normal at this stage. I hope it didnt make you want to hit me or throw things at me, only because it shifts a bit from the angst! I am so thankful for all the comments and upvotes. Until the next time...
> 
> xoxo


	14. Comma

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire chapter is told from Jaebum's POV. I am sorry for a short and late update. Do not hate me after this. The next chapter will be the final one I guess, unless my brain gives me something more interesting! I do have a twisted one :P I hope you enjoy the chapter.

 

* * *

 

I was too shook by what Youngjae had done. I felt goose bumps all over my body because his touch, his breath on my neck and his words had completely paralyzed me. Youngjae paralyses me a lot these days. He overpowers me so easily and I just surrender without a fight. We needed to have that talk quickly or I am scared of losing my resolve. We headed downstairs and I really didn’t know how to talk to Youngjae. He was right behind me and from the looks of it, what he did had not bothered him one bit. He cheerfully sat on the dining table and started chatting with my mother. I looked at his face, his eyes and his smile. It was so warm and so addictive. I have looked at this face since past fifteen years and I have never grown tired of it. I don’t know why I didn’t realize this sooner, why I didn’t know our friendship meant life to me and that love was always there. How dense am I? Youngjae had every right to be mad but what made me uncomfortable was why he never confessed to me before? Why had he waited all these years to tell me about his precious feelings? He knows I am the dumbest of all people in his life when it comes to emotions.

He glanced at me and I froze, my heart leaping to my throat. His gaze was too powerful, his eyes shining so bright. I couldn’t even blink. “I asked you something Jaebum,” my mother tapped my shoulder lightly and I shot my head in her direction. “I, what?” “He needs to go to the hospital for his follow up tomorrow. Will you take him?” “Uh, oh. When?” I dare to look at him in the eye and ask. “During your lunch time? I don’t want you to miss your office,” he smiles warmly. “Actually auntie, why should I disturb him? I can ask Jackson to take me or may be noona,” he says softly to my mother. “Did I say no to take you? You definitely shouldn’t go with Jackson,” I blurt without thinking. He raises his eyebrows and looks at me as if I have said something surprising. “Why not?” my mother is quick to question. “I will take him. Eomma I am hungry, how about you serve chicken? When will Appa be home?” I quickly change the topic and I can see a faint smile forming on his face.

My father joins us just in time to eat the delicacies that my mother prepared tirelessly. We dive in to food like savages and savour everything to the point that my stomach is about to burst. Youngjae and I sit on the couch for a good fifteen minutes without saying anything. He suddenly gets up and my hand immediately moves to grab his wrist. “Where are you going?” “I need to help auntie with the dishes while you sit here rubbing your tummy,” he twists his wrist to get off my hold but I continue to hold it tight. “Stop this,” he whispers. “I thought we were going to talk,” “Since when are you so up for talking?” “Since you practically dirty talked to me,” I whisper and his face turns crimson. “Don’t you want to talk?” “I waited eight years, can’t you wait for a few minutes?” Okay, I won’t lie, that instantly shut me up but I was pretty pleased with myself for making him blush like that. I decided to build some karma points and followed him to help my mother. “Sit here, your helping is more like creating a mess, please stay away,” he pushes me back on the couch and I sigh. I decide to call Mark, because well, he knows me and I know him, we are pretty comfortable in our own weird way, and also because he offered to help.

I connect the call and rush to a corner, away from the kitchen. “Mark-yah? Did I disturb you?” I whisper. “What? No. Wassup?” “Umm…so…” “Okay. Ice-cream truck around the corner. Strawberry ice-cream, a walk to the park. Okay? Easy?” “But…” “Use your words wisely today. Asking him out?” “…” “Finally Bummie. DO NOT SCREW THIS UP! Think about our kind, we have to rise up at times like these by using words. What did you plan?” “Mark…” “I am gonna have to come out for this. Jackson is trying to sneak in,” I hear some ruffling and pushing and a door being slammed. “Okay. Tell me what did you plan?” “Err…” “Oh my God, please tell me you have something planned. Just stay focused. Tell him how you feel. I am sure you are going to do just fine,” “…” “Youngjae, let’s go out. I am sorry for making you wait. Sounds easy?” “…” “Jaebum?” “Hmm…” “Understood? Youngjae, let’s go out. I am sorry for making you wait and for hurting you so much all this time. I want to make it up to you. Please give me a chance. How does this sound?” I smiled because Mark was doing his best to suggest me all the things I could say to Jae. “Great. But I am going to use my own words, thanks for this sweet idea though, Mark. I have to go now, there’s someone at the door,” “All the best Bummie, go get your man,” “Just like you got yours?” I snorted and he clicked his tongue. “Go away,” he whined and hung up.

It was half past nine and I wasn’t sure who would come to visit us at this hour. “Are you getting the door?” my mother yelled as I hurriedly made it to the front door and without glancing out the window, opened it. I was frozen to my spot because right in front of me stood Amy, shivering head to toe. “Amy?” I hastily turned back to see if Youngjae was out of the kitchen. Thanking seven heavens that he wasn’t I grabbed Amy’s wrist and literally dragged her out of the gate, swiftly walking towards a park nearby. Her shouts did nothing to my death grip on her wrist. When we finally reached the park, I let go of her. Disbelief planted on her face, she rubbed her wrist frantically. “What is wrong with you?” I was dumbfounded to answer her question, not expecting to see her out of the blue. “What are you doing here?” still too shocked to ask anything else. “I came here for Jisoo’s wedding. Weren’t you invited?” “You think she would invite me after we broke up? She never liked me in the first place. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” “I wanted to surprise you. Are you happy to see me?” she smiles wide but I am not in the position to answer her. Somewhere, I am happy to see her but in this moment, I would have really liked it if my life was less complicated.

“Amy…it was hard for me to get over our breakup and you left without even saying goodbye. And now you suddenly show at my doorstep unannounced…” silence envelops us. “I am sorry for not saying goodbye. I really missed you, I missed you so much,” she moves forward and hugs me tightly. I cannot bring myself to hug her back because I just cannot. I tell myself that it is rude but I still do not hug her back. She lets go of me and looks into my eyes. Her face contorts from a blissful happy to a sad one and I feel out of breath. I do not want to see her hurt or sad, that was the main reason I never gave her an earful for deserting me and not saying goodbye. Also, the guilt of always being the reason behind people’s pain weighs on my mind. “I just thought to see how you were doing. And I missed you Jaebum. Going back to the States didn’t stop me from missing the calm and quiet. The hustle and bustle seemed really alien. It took me a lot of time to get used to the sheer energy of the people there. I missed the deep, enchanting presence of silence which you brought along with you. I hate that I let you go, I never should have. Can you forgive me?” I didn’t understand what she was implying. Was she asking me to forgive her for not saying goodbye or was she saying she wanted to get back together with me? I was too scared to ask. I kept looking at her with an expressionless face.

“Jaebum, I am sorry that I blamed Youngjae. I thought he was manipulating you with his friendship because he loved you and wanted to take you away from me. I thought I could be the bigger person and not come between two childhood best friends. But I clearly know you aren’t dating him, which means you do not love him. So me going away, breaking up with you did not change a thing. Can we please try again?” I put my head down because this was the least expected thing to ever happen in my life. What was I supposed to do? Amy was a girl I truly loved for a considerable amount of time. She was the one for whom I risked my friendship with Youngjae, moping after the breakup leading me away from him. The breakup had affected me deeply but more than that what she said about Youngjae had stirred so much confusion in my mind. And now, Youngjae and I were…I don’t know, I really wanted to try being with Youngjae for once. This sudden interruption with a possible guilt inducing scenario was weighing me down a lot. I decided to stand up for my choice.

“Amy…I am sorry but I cannot be with you now,” I couldn’t meet her eyes but I was sure to say it loud and clear. “I got over you a while ago and I am really in a happy place right now,” my words come out hushed but I am sure she heard me clearly when she shudders.  We are again enveloped in a silence that is far from comfortable. I feel really bad for turning her down like this but I know Youngjae is the only focus in my life right now, my only priority is to see him smile, to experience some happiness with him. A happiness different from all the years of friendship that we shared, a happiness that could actually be the kind I was always hoping for. In that moment I realize that sometimes your past, which seemed troublesome and painful when it was your present, is actually a force for you to find true happiness. Better late than never.

“Oh. I see,” her broken voice gives way to words and I am brought back to reality. “I am sorry for putting you in a difficult position,” her eyes give way to tears and I am suddenly reminded of all the sad phone conversations that we had after we broke up. My heart fills with gloom until her lips rest on mine, a chaste kiss placed in a moment of sadness, a final parting and a closure on both ends. My lips don’t move, but I don’t push her away either. She parts and looks at me with tear stained cheeks. “Goodbye Jaebum, I am glad I got to know a beautiful man like you. Thank you for being a great friend and a gentleman. Take care,” she rubs my arms affectionately, turns and rushes away into the darkness without looking back. I stand there for a few minutes to absorb what just happened and then sprint anxiously back home.

“Is that you?” my mother comes rushing outside, looking frantic. “Where did you go without telling anyone? Who was at the door?” I am tongue tied but I don’t see Youngjae anywhere. “Where is Jae?” I rush into the kitchen hoping he is there. “He went looking for you and he hasn’t returned. Let me call his house and check,” my heart sinks immediately. “I will be right back,” I rush out of the house ignoring my mother’s calls. I run towards Youngjae’s house full speed, unsure if he has seen me with Amy or not, heart sinking with every passing second. I knock at his door frantically, impatiently waiting for someone to answer. Finally noona answers the door and I literally hold her by her shoulders and push her inside. “Where is he noona?” I shake her slightly, she is flabbergasted. “He isn’t with you?” she almost squeaks. “He didn’t come home?” a sweat breaks on my forehead. I dig out my phone and dial his number but he doesn’t answer. I start to panic and rush out of his house. I run towards the park again, half hoping he followed me there or he was on the way to it until I catch him and Amy standing off the sidewalk, a little off the way from the park. I stop in my tracks, unsure what to do so I just hide behind a tree. I can listen to them pretty clearly from where I am standing.

“What the hell are you even talking about? I did no such thing,” Youngjae’s voice resonates, strong and angry. “Shame on you Youngjae, you broke me and him up. I thought he loved you but he clearly doesn’t. I broke up with him because of you, because of how you were acting around him and how involved he was in you. It was the biggest mistake of my life. He isn’t dating you so there’s your answer. Just leave him alone,” Amy was spitting venom and my heart beat was steadily rising, so was my temper. “It is none of your business now that you have broken up with him. I didn’t do anything to break you two up and you know it. Not once. I will not listen to your bullshit Amy. I never asked you to break up with him, it was your choice, you left him devastated and now you come back out of the blue to claim him? Newsflash, he has moved on,” Youngjae hits back because I know what Amy is accusing him of had him disturbed for so many months, even after I got back from Thailand. It was a sensitive topic and he wasn’t the meek, weak Youngjae when it came to defending his dignity. I knew that the hard way. “We will see if he has! Newsflash for you Mr Best Friend, he kissed me, just moments ago,” _Shit shit shit!_ “He what?” Youngjae yelled into the silent cold night, sending a shiver down my spine like never before. “You heard me, he kissed me,” even if I couldn’t see Amy’s face, I could imagine her smirking. I never imagined her going to these lengths to hurt Youngjae, just because he was precious to me and just because I had said no to get back together with her. I couldn’t believe that I had been in love with her for so long and I had chosen to hurt Youngjae because of her.

Youngjae’s legs had given up and now he was on his knees, clenching his hair tightly. “You now know where Jaebum and I stand Youngjae, you better fuck off from our lives,” she hisses and walks away. I stand rooted to my spot, too afraid to do or say anything. I see Youngjae cursing and pulling his hair out of frustration and I know I have to do something or I am going to lose after getting so close to what I want. I run towards him and stand a foot away from him. His gaze travels from my shoes to my eyes and what I see in his eyes is pure hatred, so intense and so raw. “Jae…” I find the courage and my voice, although I am shaking head to toe. He stands up, his fists clenched tightly. I have never seen him this angry before, never. His breathing is shallow, face red and contorted with anger. I carefully take a step towards him but he puts his palm ahead of me. “Stop. Stop right there,” he gestures and I stop immediately.

“Will you please listen to what I have to say?” I ask and he lets out a humourless laugh. “Why? So that you can play with my feelings again? If you so badly wanted to get back with your girlfriend, you should have just said so. I wasn’t going to kill myself over it,” he meets my eyes and his face is cold, a frown neatly settled on his forehead. “I am not back with her, okay? I did not kiss her. She kissed me, I did not respond, I didn’t even hug her and I told her loud and clear that I didn’t want to be with her. She said all those things to you out of spite,” I finish in one breath. “Can you please think for a second about this instead of being so fucking angry? Why would I get back with her? I told you that day that she wasn’t a part of my life anymore. Why would I lie to you Jae?” my voice quivers and I hate it so much. Why do I sound so weak when I am innocent? “I have done a lot of stupid things but when have I ever lied to you Jae? Please…” I plead and his cold stance falters a bit. He looks at the ground as if contemplating what I just said. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and looks back up at me. “Did you know she was coming here today?” “I swear to God, I did not. If I did, I wouldn’t have you for dinner over, would I? I agree I am stupid, but I am not that stupid,” I say softly.

“Did you feel like kissing her back? Answer me honestly,” he asks the most ridiculous question ever and I sigh. “Seriously? How can you even ask me such a question Jae? Absolutely not. I have no interest in her anymore. Jesus, what do I do to make you believe?” frustration taking over my body. We remain silent for a while until I see him shivering, his teeth cluttering. I want to let out a chuckle but I hold myself back. “You know what?” he looks at me questioningly. “Jealousy suits you,” I end up saying, knowing he is definitely going to punch me in the gut for saying that. Instead he looks away, embarrassed. “You are shivering. Let’s get you home. I don’t want you to harm your health,” I swiftly take a step towards and grab his arm. “Don’t touch me,” he brushes it away and I gawk at him. “Your hands are fucking cold, you moron,” he pushes me away and we head towards his house.

We walk silently, I steal a few glances at him but he keeps his eyes glued on the road. I clear my throat and look at him again. “I don’t know what I have done to make you doubt me but please don’t lose your trust in me. I would never lie to you or hurt you. I am already so guilty of hurting you all this time. I would rather die than hurt you again Youngjae,” it comes out softer than I intended it to be, so soft that he ends up stopping in his track. “Aren’t you talking a lot today? This is so uncomfortable, you being all sappy. Can you just stop?” he scratches the back of his neck awkwardly and an instant awkwardness creeps up on me too. “Sorry, I just know that I had to say something…” I mumble. We are quickly nearing his house so my heart does a few somersaults because before we reach there I want to ask him out.

The anxiety of asking the question in the right way gets on my nerves and I gulp nervously. I close my eyes and just try to relax. This is Youngjae, my best friend since forever, my eternal sunshine, my saviour. I can do this. Jaii. “Umm…Jae, so…” I scratch the back of my neck nervously. “What is it?” he stops again and looks at me. “Umm…would you…umm will you…I mean if it’s okay with you, if you think it’s not too much…” I shift in my spot uncomfortably. “Look, whatever happened today, please just let’s not talk about it. I feel really tired and exhausted, so I am going to go take rest. Let’s talk tomorrow, you are going to take me to the hospital, right?” I nodded frantically. “Okay then. Pick me up at 12:30 tomorrow. Goodnight. Oh and thanks for dinner,” he manages to give me a small smile which looks strained and I don’t want to push my chance because he does look drained. I gulp down my question and nod. “Night Jae, see you tomorrow. And sorry for today, please don’t be mad at me,” I plead and he gives a weak nod and a hums. He waves and gets inside his gate, not turning back. I walk back home, feeling melancholic. This evening was supposed to turn out so different and I just feel a little sick because of how it actually turned out. Is this how Youngjae must have felt countless time in past eight years? It must have sucked big time to be in love with me. I hate myself for being the way I was. I was just so stupid and dense. I was hoping to finally tell Youngjae that I wanted to be with him. After today, I couldn’t wait to make him mine. Also I had one more important thing to take care of.

“Hello Amy? Yeah. Listen to me very carefully and do not interrupt me. If you ever, as much as glance at Youngjae the wrong way or blame him for our breakup again, you will see a side of me which is not really pleasant. If you ever again spread lies about me and you, I will take special efforts to forget all the good memories we had. In your own words, “fuck off from my life”. Okay?” I hang up without hearing what she was trying to say. Nobody messes with Youngjae, nobody.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like a talkative, sappy Jaebum? I felt so weird writing him like this. XD Youngjae comes off as a truly well developed person through this one, with all the raw emotions and stuff. I love Youngjae so effin much, this Youngjae and the true Youngjae. <33 dont forget to tell me how you feel.


	15. Never Ever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a month long (more?) hiatus. I was so busy and I couldn't bring myself to write this unsatisfactorily. I hope you like this :-) leave comments and again I am really sorry for the delay. How lit is the comeback ahgases? I was floored :-) I pre-ordered the ever version, which one did you order? I was so happy to see that Youngjae got more lines in the title track :) I hope Jackson recovers soon and that they perform Never Ever as a group of 7. 

I woke up with a slight headache, too many thoughts had kept me from sleeping soundly. I was hoping I would just forget the stupid episode with Amy but the thought of Amy kissing Jaebum had led my mind to a bad place. It wasn’t really jealousy, it was just the thought of Jaebum being flaky, okay fine, I was jealous too. It is getting harder and harder for me to control myself around him. I feel like a hormonal teenager sometimes but I just credit these bursts to the way he looks. Not that I haven’t had a few (many!) wet dreams because of the guy before but these days knowing he is single and him acting all caring and being talkative has me floored. It doesn’t help that I am a hopeless romantic! I am sure one of these days when I am alone with him I am going to do something I am going to regret. Yesterday, I just lost my self-control and went for it. I am lucky he didn’t punch me in the gut! Jaebum has always been the man of my dreams and I wish everything goes as I want it to. I wish we could have talked yesterday but Amy showing up unannounced had ruined my state of mind.

The morning is pleasant so I don’t give my headache much importance and decide to make the most of it by reading something good. I felt great after I had breakfast with mom and then I sat in the backyard reading my own diary. It was so weird, this particular diary was from two years ago and reading the entry really made me visit myself from two years ago. Even back then, I was so damn emotional and so much in love!

 

_Jagiya,_

_Congratulations on getting promoted! Don’t think it doesn’t matter because you are working with uncle! It does, it matters a lot. You have come a long way, I feel so happy right now. I wish I could hug you tight and tell you how much I love to see you succeed like this. Wishes are precious jagi, you know that right?_

_I had the most amazing time with Jinyoung, Jackson and Mark hyung at the bookstore. Can you believe it? Jackson in a bookstore! Oh my God, twenty minutes in and he was so fidgety that Mark had to give him his death glare. We missed you so much, I missed you so much. I wish you didn’t have to be away but work is work. There was this book on love poems which I toyed with but I was too embarrassed to buy it when the guys were around. I got you present though. I am going to go the book this weekend. Would you come along with me? Would you always be with me and smile your precious smile? I wait for that day. I wait for you._

_Love always,_

_Youngjae_

It was all so beautiful, even back then. Somewhere along the way, the pining had become a part of me. The yearning and the pain was bittersweet, always reminding me of how precious every moment I spent with Jaebum was because I took what I got. The friendship was abundantly enriched on my end because mutual love couldn’t flourish. All these years, it feels like a dream, a dream I never want to wake up from, a dream that sometimes turned into a nightmare, a dream that chained me and liberated me at the same time. Reading this memory made me smile. I was so happy even in that moment because it never got old or tiring.

“What are you smiling about otter?” my sister has the knack of giving me a heart attack, scaring me to death by sneaking up on me. I shriek like a little girl. “NOONA! STOP SNEAKING UP ON ME!” she chuckles. “Sorry baby, you were too lost in your thoughts to notice me approaching. What are you reading?” I instinctively hide my diary behind my back. “Uhh…nothing,” I scratch the back of my neck nervously and she giggles. She puts a dish full of fruits in front of me and urges me to eat. I nod and she leaves as quietly as she came. It is already past ten so I decide to take a shower.

“Who is taking you to your doctor’s appointment?” my mother yells from the kitchen as I ascend the stairs. “Jaebum,” I yell back. “Doesn’t he have office?” I stop mid-way and sigh. “He is taking me anyway, I asked him to come in his lunch break,” I mindlessly climb the stairs, pretty sure my mom won’t have anything else to say on the matter.

I hate hospitals, everything about them! I have hated them since I was a child. Jaebum doesn’t have places that he hates. He is so plain about some things. He will do anything and everything without a complaint. What he is particular about is effort. Every little thing he does has so much effort put into it that you just can’t complain. His meticulousness, however, doesn’t stop him from being a klutz. He stubbed his toe almost every other week, prompting a hospital visit because he was oh-so-delicate as a child. He didn’t feel well until he went to the hospital, got a lollipop for being a good boy and fancy band aids were put around his toe. As we grew up, he still kept running into things, falling down the stairs, burning his fingers because he forgot to wear mitts. He is so clumsy. As a child, I was in-charge of looking after him so that he didn’t manage to kill himself. It was so ridiculous now that I think about it. I have cared for this boy since I was eight. I guess I will care for him even from my grave, the whole thing is embedded deep inside my being. Jaebum is embedded in my very core and today he is finally taking me to a place I absolutely hate. For a change, he is going to take care of me in his own way, I can’t help but feel happy.

“Jae, are you ready? I was about to leave from office,” he calls just when I am out of the shower.

“I will be ready in another ten minutes. Just honk when you get here, okay?” I am prepared to hang up when he squeaks awkwardly.

“Jae…ummm…” he clears his throat as if embarrassed.

“What is it? Are you okay?” I am multi-tasking, drying my hair to be precise, while I am talking to him on speaker.  

“Err…would you like to have lunch? I am sure you are queasy about going to the hospital. We can grab something on the way, it will make you forget about the visit. What do you think?” he speaks like he is confessing to a murder and I am a police officer who is going to lock him up in a cell. I click my tongue in annoyance because I am a lot of things but I am definitely not dangerous. I am not someone to be afraid of.

“Why are you talking like a convict? Jesus, I don’t remember hurting you the last time you bought me lunch,” I whine.

“Ugh. I always buy you meals Jae, I am talking like I always talk,” he whines back.

“Don’t even! I will buy lunch for you today then. Honk when you get here, okay? Gotta get ready now,” after he hangs up, I quickly take out my medical file.  

**

 

“Is he doing okay doctor? Anything to worry about?” I want to giggle at how Jaebum sounds when he asks such questions but I restrain myself. He is in his hyper attentive mode, looking at the doctor, ready to catch every word, whisper, movement. “He is absolutely alright now. No need to worry. I hope you are eating well and sleeping well now, young man?” the doctor smiles at me and I nod. “Good. I am giving you some supplements, keep taking them. Here,” he holds a paper in front of me but Jaebum snatches it before I get my hands on it. “I will take care of it doctor,” he smiles and the doctor nods.

 

 

“That was quick. I am glad that you are okay now,” he says as we descend the stairs and walk towards the parking lot. His smile is genuine and there is a sprint in his step which is new. What is up with him?

“Aren’t you in a good mood?” he shrugs. “Let’s buy your medicines. How about you wait in the car, I will go get them?” “I am coming with,” he nods and we cross the road as soon as the light turns green. “Hey I can pay for those, I have money,” he is being too much today and it is just weird. “I can pay for these, I too have money,” he stops me from opening my wallet. “But they are my medicines…” “And I know that and I still want to pay. Wanna fight me?” he smirks. I have never seen him smirk like this before.

We start walking back to the car and suddenly his hand is on my chest, right over my heart, pushing me back, a speeding biker almost riding me over. “Hey asshole!” Jaebum yells and I am baffled. What just happened? I am too dazed because his hand is over my heart which is now beating like I am running a marathon. “What a nasty rider! Are you okay?” he asks, hand still intact. “Jae, you okay?” I nod frantically and a blush creeps over my cheeks faster than ever. I gulp nervously. He apprehensively holds my hand and takes me to the car. Okay, I am completely shocked with these turn of events. We never hold hands, never. “I don’t want you to die on me,” he adds as if he can read my mind.

While in the car, Jackson calls. He never calls when at work. Okay, he does, when he needs something or wants some advice or just wants to rant about life and associated problems. “What?” “How was your hospital visit?” he asks, voice full of concern and I instantly regret being short with him. “Err. Everything’s fine. Wait, how did you know I had an appointment today?” I immediately turn to Jaebum, who looks positively guilty and gulps. “Yah, all of you, stop treating me like a child. I am okay,” I yell into the phone and click my tongue. “Otter, I was just worried. I happened to call you but it went straight to voicemail so I called home. Noona told me about the appointment. So listen, can I kidnap you today evening?” “What? Is Mark hyung ignoring your annoying ass already?” I giggle. “Yah. Watch it, he loves my ass,” he giggles back. “Ewww, I didn’t need to know that. Where are we going?” “You will get to know. It’s a surprise for my little otter. I will pick you up at 6. Be ready,” he hangs up before I respond.

“Jackson is losing his mind Jaebum,” he just shrugs. “Wasn’t he always a lost cause though?” he smirks. “Yah, I can say it, not you, you meanie,” I hit it shoulder playfully and he smiles. I like this. I like this so much, this feeling of normalcy, his cute smile and him being all protective and caring towards me. I sigh in contention. “So is he taking you out today?” “Yeah. I don’t know where though. He said it was a surprise,” Jaebum nods. We have lunch in a small place which we loved to visit as teenagers. Sated, we head back for home and I constantly remind Jaebum that I paid for the meal.

“Thanks for bringing me to the hospital Jaebum,” I smile at him wide and he smiles back. “It was the least I could do after what I put you through. Believe me, I want to make it up to you for always being so tolerant of me and my weird ways,” he says in a breath and I chuckle. “Yeah? Good, good. See you tomorrow then?” he nods and I get off, madly waving at him like a little child. He waves back and smiles, eyes crinkling. I want to kiss him silly for being so beautiful so effortlessly. He drives away and I still can’t stop waving or smiling. Isn’t love the most beautiful thing in the world? You drown so easily and you never want to resurface again, because you love the depths, you love the dangerous and exciting feeling of going deeper and deeper. And after a point of time, you just stop being scared even if it gets hard to breathe.

**

“Where are you taking me?” I am distraught since I don’t know where my idiot of a friend is trying to take me. “Sit tight otter, sit tight. I promise, you won’t regret it,” he smiles and I am more confused than ever. “Are the others coming too? Where’s Mark hyung?” “Stop asking so many questions. Just chill, okay?” We near the highway that leads to the outskirts of the town and I start to panic. Is he taking me out of town? He suddenly stops the car. “Is everything alright? Why are we stopping and why are we taking the highway?” He ignores my questions and gets down the car hastily. He runs to my side and opens the door. “I am going to have to blindfold you,” he whispers and I want to punch him in the face for being so ridiculously secretive and childish. “YAH! What the hell! I am not getting blindfolded. No way. What kind of surprise is this, no way Jackson, I will punch you if you blindfold me,” I instinctively recline my seat to get away from him but he is insistent. “I said you are going to love the surprise. Can you trust me, for once? I promise I am not going to leave you alone or play a prank on you. Can you please trust me?” he pleads and I sigh. “Why am I doing this again?” I let him blindfold me without struggle. “Because you trust me and like me a little bit,” he chuckles.

He starts to drive and I am sitting in the car like an idiot who doesn’t know what is going on. “But why am I getting this surprise all of a sudden? It’s not like my birthday is around the corner. Then why?” “Jesus, what is with you and so many questions? Do I need a reason to make you happy?” he speeds up and I whine out of frustration. “At least play some good songs or something. It is so fucking scary to sit blindfolded like this. Wait! Ewww, is this your kink or something?” “What do you mean?” “How is this blindfold so soft and oh isn’t it red? Oh, red is Mark hyung’s favourite colour. Ewww Jackson don’t use your kinky stuff on me, eww, eww,” I move to untie the damn thing. “If you untie that blindfold, I swear to god Choi Youngjae, I am going to drop you in the middle of nowhere and leave. Understood?” I stop myself and click my tongue. “Also, this is not my blindfold, okay? Eww, why would I use my Mark hyung’s stuff on you? I don’t wanna die a painful death,” he snorts. “I don’t hear you denying that you have a blindfold kink,” I cackle away and he pinches my thigh in retaliation.

We drive for what seems like forty five minutes or an hour, I cant really guess how long it has been but I am feeling totally ridiculous sitting in the car with a blindfold. I start to fidget and whine and Jackson assures me that we are just miles away from our destination. The anticipation is killing me. After a couple more minutes, we stop and heave a sigh of relief. “Are we there?” “Yes,” he holds my hand tight before getting out of the car. I sit still until he opens the door for me and brings me out. He literally throws himself in my arms and hugs me tight. “Jackson? Are you okay? Is everything alright?” I hug him back out of concern, the stupid blindfold making me more clueless. “I have never been better Youngjae. I am going to get off the blindfold now. Okay?” he lets go of me and I wait for him to take off the blindfold. I slowly open my eyes and I look around. I hear a familiar sound of chiming in the distance, a sound I could recognize even in my sleep. “Jaebum…” I whisper involuntarily. I close my eyes and memories flash in front of my eyes like every one of them wants grab my attention. “Otter…you need to go in. Go on,” he nudges me ahead. “But…aren’t you coming? Why are we at Jaebum’s farmhouse? Where are the others?” “Today, you need to find out why you are here by yourself. And trust me, you are not alone. Go ahead, don’t worry. Here’s your phone. Just go inside now, okay?” I nod and make my way towards the farmhouse. I turn back to find Jackson waving at me and getting into his car.

The wind chimes move to the tune of the wind and the melodious sound rings in my ears, making me smile. So many memories associated with this place. Every memory carved into my heart, bubbling up happily. The porch is lined with pots of little plants and a climber leads to the roof gracefully. How long has it been that we visited this place? I can’t remember the last time I was here with Jaebum but one particular memory is pretty fresh. We were still teenagers when Jaebum actually got into gardening, reading and visiting nurseries to understand how he could use his backyard and also make his farmhouse look pretty with beautiful plants and flowers. One afternoon we had come with little packets of seeds of different plants and a few saplings and Jaebum had sowed them in a small patch behind the farmhouse with his father’s permission. Cheeks smeared with mud, sparkling eyes, humming a happy tune, Jaebum had never looked so beautiful and happy to me. I wanted to gather him in my arms and contain his existence just like that. We had spent hours just walking around, eating fruits and fresh tomatoes, barbequed some meat in the evening until Jaebum’s dad had sent a car to pick us up. Jaebum’s farmhouse was our “it” place as teenagers, fridge always stocked, rooms always clean, videogames and a big TV waiting for us in the living room. It was a definition of fun and a source of so many exciting memories for me and Jaebum and today I was here alone. It felt so wrong without Jaebum. I called him before stepping inside.

“Hey, where are you?” I scratched my head because I somehow felt nervous to be here without his knowledge. I had completely lost my mind when Jackson brought me here and I was so dumb that I didn’t even ask what I was supposed to do here alone. “I am home. And you?” “Umm…Jaebum don’t be weirded out but Jackson brought me to the farmhouse,” I wait for him to squeak with surprise but that didn’t come. Just a small chuckle. “I see. And why are you calling me? You know where the key is. But won’t Mark be mad at Jackson for taking you to a secluded place like this? What is on his mind?” he chuckles further. “Yah! What are you even talking about? He left me here. I am alone. You better come pick me up, I am already scared to be here alone. I don’t see the lights on in the watchman’s cabin. Jaebum come pick me up right now, will you?” “Arasso. Don’t panic. Just go inside. I will be on my way. I will also check with the watchman. He must have gone into town for some reason, I guess. Sit tight, okay?” he hangs up and I walk towards the third pot from the right, the key is always under it. I relax once I find it.

I open the door and the lights turn on automatically. What sorcery is this? I stand still in the door frame looking confused. I get in and close the door behind me and walk into the makeshift living room, half of which is turned into a kitchen. There is a neon arrow hanging mid-air, pointing to the coffee table, blinking madly, as if to catch my attention. ‘What’s this?’ I am a bit shocked but that doesn’t stop me from walking towards the coffee table. There’s a piece of yellow paper, neatly folded, pressed by a paper-weight. I look around, there’s obviously nobody here, which I already know but I still feel like I am intruding. I gulp and take hold of the note. I open it, nervousness making me a bit jittery.

_Dear Youngjae,_

_I am not an expert at writing letters or notes, which you probably know already. If you are reading this then Jackson was successful in bringing you here under a pretext of a surprise. This is a surprise now though, isn’t it? I want you to switch on the TV after you are done reading this note. You will know what to do once you switch on the TV. I hope you find this surprise exciting. I told you, I wanted to make it up to you for being such a dumbass. This is my start. What better place to start than this? A place where we made amazing memories? All the best :)_

_Jaebum_

 

‘What in the name of God?’ I look around for the remote hastily and I find it on the couch. I press the button and the TV jumps to life. The screen is black for a second until it gets blue. The BGM is instrumental music of my favourite song ‘[Wait for You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYgK5yhWXks)’ by Elliott Yamin and a video starts. It’s a video slideshow of my pictures as a baby. It makes me giggle. Where did he manage to get these pictures? God, I look fat and chubby and grubby. I cannot stop myself from cracking up. The pictures soon turn to when I was around five, sitting on a swing, laughing with my dad, and sitting in my noona’s lap, hugging my mother’s knees. Darn, is it embarrassing to find yourself adorable? Meh! I am alone here, I can do whatever I want. Then the pictures fade out and a message appears.

_“When I met you…”_

The pictures of me and Jaebum eating a pie messily, Jaebum wearing a birthday cap, me pointing at a crying Jaebum, both of us wearing our Halloween costumes and smiling like idiots, both of us dressed in our school uniforms. Jaebum in his high school uniform, wearing my cap. Me in a Lakers jersey just showing off. Me and Jaebum on the beach, lazing around, pictures from our high school trip. Jaebum with his prom date, wearing a suit, I had clicked the picture. What I am seeing just makes me sit down on the couch because my knees start wobbling. Our first picture at a club where we listened to a band play for the very first time. Just the two of us. Then a picture with Mark hyung. Then Jinyoung. Four of us. Five of us with Jackon. Seven of us with Bambam and Yugyeom. Jaebum in his suit, first day at the office. Jackson with his students, Jinyoung with Bambam and Yugyeom in his car. Mark with his dog, playing around. Seven of us eating chicken at our favorite place, none of us really caring to smile at the camera. Derp faced pictures taken after a bottle or two of Soju. It was trip down memory lane. The screen faded out again. A message showed just like before:

_“Memories. You, a part of every memory…always…”_ Fade out.

_“I am bad with words, but I am not so bad with feelings.”_ Fade out.

A picture of Jaebum smelling a red rose comes on the screen and I almost bowl my eyes out. What is happening?

_“The first red rose from my first plant. I still have it, enclosed in my old diary. I wish I treasured you more than I did this rose. I am sorry.”_ Fade out.

A picture of Jaebum walking down an unknown road, alone. Who took this picture?

_“This is how it feels when you aren’t around…I feel lost.”_ Fade out.

A picture of an old notebook page with our names. “Youngjae and Jaebum, best friends forever. Pinkie promise made on 06/01/2003,” scribbled in Jaebum’s handwriting. I don’t believe it, he still has this? Tears start to pool in my eyes again and I gulp nervously. What is up with Jaebum being so sappy?

_“You always kept your promise. You gave me even more than friendship but I failed. Youngjae, you are truly one of a kind.”_ Fade out.

A different [song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_hI8bf2fnk)starts playing in the background and my mouth falls open. 

_“I felt like a ghost. I felt lost and I was terrified. I didn’t know what I was terrified of until I knew…”_ Fade out.

_“I was terrified of losing you.”_

A picture of a smiling Jaebum, eyes crinkling, precious whites shining, holding the coffee mug I had gifted him when he joined his office.

The music changed again. It was a beautiful [melody](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZ1t7CwfvEc), I had never heard it before.

Jaebum was confessing. Jaebum was telling me he was never ever gonna to let me go. I was on a full blown crying spree now.

_“Let this be the last day where I am terrified of losing you. Please Youngjae…I will never ever let you go, I will never ever let you cry.”_ Fade out.

_“There’s something waiting for you on the kitchen counter. If you like it, take it and come out. I am waiting for you. If you bring it out with you, I will know your answer.” Fade out._

_“Thank you for coming into my life and…staying. Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for showing me what my heart can feel.”_

_“Thank you waking me up from what seemed like an eternal comatose state of a fictional life. Thank you being a constant of a more vibrant reality.”_

_“Thank you for loving me through all the storms that rocked your boat, through all the thorns that pricked you left and right, through the nights that turned into mornings without sleep, through my harrowing silences and unfortunate deeds.”_

_“Thank you for having a heart of gold, for being so undeniably beautiful inside out. Thank you for opening my eyes to a world where I could love you back, just as much, if you give me a chance…”_

_“Jagiya, ever since I fell in love with you, I can’t stop wishing for things. Please don’t think I am greedy, I am just a man in love.”_

It stops, and the screen turns black. I cannot stop crying, I am already on the floor. I cry my heart out. What is this? He does this to me when he isn’t in front of me. He affects me through such a medium, he brings me to my knees with his words. How much do I love this man? I don’t know, I cannot seem to quantify it, nor do I want to. He used my own words to completely change my world within seconds to confess his own love, he remembered. He is choosing to love me, just as much. This is happening…finally. Tears flow out of my eyes as if a dam has been broken yet again, my heart beats fast, my breath is hitched, nose stuffed, throat heavy. I am a complete mess. How is it that a person you love can break you with pain and also break you with happiness?

It takes more than a couple of minutes for me to calm down. I keep on sniffling but eventually everything sinks in. I scramble to my feet and head to the kitchen. There on the platform is a glass half filled with water and in it is a single red rose! My heart is weak all over again. Did Jackson put him up to this? How can he even think about all these romantic gestures by himself? Where is the weird Jaebum that I fell in love with? The rose is beautiful, a single leaf and no thorns? Did he cut them out? I take it in my hands and smell it. _Divine._ I cannot help but smile, my heart is so full of love that I start shivering. I get my phone out and check the time. Almost half an hour has passed that I called Jaebum. How can he even get here so fast from home? Impossible. But all the same, I rush to the door. I stop. I take a deep breath, one hand still clutching the door knob, another holding the rose like it is the most precious thing in the world, which it is!

‘Thank you so much Universe, thank you so much,’ I whisper, hoping that the Universe receives my gratitude without fail.

I open the door and find Jaebum resting against his car, hands folded on his chest, looking at the ground nervously. The moment he hears the door close, his head shoots up and he looks at me and then at the rose in my hand. He runs to me like his life depends upon it. He is in front of me within seconds, panting. He keeps staring at the rose in my hand and when I clear my throat he manages to look into my eyes. A blush quickly creeps on his cheeks and he looks away in embarrassment. I decide to push my luck. I don’t say anything and wait for him to talk.

“Umm…Jae?”

“Hmm?”

“You…umm…you…”

“Me what?”

“That…umm…you…” he points at the rose.

“What?”

“You brought it with you…so Jae…umm so does that mean…umm…”

“Ummm…what means what Jaebum?”

“That…uhh…you…me…you and me…”

“Uh huh…what about you and me?”

“Is that a yes Jae?” he closes his eyes tight, fists balled, lips pursed.

“Yes,” I say it softly but I am sure he heard it. He opens an eye first to check if my expression is genuine. He sees my smile and opens his other eye, letting out a breath he was holding. He puts both his palms on his lips and makes a weird, squeaky noise. And then literally starts jumping in his spot, eyes wide. While he jumps, he stares at me, unblinking. His eyes say a million things that have remained unsaid between us. But then they give way to big, fat tears and he stops jumping to hide them.

I take a step to close the distance between us and put my arms around him. He sobs, body rocking, all walls crumbling. I hold him like I always do but today I do it as someone more than a best friend.

“I am here Jaebum, I am here. I am never ever gonna let you go as well. I am here,” I rub my hand soothingly on his back to calm him down. We separate and he looks at me, a small smile plastered on his face.

He cups my face gently, tears making their way into his eyes again. He rubs my cheek with his thumb and I lean into his touch. He slowly moves closer until our noses are touching. We are both silently crying, this has taken so long, this has been nothing short of a journey for me. This has been a revelation for him. It is a turning point for us both. I kissed him slowly and I realized that this is the best kind of silence, a kind I would always enjoy with Jaebum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not a romantic person (!) but I tried. Expect an epilogue :) to know all the answers as to how Jaebum made all this happen :) I am really hoping you guys like this. Please leave comments and upvote if you like.
> 
> xoxo


	16. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is not a very long update, actually I had planned to end this but then I thought why not show a little bit of their life after the confession? I am not sure if you guys will appreciate this.
> 
> I am sorry for such big gaps in my updates but I have been writing Markson and work has also been crazy. 2jae does come seamlessly to me but I always try my very best to make it delicate and loving, so it takes its sweet time to come out like that. I am planning to end this in a few more chapters and I will have a rated chapter or two because my Youngjae deserves some action after all the pain he has been through. Let me know how you feel. xoxo

Slow kisses are the best kind of kisses. And if a slow kiss comes after so much yearning, it turns that much sweeter. Jaebum’s lips moved against mine, soft but hesitant. It was one of those moments in which I wanted to get lost but also wanted to carve the memory in my heart. I had waited so long and I wanted to make sure I got my moment’s worth so my hand curled around his waist, pulling him closer until our chests were flush against each other. That seemed to surprise him and his eyes shot open but he didn’t break the kiss. I had increased the pace but I was sure that he wasn’t prepared for more at this point. Sucking on the sweetness of his lips, I moaned, unabashed and we separated. His forehead rested on mine and we heaved. I had won this man and now I got to kiss him, hold him this close and be with him as I wanted to be. My happiness cannot be described. A few silent moments pass by and I am still enjoying the bliss until I realize this is a very big change for Jaebum. That’s when my protective instincts kick in. I attribute them to being his best friend for so long.

“You okay?” I ask apprehensively and he nodded almost immediately, a light pink colour decorating his cheeks and his lips looking slightly red, thanks to me. I couldn’t help but brush my fingertips against his lips and his blush intensified. “Jaebum…” my voice had dropped down a few octaves and I wasn’t even trying to do anything about it. He looked at me, blush still apparent in the dim light spreading through the porch. “We need to go home or…” I bit my lip because I was trying so hard to control myself in that moment. “Is everything okay?” he asked out of concern. “Are you alright?” questions sprouting out of his mouth. “No.” I had to answer truthfully. “What! What is wrong? Does it hurt somewhere?” his hands grip my shoulders and he looks at me head to toe, concern so apparent on his face and his body language. “Hey,” I grab his arms and steady him so he looks into my eyes. “I am not okay because it is hard to control myself when we are alone. Understand?” he freezes the moment my statement sinks in and his face is as red as a tomato. He lets go of my shoulders and frees his arms, staring at his shoes and I want to eat him up right away. “Oh.” Yeah someone needs to do something about Jaebum’s _ohs_. I am starting to hate them so much. How can someone _oh_ you after you make such bold statements? Ugh!

“Let’s go home then?” I ask and he nods fervently. “Wait, I will be right back,” he rushes to the house and I figure he is taking care of the video and locking up. While he is at it, I call Jackson because I am dying to share the news with him and also dying to flick him on his frigging forehead for planning such surprises behind my back. “Otter?” “Yah Wang Jackson, you better tell me what the hell you were thinking making such elaborate plans behind my back and not even dropping subtle hints! You know how unprepared I was?” I literally squeak. “Okay, first of all, I was only on picking and dropping duty. If you want to get mad, get mad at Mark hyung. He is the mastermind. Jaebum and Mark hyung are so tight that Mark hyung didn’t even tell me what was going to happen after I dropped you there. I was so tempted that I wanted to sneak in and see for myself. What happened?” Jackson had put Mark under the bus without second thought and I could hear Mark hitting him hard and yelling about respecting people’s privacy and him being nosy. I couldn’t control my giggle.

I was pretty sure Jackson wasn’t paying any heed to what Mark was saying and he was going to pester me for details. “Tell me otter, what were you two up to?” his suggestive tone made my body tingle for a second. “Yah! Don’t act like you deserve to know everything. I am not telling you anything, shoo” I mock him and he whines. “Later Jacks, we are leaving for home,” “Hey wait…what did you do, hey te…” I end the call before he finishes his question.

The drive back home was oddly silent and I kept on staring at Jaebum from the corner of my eye. Jaebum’s car smelled exactly like him or maybe being in close quarters with him had rubbed his cologne on me. I was completely distracted while he gulped nervously. “You are invited for dinner at my place,” he says as we enter the city. “Really? But why suddenly?” it was weird to go to Jaebum’s house today of all days and pretend that nothing had happened. “Can we have a rain check on that dinner?” I say softly, scratching the back of neck nervously, hoping he doesn’t mind. “But…well okay, if you don’t want to…” he pouts and my whole existence melts. What just happened? Since when does he pout like that? Did I induce this? Oh my God! He can wield this weapon and I will be defenceless and do anything that he likes. Wow some way to feel powerless on the very first day of our relationship! Come to think of it, it’s not like I have ever said no to him for anything. But a cute Jaebum is a powerful Jaebum.

“Nooo…it’s not that I don’t want to. Okay, I will come for dinner,” I say immediately and he perks up, his eyes crinkling and a smile gracing his lips just like that. “Great,” he says and the rest of the drive goes in sheer anticipation of how we are going to be together, at least for me, that is the only thought on my mind. It’s a little past 8 when we get home and I feel a big burden on my shoulders. I don’t want to fool people on the very first day that we are together. I don’t want to do anything that could hurt Jaebum or Jaebum’s parents. I am so conflicted right now. As if reading my mind, Jaebum says, “Hey, don’t worry. It’s not like we have stopped being best friends, right? So if you behave like you always do, it doesn’t count as lying or hiding. It’s just you and me being best friends, which we still are even after…” he clears his throat awkwardly. “After I kissed you? Why are you so shy? Can’t you just say it?” he makes an incoherent sound and gets out of the car. “No I can’t, not here and not right now, okay? Please don’t make me nervous,” I nod but I can’t help smiling at how he is acting. “Okay hide the rose in the car, I will give it back to you later,” he snatches it from my hand before I can protest.

“Awww my babies are home,” Jaebum’s mom hugs us both as if we haven’t seen each other since a long time. She is a really affectionate woman and I can’t blame her, she has seen us grow together and that entitles her spring of maternal emotions to bloom without a reason. “I am almost done preparing the dinner. How about you watch some TV until I am done? Go on,” she pushes us to the couch and the TV is put on, some romantic Korean drama playing. Ten minutes in and Jaebum started fidgeting. “I will take a shower and come back down, okay?” he rushes upstairs and I am left alone so I head to the kitchen to see if Jaebum’s mother needs any help.

“I am almost done. Can you set this on the table?” she hands me the food and I start putting everything on the table when Jaebum’s dad returns home. He heads for a bath himself and I keep on talking with Jaebum’s mom. “Can you go call him? Everything’s ready. I wonder what’s taking him so long,” I nod and head to his room without much thought. The door is slightly ajar and I peek in, knocking lightly before entering. He is standing in front of the mirror, dressing his hair. He still hasn’t noticed me because there’s music playing in the background and my knock seems to have gotten muffled due to it. I stand against the doorframe staring at him until he finally turns around and stops in his tracks. “Dinner’s ready,” I smile, eyes not leaving his face. “Oh. Sorry I didn’t hear you, did you call me?” I shake my head. “I knocked but the door was slightly open already,” I shrug. He walks towards me and I block the door. “Jae?” he whispers and tries to push past me but I stay put, both hands stretched and placed on the doorframe. “Not so fast,” I push him inside lightly and shut the door behind me. A blush quickly creeps on his face and he steps back. “Jae, mom’s waiting for dinner, you know that,” he bites his lip and the action goes straight to my groin. I walk to him and he keeps retreating until the back of his knees hit the bed. I am right in front of him, toes touching.

“Look at me,” I urge him but he is staring at the carpet. “If you don’t look at me, I will do something that will…” I drag my fingertip over his arm and he shudders. He immediately looks at me, face flushed and breath hitched. “Beautiful,” I whisper before I lunge closer and peck his lips. He stands frozen and blushes furiously, nothing pleases me more than having this effect on him. “Let’s go. Auntie’s waiting,” I turn around and walk to the door. I don’t feel him following me. “Aren’t you coming? Do you want me to do something more?” he shoots his head up and shakes his head vigorously. He quickly runs to the door. “Oh and Jaebum, if you bite your lip like that, something is bound to happen. Don’t blame me later. And it certainly doesn’t help when you are bath fresh and smelling so musky,” I wink and he gulps.

The dinner went as usual except there were butterflies bubbling in my stomach now and then when I saw Jaebum smile at me when no one was looking. It was surreal, I had never imagined I would finally be able to feel this kind of happiness, this sense of belonging.

“Youngjae-ah, would you like to take up a part time position at my office? It would be great for you to be busy right now. May be a welcome change for you,” Jaebum’s father was invested in my life a lot more than my own father. He considered me to be his own son. Even when we were kids, he bought everything in pairs, never once did he forget about me. “Umm, but I have no experience. What kind of position is this?” “Data compilation. We have a lot of unsorted potential client data with us. If you could compile it precisely based on probability of them hiring us, it will be really useful. Think about it,” he smiled and I felt grateful to have this extended family who cared so much about me. “Definitely. In fact, I think I would be able to do a good job. When can I join?” I smiled brightly and Jaebum’s mom clapped like a seal. “Dad, please tell me we are going to pay him only in good wishes and chocolate chip cookies,” Jaebum sniggered and I couldn’t help but whine. There was so much happiness at the table that day.  

Jaebum came to walk me home, hands in his pockets and a small smile plastered on his face. He suddenly stopped in his tracks and ran back. I stood there perplexed until he showed up, panting. “Here, sorry I forgot to give it back to you,” he held the rose in front of me and I smiled so wide that I thought it was going to tear my face up. “Whose idea was it? All of it?” I couldn’t help but ask him as I took it from him. He scratched the back of his neck nervously. “It’s okay if it wasn’t yours. I loved it. You executed it well so don’t worry,” I patted his shoulder to comfort him and he smiled. “Mark and I made the plan. First, he was going to drive you because we were afraid Jackson would blab to you. But it would have been too suspicious so we had to rope in Jackson. He was the last to know,” he chuckled. “The others helped with the photos and the video. You won’t believe what I had to go through when they saw the video, I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. Jinyoung was the worst Jae,” he hides his face behind his hands and I giggle. “Do you know the maknaes bet on us?” his voice was shrill. “What!” “Yes, they bet on us that we would be together and I would be the one to ask you out. Oh my God, those kids are too much,” he laughed. “So…they won huh?” I couldn’t help but smile, I felt shy for some reason. You do feel shy when there’s a red rose in your hand and the man of your dreams is standing just an arm’s length away, smiling like an idiot with rose tinted cheeks. “They were bound to. Weren’t they?” he started walking and I joined him.

“You seriously didn’t need to walk me home,” I giggled. “Hey, come on now, I wanted to walk you home because…” he looked anywhere but at my face. “Because? Say it. You are doing really well. I haven’t heard you speak so much in all the years I have known you. I hope you don’t break the streak now,” I whine. “Because I wanted to spend these extra few minutes with you?” he clears his throat and looks at the sky, hands fumbling in his pocket and eyes closed. He is so ridiculous that I laugh out loud. “Oh oh, jinjja?” I poke him and he winces. “Yah!” he hits me back. “Okay go now, you must be tired and everything,” I push him because we have been standing at the gate since a couple of minutes. He nods and waves, walking back to his house.

After taking a hot water bath, I want to relax and enjoy this bliss that I am constantly feeling. It is really overwhelming, the sense of happiness that comes after you finally get what you have craved since a long time. Jaebum, my very own source of unending smiles and giddy, toe twitching, romance inducing, colour-me-pink feelings. I lie on the bed, legs and arms spread out, smiling to the ceiling, so much in love and so much in a dream like state that I do not register my sister coming into the room. “Love struck, are we?” she giggles and I snap out of my reverie and get right up, startled. I throw my pillow right in her face and she dodges it like a pro. “I told you a hundred times not to sneak up on me, why do you always startle me like this noona?” I whine and she sticks her tongue out. “It isn’t my fault that you were star gazing at the ceiling and too distracted to see me come in,” she makes herself comfortable beside me and puts an arm around my shoulder. “So, my little otter, tell me everything,” she smiles creepily. “Tell you what?” I look anywhere but at her. “Tell me where you were all evening. As far as I remember, Jackson took you out and then Jaebum walked you home? How’s that?” the mere mention of Jaebum’s name paints my cheeks pink. “Umm, err, uhh,” “Hmm, I am listening,” she squeezes me and I cough. “Jaebum…ugh…he…actually…Mark hyung and Jaebum…the thing is…” I don’t know where to start. “Just tell me what happened,” she puts both her arms around me and sways me as if I am a teddy bear. “Noona…” I finally look at her and smile wide. “Jaebum…Jaebum…he asked me out…” I don’t how my eyes are full of tears that are threatening to fall but my face is kind of stretched because of how wide I am smiling. I must look like a weird cartoon character. “Noona…he did that…Jaebum, he wants to be with me noona,” I throw myself in her arms and cry because it feels so nice to finally share it with her. “Oh my God, that’s…wow,” she hugs me back and we stay like that for a while.

“Finally…that dumbass came to his senses. After all this time…I am happy that you are happy baby,” she threads her fingers through my hair and kisses my temple. I release her and look at her, she looks genuinely happy, a few tears have left her eyes as well. “So…when are you going to tell everyone? I mean…eomma and appa, you need to tell them, right?” my stomach sinks a bit at the thought of telling this to my parents. It’s not that they are conservative or anything but it still makes me a little nervous. As if reading my mind, my sister holds my hand. “I will be there by your side baby, you don’t need to worry. I think appa has a little inkling about this. I don’t know about how eomma will react though,” she clutches my hand tight.

“It’s okay, you take your time, I am sure you will find the confidence to deal with this once you get to be with him for a while. You need to be with him to be sure,” “Sure?” “Yeah, you need to make sure he really feels the way you do for him,” “I don’t doubt him one bit noona,” “It’s your love talking. This is new for him, he might get scared and back out. You can’t deny that about him,” she bites her lip because she knows her words are going to put me in an endless thought cycle. “I just don’t want you to get hurt Youngjae. He is a bit difficult, he has always been, even as a friend. So now when you are going to be more than friends, the difficulty in his nature may multiply by manifolds. Have you thought about that?” I shake my head because I am suddenly more scared than happy. “That’s why I am telling you to spend more time with him to gauge his feelings. I am sure he cares deeply about you but as your sister, it’s my job to warn you. You might hate me for this right now, but there wouldn’t have been a better time to say all this, sorry baby,” she caresses my cheek lightly. “I understand. It’s all new for both of us. I will make sure that we are happy with each other noona, I know you are saying all that you did because you care for me,” I smile at her and she smiles back. “You are my favourite person in this world Youngjae, if I could, I would have protected you from every bad thing in this world,” “Aww, look who’s getting all sappy,” I mock her and she hits me. “Go to sleep now,” she plants a quick kiss on my head and leaves.

My phone pinged and I was not sure who would message me at such a late hour. Usually, it’s Jackson complaining about how Mark is mean, but today I am not sure who it might be.

_Jaebum: Sunshine._

I don’t understand what he is trying to tell me with this sunshine word that too in the middle of the night?

_Me: What do you mean?_

_Jaebum: …_

_Me: What am I missing?_

_Jaebum: And people call me an idiot._

_Me: Why are you awake right now? Usually you are snoring the night away at this time._

_Jaebum: I can’t sleep._

His reply makes me giggle and butterflies erupt in my stomach.

_Me: Uh huh. Why can’t you sleep?_

_Jaebum: There’s this dumbass in my life…_

_Me: What about him?_

_Jaebum: He doesn’t understand that I found him the best pet name in the world._

Ah! So he is going to call me sunshine from now? I blush profusely at this gesture of his and seriously we are texting at this hour? I giggle some more and don’t respond right away.

_Jaebum: Do not sleep on me Choi Youngjae!_

_Me: So you want to sleep on me instead?_

_Jaebum: Hey…shuddup._

_Me: You prodded the devil._

_Jaebum: Devil and you? You are my sunshine. There’s nothing evil about you. I am sure you bathe in holy water every day and that your smile has purifying properties. You purify the world with your smile Jae. <3_

_Me: Did you just send me a heart? Do you have a fever?_

_Jaebum: Why don’t you come and check?_

My mouth hangs open at his responses. What is this? Where is the awkward, silent Jaebum that I know? How is he being like this right now?

_Me: I will have to check for a fever everywhere._

I send it without much thought and my stomach flips a bit due to the excitement that is building in my heart. He doesn’t reply and I am so afraid that I have screwed it up! I bite my lip anxiously and consider calling Jackson and asking him a way to fix this. I receive a message just then.

_Jaebum: I want you to check me as thoroughly as possible._

I squeal like a pig, burying my face into the pillow and a tingly sensation takes over my body and goose bumps form all over. Friend Jaebum made my life so difficult but boyfriend Jaebum is going to be the death of me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will you be with me for a few more chapters? Thanks for reading and leave me some comments to let me know how you feel. Sorry for the late update <3


	17. Inertia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I am sorry for the huge delay in updating this. I know it breaks the whole flow and you have to remind yourself of what really happened the last time. What you really have to remember is Jaebum and Youngjae are together and this picks up right from there. I hope you enjoy reading this chapter. I developed the plot in a better way now and I am pretty sure this will last for another five chapters or so. I am so thankful for all the people who stuck by me and enjoyed reading this story. This is a small update as compared to others but I promise to update regularly and to write this in a longer, more fulfilling way.  
> 
> xoxo

 

Mornings, warm, sunny mornings remind me of Jaebum and his smile every time he sees a stray cat. ‘You should just get a cat if you love them so much,’ I had said as we walked together on a Sunday morning to buy stationary for our high school project. ‘Mom won’t allow,’ he had said and the sadness that enveloped his usually frowny face tugged at my heart a little too hard. ‘It’s okay Jaebummie, we can always come play with this little ball of fur here,’ I had my arm around his shoulder and he had smiled really wide. Jaebum was simple in so many ways, the smallest, most simple things made him smile generously. He wasn’t hard to please either and it made me realize that for someone who wasn’t as comfortable with words as him, his silence only meant no complaints, no expectations and no regrets. Jaebum was easily the most lovable man and his smile was so pure that it made my heart flutter even when I felt my body heavy with fatigue and what I wanted to describe as ‘giddiness’ due to being loved in return.

I gulped at the thought of Jaebum’s morning face and my brain quickly started showing me the visuals of a Jaebum splayed on his bed, half naked, hair tousled, eyes puffy and breaths steady. I bit my lip at how much he was on my mind and how much everything was getting out of hand. I was hungry for his presence constantly and it stopped being a problem when I realized I didn’t have to hesitate to ask for his time anymore. He was…with me now. We were…I don’t know how to say it without being cheesy but we were now romantically involved best friends. Is that even a thing? Are we still best friends when all I want to do is touch him, kiss him and hug him when I see him? I was quickly losing the hold on my desires for him and I was sure I was going to make a mess out of everything if I didn’t leash myself in. I would hate to scare him silly by being too forward. It would only lead to so many mad complications if I made him feel uncomfortable in my presence. Remembering the string of messages that we exchanged yesterday night, I felt something warm pool in my stomach and I couldn’t help but pull the blanket closer to my body because I suddenly felt shy and bothered.

“Mark hyung?” I was sure I had called Jackson but Mark hyung answering the phone wasn’t altogether a surprising thing. “Hmm?” he hummed sweetly on the line and I couldn’t help but smile. “Don’t tell me he is wrapped around you like a koala?” “He is. What a heavy idiot! Awww…” he winced and I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Did you just bite me?” he yelled and there was scuffle on the line with countless awws and ouchs. “Otter?” “Jacqueline?” “I told you not to call me that! Fuck!” “You know you still love me,” I chuckled as he whined. “Drop by please?” I asked seriously and he snorted. “Oh you suddenly need a new best friend now that he is your boyfriend?” “Yah!” I yelled but with no sting. “Let’s have breakfast at the café? Just you and me?” I preposition and he hums, delighted. “Lovely. I will see you in an hour baby,” “Hey, you never call me that,” I could hear Mark hyung whine and Jackson erupt in a fit of giggles as he hung up.

I looked at Jaebum’s contact and my finger hovered over the call button. Why am I so nervous? There was a time when we were in high school when we used to call each other the moment we woke up. ‘Please tell me you re-checked my homework?’ ‘I did Jaebum, calm the fuck down,’ ‘Jeez stop swearing,’ ‘Sorry mom,’ ‘Ugh, you are so…’ ‘So what?’ ‘You are a brat’ ‘I need a new best friend who appreciates me for who I am,’ ‘Over my dead body.’

“Hello?” Shit, my finger had betrayed me. “Jae?” “Uh oh! Hey,” _I am so lame._ “What’s up?” his groggy, sleep induced voice formed goose bumps on my body. “Sorry. Uh, well…I just…I umm…”  _I hate myself._ “You what?” “Called you by mistake…err…I mean I wasn’t looking and I suddenly dialled you…did I wake you? Sorry…” I am wide awake and almost want to hide in a corner than sounding so awfully nervous. “No…I…well…umm…couldn’t sleep so well,” he confesses, sounding more alert. “Oh…umm…I see. Okay then…umm…err…have a good day at work…” It comes off as a question rather than a statement. I suck! “Jae…” he utters and I feel my breath hitch. “Yeah?” “When are you planning to join work at our company?” “Umm…I will let you know? I guess, I will join from Monday? I just have a few things to take care of before I join. Is that okay?” “Yeah sure, no problem. I will get your place set in the office and talk to the HR department,” I feel my confidence return a bit when I imagine myself working aside Jaebum in his big office. “Umm…so Jaebummie…what’s my salary going to be?” “Chocolate chip cookies,” he chuckles. “Seriously?” I ask slowly. “How much do you want it to be? I can talk to dad-” “I had something in mind…” I almost whisper as I look around to confirm no one’s listening. “I am listening,” “Jaebummie…how about you pay me in kisses instead of the cookies?” there is a heavy, nervous silence on the other end of the line and I desperately want to take back my words, but hell, who am I kidding, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with how much I want this man, and now that he is actually with me, I can’t control myself anymore. “Yes? No? Maybe? Say something…” I giggle. “Are you shy? Are you blushing, hiding under your blanket? Im Jaebum, I am waiting for an answer…” I singsong and I hear some shuffling on his end. “Hey…you…I…shuddup…why are doing this to me?” he is whining, while still whispering. “Am I supposed to demand kisses from someone who isn’t you?” I retort. “Yah! NO! No way,” he huffs. “Umm…okay,” he says shyly and I punch the air in delight without making a noise. “Okay what?” I corner him and he clears his throat. “Okay…umm…I…you can…shit!” I hear a big thud and Jaebum wince.  

“Yah! Choi Youngjae, you made me fall off my bed! Aww, it hurts,” he whines and I burst into a fit of giggles. “Did you just roll off the bed? Are you sixteen?” I laugh openly now and he grunts. “I don’t like you very much,” he retorts. “I see. Then I guess I will have to kiss someone else,” “You can try!” there’s so much bitterness in his words that I want to laugh at how petty he is being. “Will you be at the café this evening? I am guessing I will be there by 7,” I ask seriously and he hums. “I will come there from office, I guess. Be ready for some teasing though Jae. I put through it, now it’s your turn,” he chuckles. “Oh nooo! Whyyyyy, I don’t wanna. I am gonna hit the maknaes for betting on us and Jackson better side with me or I am going to whip his ass about Mark hyung answering his phone at 7 in the morning,” I sigh and he laughs. “See you in the evening then Jaebum,” “Jae…” “Hmm?” “Is it weird that I thought about you all night? I couldn’t sleep at all…is it weird if I feel like this? I didn’t feel like this…about…err…Amy…when we started dating…” my heart skips a beat at his confession and I don’t know what to tell him. “It’s not weird Jaebum. It’s anything but weird. This happens…when you…really like someone and want to be with them all the time…it’s okay to feel like that,” I cannot stop blushing and the butterflies in my stomach are causing a havoc in there and I want to hide somewhere with all my mushy feelings.

“You are cute Jaebum, you are so damn cute these days,” I giggle. “Hey don’t call me cute, I am not cute, you are…uh oh eomma, good morning, shit, sorry,” he hangs up in haste and I look at the phone in total confusion. Is he that scared of his mother walking in on us talking on the phone at this hour? “Choi Youngjae, if you do not get your butt down here in five minutes, I am gonna have to come tackle you,” my sister yells and I groan. “I know you are up, get down here before the breakfast turns cold, you brat,” she yells again and I yell back that I need to go have breakfast with Jackson.

**

“I did NOT! What are you even talking about?” Jackson cackles away. “You took all details from Mark hyung, didn’t you? I know what you must have offered to make him spill,” I kick his shin and he blushes. “Is that what you think about me?” Jackson touches his chest and cries in mock hurt. “Of course. You whore yourself out to Mark hyung to make things happen your way,” I giggle and get hit on my arm. “You are such a brat these days, God,” he clicks his tongue in annoyance, his cheeks an adorable shade of red, the blush creeping to his neck. “Say otter, did you kiss him?” I nod unabashedly and he smirks. “Twice,” I put my tongue out and he squeals. “Omigwaaadddd, you sneaky little shit,” he covers his mouth and his eyes are wide. “Did he run away or did he shout? Oh oh did he stare at you without saying anything? Oh or did he just push you away?” I shake my head in disbelief at his options. “He blushed scarlet, correction, he blushed red as a tomato and was dumbfounded, couldn’t look at me,” I smirk. “Jaebum fucking blushed? God this is amazing,” he taps his feet like a child in excitement. “Oh and his dad wants me to join their company because he thinks I should do something instead of sitting on my ass all day,” I chuckle. Breakfast with Jackson goes by with me asking him to swear on siding with me if the maknaes and Jinyoung teased me and him making countless stupid statements about how I am going to be a disaster of a boyfriend to Jaebum.

**

All of us were already seated comfortably in our booth and nobody had said or asked anything embarrassing to me about me and Jaebum. I was getting really suspicious about all of them ‘behaving’ themselves but I was sure it would start the moment Jaebum got here. It was half past seven and there was no sign of the man I was really eager to see.

“Hey, where’s you ugh boyfriend?” Jinyoung whispers in my direction and I put my tongue out in mock rebellion. “Hyung, you need to find someone too, don’t you think?” I shoot back and keep sticking my tongue out at him, getting the maknaes to chuckle. “I know, I do, I really do,” he huffs and takes a sip of his coffee. “I had my eye on you but eh Jaebum took you away,” Jinyoung stares at me hard and I am not sure if he is kidding or not. “Eww…” Bambam’s signature eww breaks the spell and Jinyoung has his tongue out, mocking me. “Yugyeom-ah are you too gay for someone? I can’t handle this,” Bambam sighed and Yugyeom rolled his eyes. “All these hyungs are so gay for each other,” he clicked his tongue and pretended to be offended by the realization. “Hey I am not gay for anyone,” Jinyoung screeched as if trying too strongly to defend himself. “Uh huh, I see how you look at someone these days hyung. You are not subtle at all,” Bambam chides in and Jinyoung kicks him under the table. “Stares at whom?” Yugyeom looks interested in knowing who the person is but Bambam shakes his head in disbelief. “Seriously, what got me here God?”

Jaebum walks in, his tie loosened and coat on his arm. He looks tired and worn out but the way his hair is messed up makes me want to get up and run my fingers through it. My breath gets caught as he looks at me a little longer than usual, without blinking. “Hi,” he says to me as if he has forgotten the people around us. I gulp. “Hey,” I say, looking around the people who were staring. “Long day?” I ask him softly and he nods. “Are you hungry?” he nods and still keeps looking at me without wavering. It’s like we are in our own little world. Jackson clears his throat and I snap out of it. “Will you at least let your boyfriend sit before you two get disgustingly domestic?” he gestures the maknaes to make space for Jaebum. Mark snorts when Jaebum sits exactly in front of me.

“God, the air smells sickeningly sweet today,” Bambam retorts as he watches Jaebum smile at me. “I know right, its making me feel dizzy,” Yugyeom adds. Jaebum turns to Yugyeom and glares. “It’s not just sweet, it’s also so intimidating,” Bambam snickers. “Yah!” I finally try to protest because even this is too much for me. My cheeks are tinted and my stomach has a pit. I suddenly feel hot and start fanning myself. “Shi! These maknaes,” I throw a fry at Yugyeom’s face and they fall into a fit of giggles. “Otter is soooo cuteee,” Jackson coos and I glare at him. The evening progresses with more taunts and teasing while we eat and drink coffee. There is so much to feel happy about, I am scared that my heart will combust because of it.

We start to file out of our booth, slowly getting up, trying not to push each other. Mark and Jackson are holding hands, it comes to them so naturally. Their loving gazes make me feel disgustingly cute. I look at Jaebum, he is right beside me, the maknaes and Jinyoung behind us, laughing and hitting each other playfully. I slowly extend my hand to grab Jaebum’s, I touch his palm delicately and before I know it, he pushes it away with such a force that it hits my thigh and I groan. I freeze, Jinyoung and the maknaes immediately stop talking and Mark and Jackson turn around to see what really happened. Jaebum looks at me in horror and I bite my lip and try to school my face as much as possible. A lump quickly forms in my throat and before I know it tears start pooling in the corner of my eyes. I hate to appear vulnerable like this so I just make a run for it, ignoring everyone’s calls, including a soft, heart-breaking one from Jaebum.

* * *

 

 


	18. A Cold Winter Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaebum wants to prove a point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Won't say anything more than SORRY!

The moment I felt fresh air hit me, I stumbled. I had run quite far from the café and once I stopped, a sob from deep within my chest rocked me, making my stomach twist painfully. To think that I could experience bliss for more than a few days was probably a crime. May be this was destiny, me meeting sorrow and pain every other day. I just had to learn to greet them better. I just had to learn to not break down every single time, not expend myself to stop feeling bad and not think that Jaebum could possibly feel for me what I felt for him. The thoughts that plagued my mind were making me want to puke, I was crying so hard that a few passers-by stopped and asked me if I was okay. I just clutched my stomach and nodded and they left me alone.

So this was what my sister was talking about. Jaebum was never going to respond to me wholeheartedly because of who he was. May be this is why she didn’t want me to get my hopes high. I got up, my head dizzy and throat dry because of all the crying. I hailed a cab and just put my head back, hoping a good night’s sleep would just make me forget this evening, the embarrassment of being rejected in front of my friends and the pain of Jaebum just pushing me away so harshly.

**

Mark had his hand on Jackson’s bicep the moment Youngjae had ran out. He could see the younger frowning deeply, anger on his face too apparent and his body puffing itself up to control how mad he was. “Jackson, calm down,” he whispered in his ear but it didn’t help much. The maknaes were both ready to give Jaebum a piece of their mind and Jinyoung was standing in front of them both in case they actually went on do something stupid. Mark sympathized with Jaebum, he really did. For people who weren’t social or really expressive, it was hard to exhibit any kind of emotion in front of people. All Youngjae had done was try to hold his hand but for Jaebum it was a big deal. It was like making a public statement, giving people the idea that he was dependent on someone, he loved someone and even if it was all true, he didn’t have the courage or the habit to be expressive like that. But for a third person, it was Jaebum being a jerk to an innocent Youngjae.

Jackson was seething, his breaths unsteady and his fists bunched.

“Seriously, after all this time, after everything he went through to be with you, you do this?” he closed his eyes and his tone was flat. “Do you have no affection for him? Shit, my otter, falling for someone as insensitive as you.” Jackson brushed off Mark’s hand and walked away, missing the heartbroken sob that left Jaebum.

“Hyung, you should have thought before you pushed him away like that. He is so sensitive about you. He has waited for you so long hyung. He…” Yugyeom choked thinking about how Youngjae must be feeling.

“You better fix this or we will not be seeing you anytime soon hyung,” Bambam grabbed Yugyeom’s and Jinyoung’s wrist and dragged them away.

Mark sighed looking at Jaebum, not missing the silent tears he was shedding after hearing all of them speak to him like that. He patted his back affectionately and squeezed his hand. “Stupid Jaebummie. He loves you, wants to be close to you. It’s hard for him to not be intimate with you, okay? Jackson was all over me when things worked out between us. It was hard to let go but when I did…it was beautiful. You just have to give yourself a chance.”

Jaebum looked at Mark and frowned. “You think I don’t want him like that? I do, I very much do Mark. It’s just that I am not used to it. I need time. I know I was wrong and insensitive but that wasn’t on purpose. It was just a reaction to this big change. I feel horrible for rejecting him like that.” He hid his face behind his palms in frustration.

“Go find him, talk to him. Hug him and comfort him. He needs you close, Jaebum. It’s difficult for him, it always has been, when it comes to you. Show him that you are into this as much as he is. It is long time coming that you do.” Mark left it at that because Jackson honked.

“I really need to go. I don’t want Jackson to lose his mind and come at you again. Okay? Jaebum, look at me, just speak to him and tell him it wasn’t intentional.” Mark patted his head and left Jaebum swimming in his guilt.

If only Youngjae could take a peep inside Jaebum’s heart, he could have seen the many rosy desires that had blossomed in his heart after they had started being more than friends. Sometimes they were as light as gazing into Youngjae’s eyes for hours, touching his chubby cheek or staring at his bright smile. But sometimes they were dark like unclothing him, touching every part of him, lapping at his skin with no control, coercing him to give him what he truly wanted, to feel Youngjae inside him, completing him in a way only he could. He wiped his eyes and decided to clean the mess that he had created, to tell Youngjae that he was all his, to kiss, to touch, to bite, to claim, to break and fill.

He pulled out his phone and dialled his number but as expected it was sent right to voicemail. Probably he had switched off his phone, his never changing habit of shutting himself off when he was overwhelmed making him like this. “Jae…I am so sorry, please talk to me.” He wasn’t satisfied with how he sounded but he couldn’t help it. He was hopeless when it came to apologizing, when it came to feelings and expression. To think that someone as beautiful as Youngjae had fallen for someone like him felt like a dream. Pulling himself together, he walked out.

**

When I reached home, I found it empty. I called up my sister, exasperated and tired only to find out that they had to rush to our relative’s place because my aunt wasn’t well. She yelled at me for switching off my phone and I had to convince her that it was just because my battery died. “So when are you getting back?” I asked her because I seriously missed her. “Umm, probably tomorrow afternoon. Will you be okay?” I was pretty sure she had sensed something was wrong with me but because she wasn’t in a situation to probe, she didn’t press on it. “Yeah, of course. I am sorry I wasn’t reachable noona, I really am. But I called you the moment I got home. Don’t be mad,” I was afraid that she would yell at me even tomorrow so I tried to calm her down. “It’s okay. I am not mad, I was just worried. I thought of calling Jaebum but decided against it…” “Oh…umm...anyway, see you tomorrow. Goodnight. I am going to go get some dinner,” I hung up because I didn’t want her to ask me any more questions.

I sat back on the couch, clutching my coat, pulling my knees to my chest. I felt drained and a headache was slowly setting in. The doctor had warned me to get stressed but this was far from stress, this was pain. And for pain, I had high endurance.

There was a faint knock on the door and I suddenly straightened. It was around 9 and I really didn’t want to see anyone. What if it was Jaebum? My heart rate quickly picked up, making me pull my knees even closer. The knock became louder and more desperate and I sighed.

“Jae-ah, it’s me. Please open the door,” Jaebum’s voice cut through the silence in the house and I felt my throat go dry.

“I just need five minutes of your time, I promise, I won’t take long, please…” he knocked, persistent and desperate, his voice making me get up and walk to the door. This man was my doom, it was apparent that I was a lost cause when it came to Jaebum.

I slowly opened the door and looked at him. He looked shaken and in pain. It looked like he had driven here really fast, his hair all messed up, his shirt tucked out and his composure lost and afraid. In that moment, I just wanted to hug him and tell him it was all okay but then suddenly anger set in. I left the door open for him and turned around.

“Jae…” he whispered, walking in and softly closing the door. I didn’t respond as I made myself comfortable on the couch.

He stood in front of me, fidgeting and breathing heavily until I finally looked up at him. “Why are you here, Jaebum?” I asked, voice hoarse and breaking.

He bit his lip and had his eyes downcast. He threw his coat on the chair nearby and rolled up his sleeves. “Umm…” he cleared his throat. “I am sorry. I came to say sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was just surprised, that’s all. I promise I will never be like that again, Jae.” He looked up at me finally and his eyes were glossed over as a small sob rocked his body.

“I…you are very important to me, Jae. It took us…us so long to get here. I am stupid, okay? Please, I am so sorry that I hurt you.” His whimpers became more frequent but somehow I remained unaffected, like it didn’t mean anything to me. My silence must drive him crazy so he came closer and kneeled in front of me.

He cautiously took my hand and interlocked our fingers. “I want to hold your hand too, you know? I am shy. When you tried to hold my hand, I was shocked and my brain sort of sent me a panic signal so I pushed you away. I am sorry, Jae.” He rubbed his thumb against the back of my hand and again looked into my eyes.  

I still remained silent, my face expressionless and my body stiff. I didn’t know what to say, it was all too much for me to process. He tugged at my hand as he got up, pulling me out of my seat and making me stand close to him.

“I love you,” he whispered and slowly pulled me closer, hugging me lightly and putting his chin on my shoulder. “Please say something, I am so scared you are never going to talk to me. Please.” He hugged me tighter and I felt him shake against me. He was clutching my coat tightly and I felt weak. I knew it must have taken a lot out of him to say all that he did and to come here. I slowly brought my arms up to hug him back and he whimpered again.

“I am sorry, I am so sorry,” he cried into my shoulder and I sighed.

“Stop crying,” I whispered and he went silent. He slowly released me from his hold and looked at me. He wiped his tears on his sleeve and cleared his throat.

“I brought you dinner. Let me get it from the car,” he rushed out before I could say anything. How did he know I was home alone? Probably he called my mother? Or sister? Oh God!

I heard him come back and I was really panicking because we were home alone and this was the very first time that we were. I suddenly lost my appetite and felt my legs buckle. I sat down on the couch as he nervously placed the food on the table.

“Do you want me to heat the food for you?” he asked slowly and I looked up and shook my head. He sighed, disappointed probably because I wasn’t talking to him much.

“Can you please talk to me?” he asked desperately but I couldn’t bring myself to respond. The silence that enveloped us again must have irritated him to the point that he was on his feet again.

“Come here,” he stretched his hand towards me, urging me to take his hand. I looked at him, surprised. “Please, get up, come here,” he shook his hand in front of my face to urge me to take it. Sighing, I did and he pulled me up with force, dragging me towards my room.

“Wha-” I couldn’t understand what he was doing but he didn’t let me speak, pulling me along really fast, climbing two steps at a time. He pushed me inside my room and locked the door behind him. We were both heaving and I looked at him with surprise.

“Why are we here?” I asked him as he kept staring at me, his breathing laboured and face red.

“I want to prove a point.” He bit his lip. “I want you to know how I feel.” I looked at him with my mouth open because this was different. He was being like this because I didn’t talk to him? Where had he found the confidence to speak like this and drag me to my bedroom? Did he even know the implication of his action?

“We are in my bedroom. You know that, right? And…and you want me know how you feel…here?” I said it as calmly as I could but my heart was racing so fast that I felt like it would burst out of my chest any moment.

“Yes. I don’t want you to feel like…like you are the only one…to feel things. Because you are not.” His voice had gone lower, lower than how he usually talked. I looked at his face and it was getting redder by the moment, the room felt hotter for some reason, so much that it made me take off my coat. My action made him shrink into himself against the door.

“Sorry, it’s really hot up here, umm…I didn’t mean to scare you…” I added hurriedly after seeing him fidget. I took a step back, creating enough space in between us.

He gulped and removed his tie entirely. “Jae…past few days…” he completely untucked his shirt from him pants and looked at me.  “I have…had…a few dreams about you…” he unbuttoned the first button of his shirt and my heart sped up.

“Jaebum…” my eyes went wide as I looked at him unbuttoning his second button. “What are you-”

“In those dreams…you were…amazing…Jae…the way you…the way you were with me…” he undid the rest of his buttons and I could feel heat pooling in my stomach. He took a step forward, cupped my face and smiled. “You were amazing, Jae, I love you,” he lightly pressed his lips against mine, the pressure was minimum, the touch really gentle but the things it did to me were really hard to explain. I tried to remain conscious because this was not at all what I was expecting after what happened at the cafe. I could see his skin peeking out of his shirt and it was so hard to not get him out of that damn piece of clothing.

“Dreams?” I smiled as I looked into his eyes and he eyes went downcast and a rosy blush decorated his cheeks. “You dream about me huh?” I rubbed my nose against his and he shied away, turning around and staring at the door.

“If you think you are the only one in this relationship who wants to be…what was the word Mark used…ummm…yeah…intimate…” he took off his shirt and my eyes went even wider as I looked at his broad shoulders. “then you are wrong.”

He slowly turned around and my breathing picked up. “Jaebum…you…” I immediately took a step forward but stopped myself from touching him. He was against the door, his hands behind his back, staring at his feet. I was just another step away from him. I gulped because wow, Jaebum looked so tempting, his skin was clear and soft, glowing in the low light of my room.

“Wow,” I uttered lamely and bit my lip out of embarrassment. I looked away but felt a tug at my shirt and suddenly I was right in front of him, inches away from his face. My eyes suddenly landed on his lips and then back up. He stared at me hard, his gaze flickering all over my face and finally landing on my lips. He darted his tongue out and ran it over his teeth, my eyes suddenly capturing that movement like a hawk’s.

“Jaebum…” I muttered as I moved in closer. “Hmm?” he looked at me with a glint in his eyes. “You are being rude,” I mumbled, my breath fanning his lips. He moved in so our lips were touching lightly. I finally closed the distance and kissed him. It was gentle but backed with a lot of passion, getting deeper as Jaebum’s lips moved against mine, heavy and confident. His fingers grabbed my hair and he pulled me even closer, eagerly allowing me to explore his mouth as my tongue dug deeper. I moaned, the smacking sound making me lose my control.  

“Ohh…” I rested my forehead on his as we separated to catch our breath. “Shit Jaebum…that was…,” I apprehensively touched his bicep and he looked at me. His fingers tugged at my hair before he kissed my cheek chastely. He pulled me closer by my head and guided me towards his neck. My nose touched the delicate skin under his ear and he shivered. My breath quickened as I smelled him, my lips quivering at the things I was feeling. I groaned as I gripped his bicep tightly. He pushed my head even lower so my lips touched his collar bone and it was harder to not lose control.  

“Oh God, please…” I whispered against his skin and felt his breath quicken. My hands gently slid down his sides and rested on his hips, his whole body tensing at my touch. I moved away so I could look at him but he wouldn’t look at me. His breathing was laboured and I could clearly feel his nervousness project through his lip biting. “Are you okay? I know this is way over your limit,” I whispered as I rubbed his arm soothingly. “Jaebummie, are you okay?” I tipped his chin up to make him look at me. His eyes were still downcast. “Hey, talk to me,” I urged and he finally looked at me. He looked so shy that I felt my blood rush south again.

“Jaebum,” I looked at him fondly and he smiled. “You went this far to prove a point?” I rubbed my thumb on his cheek and his smile widened. “Do you know what you are doing to me right now, love?” I rubbed my nose against his cheek and planted a kiss on it. His blush intensified because this was the first time I had addressed him like that. His fingers gripped my shirt and I felt a chill run down my spine. “Say something Jaebum, not a good time to be quiet,” I moved even closer so that I was flush against him, gripping his sides gently.

“Sorry, umm…do you like me like this?” he asked carefully and I shot my eyebrows in the air.

“Like this? What do you mean?”

“Umm…in this way?” he moved a little uncomfortably. It made me chuckle.

“Is it even a question? You just had a few dreams about me. I have dreamed about you since forever. I love you like this. You don’t know how hard it was to keep my hands off you all these years…” I stroked the skin over his hip and he closed his eyes at the sensation.

He quickly covered his face with his palms and made an incoherent noise.

“What?” I tried to pry his hands away but he wouldn’t relent. “I didn’t get what you said, silly,” I succeeded and his eyes were downcast again. “What did you say?”

“You are so blunt,” he hit my arm and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“You were the one with the question.” He hit me again and but then put his arms around me, hugging me closer. I could smell his cologne and his breath tickled my back.

“Jae…I am sorry for how I acted today. Now you know I don’t mind your touch. I crave it. I am all yours to take.” He tightened his arms around me and went silent.

“I may not be the best person to be with but I am yours. And you don’t have to hesitate to need me like this. I am here and I will be here like this when you want, Jae. I want you so bad,” he trembled in my arms and his fingers slid under the hem of my shirt. “I am scared but I want you. So much,” his fingers apprehensively slid further up, feeling my back. “I love you, Youngjae.”

That’s when I realized two things. One, Jaebum was capable of feeling exactly the way I did and two, he smelled like a cold winter night but had the power to warm my very soul.  

* * *

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jaebum loves Youngjae and its a feeling worth cherishing. He is out of character because he is eager to get Youngjae back to being normal and undo his stupid mistake. He will do everything in his power to make Youngjae happy and make him realize that he loves him just as much. I hope you liked this chapter. 
> 
> xoxo


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